When I was in the hospital, I started thinking about a woman I met on a message board. We both lost our first children, boys, to stillbirth. We both had miscarriages. We both then had out daughters around the same time. We would email on occasion and I lost track of her. I sent her an email while in the hospital, just saying hi. Checking in. I didn't say anything about my pregnancy, just wanted to touch base with her at that point. She hadn't posted on our message board in forever, and hadn't posted on her blog in months.
I didn't hear back, no biggie. It had been well over 6 months since we last emailed. Maybe I had her email wrong.
Soon after coming home with Cole, I found her blog again one late night during a 3am feeding.
She had posted again. It had been months since she posted...and her news was not good. She was 20 weeks pregnant, with her second son.
And he died.
Right at the time I was giving birth to Cole, she was having to make decisions and choices and going through the loss of her second son.
She is living my worst nightmare. I haven't been able to get her off of my mind. She hasn't returned to her blog and given the vast internet and the fact I don't know her that well, I doubt we will ever talk again. But my heart aches. This is a stillbirth mom's worst fear. All those people who say it can't happen again. Wrong. Those doctors who say it is a fluke. Wrong. It can and does happen again. Her losses were at different gestations, one at 34 weeks, one at 20 weeks. But does it really matter?
She is done having kids. She has one living child when she wanted a houseful. She threw caution to the wind over and over to have her children and was hit in the face. Again. Having a living child inside of you and having it die inside of you. Again.
I am just...at a loss. It is easy for me to say, because I am sitting here with my living son when I know she is going through hell, again. But I do ache for her. I ache for her family and the nightmare she living. Once is more than enough. Why twice? I just will never understand.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Just a quick note to let you know our 2nd son was born screaming on 10/6/09. Almost a month early but he has been doing great with no NICU time.
Something of a dramatic delivery as his heartrate dropped and they moved fast. So fast Craig wasn't even back there yet (they were still preppingme for surgery so he was waiting) and missed the actual birth. That was a little sad but when the doctors say it needs to happen, so be it!
He looks identical to Claudia when she was a newborn. Who looked a lot like Curtis! He is already eating like a champ and as long as I am healing okay we should go home on Friday or Saturday.
Emotional, but amazing!!
Something of a dramatic delivery as his heartrate dropped and they moved fast. So fast Craig wasn't even back there yet (they were still preppingme for surgery so he was waiting) and missed the actual birth. That was a little sad but when the doctors say it needs to happen, so be it!
He looks identical to Claudia when she was a newborn. Who looked a lot like Curtis! He is already eating like a champ and as long as I am healing okay we should go home on Friday or Saturday.
Emotional, but amazing!!
Friday, October 2, 2009
I am checking in, briefly. Still in the hospital, still okay.
Anxiety is rough though. I honestly expected this pregnancy to be easier than Claudia's and it hasn't It is like the last 3 and a half years of the aftermath of losing Curtis, grieving, Claudia's pregnancy and this pregnancy are finally all coming to a head.
It is rough.
But I am hanging in, he is hanging in.
Trying to push the fears aside...and the fears just don't surround the baby this time, it surrounds me and my well being and, quite frankly, is very scary.
Hanging in, like I said.
Anxiety is rough though. I honestly expected this pregnancy to be easier than Claudia's and it hasn't It is like the last 3 and a half years of the aftermath of losing Curtis, grieving, Claudia's pregnancy and this pregnancy are finally all coming to a head.
It is rough.
But I am hanging in, he is hanging in.
Trying to push the fears aside...and the fears just don't surround the baby this time, it surrounds me and my well being and, quite frankly, is very scary.
Hanging in, like I said.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Blogging. Live. From the hospital.
Yup. Soon after my last entry, I was sent to the hospital after monitoring showed something was up. I was monitored continuously for about 4 days, met with some high risk docs, and it was decided based on my history and my tendency towards pre eclampsia and my increasing numbers in that region that I should just stay put until the baby is born.
Am I upset? No.
Am I bored? Not yet.
Is the food okay? Eh...
:)
Seriously, I am in good spirits. It isn't ideal, I hate being away from Claudia but ever since we learned this baby has a cord issue and my panic attacks set in, I have been a pretty cruddy mom anyway. It is better for me to be here, anxiety in check thanks to a lot of monitoring, and knowing at any moment they could get this baby out if needed.
I do stare at pictures of Claudia a lot. When she came to visit on Sunday I got NERVOUS to see her. Mainly because I knew she wouldn't react well. She was confused, she wanted to run the halls... Yes, she gave me a hug and wanted "up" but was off and running again and got pretty crabby only 30 minutes into the visit. Oh well. It is okay.
I remember my niece visiting my sis in law who was on bed rest in the hospital reacting the same way. Luckily Claudia is very much still in the "love the one you are with" kind of stage. She has been spending time with grandparents on BOTH sides...who adore her as much as we do and have really stepped up to help us out.
The other hard part is being that I see a doctor 90+ minutes away from where we live, there is no one local to come visit me on a regular basis. Plus, when I got sent in on Friday night, I missed my parent's anniversary party on Saturday. The 40th anniversary party I planned and paid for and worked so hard on....luckily it still went off without a hitch and I think everyone had a great time. I am not pouting about it too much it is just my parent's have given me SO much, I wanted to be there to give them something back.
I am not on strict bed rest, I get monitored about 4 times a day but they want me up and walking. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time in the gift shop. And online shopping. Claudia's bday is in 2 months and I can start to plan that.
Right now, an amnio is scheduled for 10/9 and if this little dude's lungs are mature, out he will come. That is 2 weeks from today. Did I mention that nothing is prepared at home? As in... nothing. But, I am okay with it. I really am. The control freak in me really wants his room DONE. The bouncy seat back from my sis in law's house, the bottles cleaned...oh, the infant car seat? I have no idea where the newborn insert is and that means I am going to have to try to get Craig to find it.
But, all in due time. None of that is "important". Right now, we will just hope for the best and be thankful I am able to be here.
Yup. Soon after my last entry, I was sent to the hospital after monitoring showed something was up. I was monitored continuously for about 4 days, met with some high risk docs, and it was decided based on my history and my tendency towards pre eclampsia and my increasing numbers in that region that I should just stay put until the baby is born.
Am I upset? No.
Am I bored? Not yet.
Is the food okay? Eh...
:)
Seriously, I am in good spirits. It isn't ideal, I hate being away from Claudia but ever since we learned this baby has a cord issue and my panic attacks set in, I have been a pretty cruddy mom anyway. It is better for me to be here, anxiety in check thanks to a lot of monitoring, and knowing at any moment they could get this baby out if needed.
I do stare at pictures of Claudia a lot. When she came to visit on Sunday I got NERVOUS to see her. Mainly because I knew she wouldn't react well. She was confused, she wanted to run the halls... Yes, she gave me a hug and wanted "up" but was off and running again and got pretty crabby only 30 minutes into the visit. Oh well. It is okay.
I remember my niece visiting my sis in law who was on bed rest in the hospital reacting the same way. Luckily Claudia is very much still in the "love the one you are with" kind of stage. She has been spending time with grandparents on BOTH sides...who adore her as much as we do and have really stepped up to help us out.
The other hard part is being that I see a doctor 90+ minutes away from where we live, there is no one local to come visit me on a regular basis. Plus, when I got sent in on Friday night, I missed my parent's anniversary party on Saturday. The 40th anniversary party I planned and paid for and worked so hard on....luckily it still went off without a hitch and I think everyone had a great time. I am not pouting about it too much it is just my parent's have given me SO much, I wanted to be there to give them something back.
I am not on strict bed rest, I get monitored about 4 times a day but they want me up and walking. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time in the gift shop. And online shopping. Claudia's bday is in 2 months and I can start to plan that.
Right now, an amnio is scheduled for 10/9 and if this little dude's lungs are mature, out he will come. That is 2 weeks from today. Did I mention that nothing is prepared at home? As in... nothing. But, I am okay with it. I really am. The control freak in me really wants his room DONE. The bouncy seat back from my sis in law's house, the bottles cleaned...oh, the infant car seat? I have no idea where the newborn insert is and that means I am going to have to try to get Craig to find it.
But, all in due time. None of that is "important". Right now, we will just hope for the best and be thankful I am able to be here.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Just checking in really quick, whoa. This pregnancy is kicking my butt. So far, baby boy is hanging in okay, monitoring is going okay...we have had some ups and downs but HE seems to be doing well in this moment. It is very much on a day to day basis and can, and probably will, change at the drop of a hat.
Me? Not so much. I am being monitored pretty heavily for pre-eclampsia (I had it with Claudia, but after she was born which was scary enough.) I have had a general unwell feeling for weeks, anxiety attacks, racing heart, whatever. I was on a heart monitor for awhile.
It has been bad. I can't really take care of Claudia on my own. I pretty much just lay low each day, hoping it passes so we can get to mid October and hopefully have a screaming baby in our arms. It is really hard not to feel physically good because in both of my previous pregnancies (Curtis and Claudia) I have physically felt really well.
Weighing on my mind these last few weeks has been preschool. I have a lot of friends with 3 year olds who all started preschool in the last few weeks. Would Curtis have started preschool? Would he have been ready? A simple 2 or 3 day a week program? Would he be potty trained? What would it have been like to drop him off on his first days?
I see pictures. Grinning kids, too big smiles, backpacks the same size as them. What kind of backpack would he have picked? Would he cry when we dropped him off or would he have ran straight ahead without a glance back?
It is hard to picture him as a 3 year old. He is so much my tiny baby still, the tiny baby I was so afraid to hold and move. The tiny baby who I only saw his face.... my tiny baby who should at least have had the option of going to preschool this year.
Me? Not so much. I am being monitored pretty heavily for pre-eclampsia (I had it with Claudia, but after she was born which was scary enough.) I have had a general unwell feeling for weeks, anxiety attacks, racing heart, whatever. I was on a heart monitor for awhile.
It has been bad. I can't really take care of Claudia on my own. I pretty much just lay low each day, hoping it passes so we can get to mid October and hopefully have a screaming baby in our arms. It is really hard not to feel physically good because in both of my previous pregnancies (Curtis and Claudia) I have physically felt really well.
Weighing on my mind these last few weeks has been preschool. I have a lot of friends with 3 year olds who all started preschool in the last few weeks. Would Curtis have started preschool? Would he have been ready? A simple 2 or 3 day a week program? Would he be potty trained? What would it have been like to drop him off on his first days?
I see pictures. Grinning kids, too big smiles, backpacks the same size as them. What kind of backpack would he have picked? Would he cry when we dropped him off or would he have ran straight ahead without a glance back?
It is hard to picture him as a 3 year old. He is so much my tiny baby still, the tiny baby I was so afraid to hold and move. The tiny baby who I only saw his face.... my tiny baby who should at least have had the option of going to preschool this year.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I don't even know where to begin.
I don't even want to blog (obviously, since I haven't posted since August 21st...) but my anxiety and stress are at an all time high. I admit, I am not handling it well, at all. When we returned from meeting with the research doctor I knew we had a long road in front of us. My anxiety and stress has always been there. Through Claudia's pregnancy it was hard. I admit.
The beginning of this pregnancy was easier. It really was. Then we hit viability and I started getting more anxious again. A lot sleepless nights. Waking and pacing the house until I felt the baby move. Afraid to pull out the doppler in case....well, in case there was no heartbeat to be found.
After coming back home from our trip where we learned this guy had a cord issue, I had to go to the hospital one night. It wasn't so much for the baby, it was for me. My heart was racing, I was dizzy...my blood pressure was up. We went to a local hospital, close by, not one where my OB is. I actually knew the baby was fine, I just was worried about myself. What was going on? The monitored the heck out of the baby, gave us ultrasounds, and basically sent me home. I was pretty upset as I know they chalked it up to anxiety barely running any tests on me and figured it would calm me down to run tests on the baby. Yeah, not really. I did have a few tests run (after hours of being there) and they thoughts things were fine, but my OB didn't like the results of my thyroid levels and put me on a low dose of meds. An out of whack thyroid can cause light headed stuff/heart racing stuff.
I don't know what to think anymore. I have no idea what is "in my head" and what is real. I have had times where I feel my heart race increase again. I haven't felt like myself. I have a hard time being the only one in charge of Claudia because I am so afraid of having some type of panic set it. Saturday Craig was taking a nap and I got Claudia up from her nap and as she was eating a snack I started to feel very panicky. I paced around the house, breathing quickly through my mouth, trying to calm myself down. .
Actually, it was kind of funny because Claudia started to imitate my breathing from her chair.
It lasted on and off that evening. I don't even know if my heart was racing much, but I just had this overall unsettled feeling. During these times I am constantly jumping up and pacing.
During the times it isn't happening, I am wondering when it is going to happen again. I am quickly seeing why people become agoraphobic and refuse to leave their house. I am not keen on leaving the comfort of my house right now. Claudia is still attending daycare and when I pick her up at 4:30 each day, I stress until Craig comes home. Just in case it happens again. On Wednesdays we don't have daycare...she has been going to my mom's because I am afraid of being alone with her.
Do you know how bad that sucks? I am her mom and I am afraid to be alone with her. I cried today as her and Craig went to the mall playland without me. I was tired and napping and she needed to go run....but, I knew I couldn't handle being out. Not now.
Monitoring this guy has been stressful, we have had some ups and downs with it....that isn't helping my anxiety. Looking back, Claudia's monitoring each night was a dream! (Didn't feel like it at the time, but she was.) She was the perfect baby on the monitors and this guy has decided to give us all a lot more headaches. We have been close to being sent in to the hospital a few times now.
So.... that is where I am at. I keep telling myself I will take all the anxiety in the world to avoid the grief later. And, I am hoping this is just it..I am hoping it is anxiety manifesting itself into physical symptoms. It never happened in Claudia's pregnancy or any other area of my life. I have ALWAYS been an anxious person. Always. Always the worrier. But it has never set in where I am physically pacing the house, racing heart rate, trying to talk myself "down". So, I am hoping to goes away when this guy comes. Hopefully in a bit over 5 weeks.
Please, let that be it. Because if this continues after this baby is born...I don't know anymore. I will not take anti anxiety meds while pregnant, no way, no how. After I will would try them though if this continues.
I don't even want to blog (obviously, since I haven't posted since August 21st...) but my anxiety and stress are at an all time high. I admit, I am not handling it well, at all. When we returned from meeting with the research doctor I knew we had a long road in front of us. My anxiety and stress has always been there. Through Claudia's pregnancy it was hard. I admit.
The beginning of this pregnancy was easier. It really was. Then we hit viability and I started getting more anxious again. A lot sleepless nights. Waking and pacing the house until I felt the baby move. Afraid to pull out the doppler in case....well, in case there was no heartbeat to be found.
After coming back home from our trip where we learned this guy had a cord issue, I had to go to the hospital one night. It wasn't so much for the baby, it was for me. My heart was racing, I was dizzy...my blood pressure was up. We went to a local hospital, close by, not one where my OB is. I actually knew the baby was fine, I just was worried about myself. What was going on? The monitored the heck out of the baby, gave us ultrasounds, and basically sent me home. I was pretty upset as I know they chalked it up to anxiety barely running any tests on me and figured it would calm me down to run tests on the baby. Yeah, not really. I did have a few tests run (after hours of being there) and they thoughts things were fine, but my OB didn't like the results of my thyroid levels and put me on a low dose of meds. An out of whack thyroid can cause light headed stuff/heart racing stuff.
I don't know what to think anymore. I have no idea what is "in my head" and what is real. I have had times where I feel my heart race increase again. I haven't felt like myself. I have a hard time being the only one in charge of Claudia because I am so afraid of having some type of panic set it. Saturday Craig was taking a nap and I got Claudia up from her nap and as she was eating a snack I started to feel very panicky. I paced around the house, breathing quickly through my mouth, trying to calm myself down. .
Actually, it was kind of funny because Claudia started to imitate my breathing from her chair.
It lasted on and off that evening. I don't even know if my heart was racing much, but I just had this overall unsettled feeling. During these times I am constantly jumping up and pacing.
During the times it isn't happening, I am wondering when it is going to happen again. I am quickly seeing why people become agoraphobic and refuse to leave their house. I am not keen on leaving the comfort of my house right now. Claudia is still attending daycare and when I pick her up at 4:30 each day, I stress until Craig comes home. Just in case it happens again. On Wednesdays we don't have daycare...she has been going to my mom's because I am afraid of being alone with her.
Do you know how bad that sucks? I am her mom and I am afraid to be alone with her. I cried today as her and Craig went to the mall playland without me. I was tired and napping and she needed to go run....but, I knew I couldn't handle being out. Not now.
Monitoring this guy has been stressful, we have had some ups and downs with it....that isn't helping my anxiety. Looking back, Claudia's monitoring each night was a dream! (Didn't feel like it at the time, but she was.) She was the perfect baby on the monitors and this guy has decided to give us all a lot more headaches. We have been close to being sent in to the hospital a few times now.
So.... that is where I am at. I keep telling myself I will take all the anxiety in the world to avoid the grief later. And, I am hoping this is just it..I am hoping it is anxiety manifesting itself into physical symptoms. It never happened in Claudia's pregnancy or any other area of my life. I have ALWAYS been an anxious person. Always. Always the worrier. But it has never set in where I am physically pacing the house, racing heart rate, trying to talk myself "down". So, I am hoping to goes away when this guy comes. Hopefully in a bit over 5 weeks.
Please, let that be it. Because if this continues after this baby is born...I don't know anymore. I will not take anti anxiety meds while pregnant, no way, no how. After I will would try them though if this continues.
Friday, August 21, 2009
I am seriously slacking here, but for a good reason. This pregnancy has become very all consuming.
We have discovered this little guy has a cord issue, which is keeping in line with the research that shows cord issues can and do repeat. (yes! There is research! No, cord accidents are not flukes.)
I know I haven't gotten to the point in 'our story' where I talk about working with the research doctor and nightly monitoring...but we are doing it again in this pregnancy and just started it recently, where we discovered this little guy's cord issue. I took the news hard, but determined.
It is hard. It is hard knowing the same issue that took Curtis' life is repeating, yet again, in this pregnancy. But at the same time I KNOW this time, I know how to monitor it, I have the tools to prevent it. Just like with Claudia. I know we prevented a disaster last time and it was all worth it.
It is still very exhausting to go through this again.
I am off of work now, I made it 9 weeks longer than I did with Claudia, but with the anxiety and many appointments each week, it is just better to have my work not count on me until after the baby comes and my thoughts are not constantly is-he-still-alive-inside-of-me.
So, that is where I am at. BUT...now that I am off of work, I really will have some time during the day to blog a bit, I would love to get Claudia's story finished up before this little guy comes. Because I am going to want to write his story too!
We have discovered this little guy has a cord issue, which is keeping in line with the research that shows cord issues can and do repeat. (yes! There is research! No, cord accidents are not flukes.)
I know I haven't gotten to the point in 'our story' where I talk about working with the research doctor and nightly monitoring...but we are doing it again in this pregnancy and just started it recently, where we discovered this little guy's cord issue. I took the news hard, but determined.
It is hard. It is hard knowing the same issue that took Curtis' life is repeating, yet again, in this pregnancy. But at the same time I KNOW this time, I know how to monitor it, I have the tools to prevent it. Just like with Claudia. I know we prevented a disaster last time and it was all worth it.
It is still very exhausting to go through this again.
I am off of work now, I made it 9 weeks longer than I did with Claudia, but with the anxiety and many appointments each week, it is just better to have my work not count on me until after the baby comes and my thoughts are not constantly is-he-still-alive-inside-of-me.
So, that is where I am at. BUT...now that I am off of work, I really will have some time during the day to blog a bit, I would love to get Claudia's story finished up before this little guy comes. Because I am going to want to write his story too!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Our Story: Part 27
After hearing the h/b (left off after hearing the heartbeat around 12 weeks in my pregnancy after losing Curtis and my miscarriage).
So, Craig wanted to tell people. I did too, sorta. I mean...telling people meant questions. Telling people meant causing THEM worry. Telling people meant it being OUT THERE.
There was also the issue with the doctor. I never wanted to see my old OB, the one I had with Curtis, again. While I don't blame him for what happened to Curtis, I do blame him for the cruddy way he handled the loss, the way he handled my miscarriage, and the way he handled my new pregnancy. (Saying "We will do nothing different this time" did not sit well. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result?)
Thanks to the conference, I had learned there were a few doctors out there open to the emerging research about cord issues repeating. I was given the names of two. One, I was told, would be there. She wouldn't just pretend to believe me, she would be me. She was amazing. I was told to go to her, despite the fact it would be close to a 2 hour drive to see her each time. The other doctor, I was told, was just as good. But a little bit more unreachable. A little bit more clinical. She would work with us, but I got the feeling she was more humoring her patients. She was much closer in location.
I did not want to be humored. Craig wanted the doctor who was closer. Who cared if she humored us as long as we got answers? I didn't want someone to pat me on the head, roll her eyes, and order me the tests. I wanted someone who believe me. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to have to dig in my heels and insist.
I just wanted it to happen. Craig agreed to meet with the far away doctor, because it is what I wanted. I guess, in a way, he was humoring me. I emailed this doctor and we set up an appointment for 14 weeks. Just 2 weeks away.
In the mean time, my mom's birthday approached. She ended up being alone the weekend of her birthday due to some crazy circumstances that my dad had gotten himself roped into. Craig and I offered to take her out to dinner. My grandparents decided to come along, then asked if she could change the time of her birthday dinner so they could scoot off to another party.
My poor mom. First my dad has to leave on her birthday, then her birthday dinner time gets moved...she was feeling pretty bummed.
I informed Craig we should tell. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready. But I figured she would love the surprise and the first of getting to "know". I bought a birthday card for her that said "To Grandma". I signed it "Love, Curtis and Baby #2 due in December."
We arrived at my parent's house and were lingering around, waiting to leave for dinner.
"Open your cards!" I insisted. I thrust the grandma on in her hands.
My stomach was in knots. My heart was racing.
She opened it and stared.
And stared.
She was squinting at it.
She didn't have her glasses on. She was trying to figure out what it said.
'What is it I am reading?" She asked.
Sigh. Typical. Big huge news and she couldn't read it.
"Happy Birthday. Love, Curtis and Baby #2 Due in ...."
She let out a scream like I have NEVER heard before. It wasn't really an excited scream. It wasn't terrified. It was just a SCREAM. She dropped the card, buried her head in her hands and started to sob. Hysterical sobs.
I looked at Craig. He looked at me. "Hug her." He mouthed to me.
I shook my head no. I had no idea what this reaction was. Was it good? Was it bad? What was it?
After a few moments she flung her arms around us. "I thought that is what it said! But I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you signed the dog's name to it! I didn't want to assume."
I was overwhelmed at her excitement. I thought the news would be met with more reservations. Excitement, but cautious. Not this unbridled all out happiness.
We went to dinner and shared the news with my grandparents. Later that afternoon, while my dad was on his way home, my mom called him and made me tell him the news over the phone. He later told me it was hard to stay on the road when he had tears in his eyes.
We left my parent's house and Craig was practically bouncing out of his seat. "Can we go to my family now?"
I couldn't deny him this. We had told my family, there was a good reaction....but i felt that headache setting in. That overwhelming feeling. The "what have we done" emotions rolling in.
We live a good 50 minutes away from my inlaws. We usually just don't 'show up' out of the blue. However, they didn't seem phased that we were on their step at 8pm on a Sunday night. My mother in law starts telling us a crazy story that happened earlier in the day to her and my father in law. It was a pretty funny story but it kept going and going. She was totally oblivious we had news to share. The longer the story went, the more my throat felt like it was closing.
Craig finally had enough. When his mom stopped to take a breath, he jumped in and said "Well, do you want some more news?"
My father in law put down his glass of brandy, very serious, and said "Yes." quite loudly.
"The due date is in December."
The response was overwhelming. A lot of hugs, happy tears, and more hugs. Lots of questions. His mom saying 'Why did you let me talk for so long? Geesh! I just kept talking and talking!" We walked across the street to where my brother in law and sister in law live and told them the news.
Everyone was SO happy.
We left our inlaws and Craig called another one of his brothers and told them the news. Lots of celebrating on their end.
After he hung up the phone, I burst into tears. It was all so...so....soooo much. I wasn't expecting it all. I was expecting them to be excited, yes, but I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of emotion. I was expecting them to be cautious or worried (which I am sure they were...) but they were so happy. In that moment, they were happy.
As we drove on the car, I continued to cry. The headache came on full force. Now they were all involved. Now it meant this was real. We were traveling down this road together. Now if something sad happened again, it meant bringing them down with us. But they needed to know. They deserved to know. We needed the support. They had been wonderful in supporting and remembering Curtis with us. But it was hard. Just so hard. I didn't want them disappointed again.
After hearing the h/b (left off after hearing the heartbeat around 12 weeks in my pregnancy after losing Curtis and my miscarriage).
So, Craig wanted to tell people. I did too, sorta. I mean...telling people meant questions. Telling people meant causing THEM worry. Telling people meant it being OUT THERE.
There was also the issue with the doctor. I never wanted to see my old OB, the one I had with Curtis, again. While I don't blame him for what happened to Curtis, I do blame him for the cruddy way he handled the loss, the way he handled my miscarriage, and the way he handled my new pregnancy. (Saying "We will do nothing different this time" did not sit well. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result?)
Thanks to the conference, I had learned there were a few doctors out there open to the emerging research about cord issues repeating. I was given the names of two. One, I was told, would be there. She wouldn't just pretend to believe me, she would be me. She was amazing. I was told to go to her, despite the fact it would be close to a 2 hour drive to see her each time. The other doctor, I was told, was just as good. But a little bit more unreachable. A little bit more clinical. She would work with us, but I got the feeling she was more humoring her patients. She was much closer in location.
I did not want to be humored. Craig wanted the doctor who was closer. Who cared if she humored us as long as we got answers? I didn't want someone to pat me on the head, roll her eyes, and order me the tests. I wanted someone who believe me. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to have to dig in my heels and insist.
I just wanted it to happen. Craig agreed to meet with the far away doctor, because it is what I wanted. I guess, in a way, he was humoring me. I emailed this doctor and we set up an appointment for 14 weeks. Just 2 weeks away.
In the mean time, my mom's birthday approached. She ended up being alone the weekend of her birthday due to some crazy circumstances that my dad had gotten himself roped into. Craig and I offered to take her out to dinner. My grandparents decided to come along, then asked if she could change the time of her birthday dinner so they could scoot off to another party.
My poor mom. First my dad has to leave on her birthday, then her birthday dinner time gets moved...she was feeling pretty bummed.
I informed Craig we should tell. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready. But I figured she would love the surprise and the first of getting to "know". I bought a birthday card for her that said "To Grandma". I signed it "Love, Curtis and Baby #2 due in December."
We arrived at my parent's house and were lingering around, waiting to leave for dinner.
"Open your cards!" I insisted. I thrust the grandma on in her hands.
My stomach was in knots. My heart was racing.
She opened it and stared.
And stared.
She was squinting at it.
She didn't have her glasses on. She was trying to figure out what it said.
'What is it I am reading?" She asked.
Sigh. Typical. Big huge news and she couldn't read it.
"Happy Birthday. Love, Curtis and Baby #2 Due in ...."
She let out a scream like I have NEVER heard before. It wasn't really an excited scream. It wasn't terrified. It was just a SCREAM. She dropped the card, buried her head in her hands and started to sob. Hysterical sobs.
I looked at Craig. He looked at me. "Hug her." He mouthed to me.
I shook my head no. I had no idea what this reaction was. Was it good? Was it bad? What was it?
After a few moments she flung her arms around us. "I thought that is what it said! But I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you signed the dog's name to it! I didn't want to assume."
I was overwhelmed at her excitement. I thought the news would be met with more reservations. Excitement, but cautious. Not this unbridled all out happiness.
We went to dinner and shared the news with my grandparents. Later that afternoon, while my dad was on his way home, my mom called him and made me tell him the news over the phone. He later told me it was hard to stay on the road when he had tears in his eyes.
We left my parent's house and Craig was practically bouncing out of his seat. "Can we go to my family now?"
I couldn't deny him this. We had told my family, there was a good reaction....but i felt that headache setting in. That overwhelming feeling. The "what have we done" emotions rolling in.
We live a good 50 minutes away from my inlaws. We usually just don't 'show up' out of the blue. However, they didn't seem phased that we were on their step at 8pm on a Sunday night. My mother in law starts telling us a crazy story that happened earlier in the day to her and my father in law. It was a pretty funny story but it kept going and going. She was totally oblivious we had news to share. The longer the story went, the more my throat felt like it was closing.
Craig finally had enough. When his mom stopped to take a breath, he jumped in and said "Well, do you want some more news?"
My father in law put down his glass of brandy, very serious, and said "Yes." quite loudly.
"The due date is in December."
The response was overwhelming. A lot of hugs, happy tears, and more hugs. Lots of questions. His mom saying 'Why did you let me talk for so long? Geesh! I just kept talking and talking!" We walked across the street to where my brother in law and sister in law live and told them the news.
Everyone was SO happy.
We left our inlaws and Craig called another one of his brothers and told them the news. Lots of celebrating on their end.
After he hung up the phone, I burst into tears. It was all so...so....soooo much. I wasn't expecting it all. I was expecting them to be excited, yes, but I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of emotion. I was expecting them to be cautious or worried (which I am sure they were...) but they were so happy. In that moment, they were happy.
As we drove on the car, I continued to cry. The headache came on full force. Now they were all involved. Now it meant this was real. We were traveling down this road together. Now if something sad happened again, it meant bringing them down with us. But they needed to know. They deserved to know. We needed the support. They had been wonderful in supporting and remembering Curtis with us. But it was hard. Just so hard. I didn't want them disappointed again.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Hi.
How are you?
It has been a long few weeks. Good things, scary things, More good though.
I need to jump into the here and now though. As always, I will return to the Our Story posts because I like getting all of this down, but I also want to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind, very heavily.
As I mentioned previously, I am pregnant. I am a little over 22 weeks and a few weeks ago we have our "big" 20 week ultrasound. By big, I mean we find out the gender. We find out how everything in the pregnancy is progressing. I have a Level II which is a 'high risk' one where they take and even more in depth look at the baby.
I had this appointment, June 18th, booked for over 2 months. That date lingered in my mind. I was sitting at my friend's wedding on April 18th thinking "two months from today...". Work documents, commercials, any talk about mid June my mind went to the ultrasound.
I haven't blogged about this yet, but at 20 weeks with Claudia was where things got very stressful. So that was always on my mind.
Enter June 18th. Craig and I both took the day off and headed to my ultrasound. We had a scare earlier in the week as well where I heard some fetal arrhythmia's on my home doppler. I was freaked out. I had talked to my doctor, they would make sure to do a fetal echo cardiogram on the ultrasound. They would figure it all out.
There we were. Me, on this table in a darkened room. A screen in front of me. The tech was all chatty. "Are you going to find out the gender?"
"Uh, yeah."
Gender? Great, yes, finding out the gender is fun. But what I wanted to tell her is "I want to find out if the baby is healthy."
Realistically, I know this ultrasound can't predict a healthy, living, full term pregnancy. I have multiple perfect ultrasounds with Curtis and we didn't take him home. But, in that moment I wanted to know everything is okay.
A few minutes into the ultrasound, she scans between the legs. Now, thanks to my years on baby message boards I have seen a lot of ultrasound pictures. Plus, I have had a boy and a girl ultrasounds. If given a clear shot, I can tell.
"That is a boy."
I was the one who said it, even before the tech got the words out. I saw it, and I do mean IT, clear as a day. No mistaking. Craig grinned and said "How did you even know what you were looking at?"
I don't care about gender. I honestly don't. But I was shocked. Hard core shocked. I was convinced the baby was going to be a girl. I had a feeling after we lost Curtis, not a bad feeling, but just a feeling I would only have girls. I did wonder, deep down, if this baby would be a boy. But I was fairly certain it was a girl. I didn't care. I had images of toddlers in matching Christmas dresses and teenage girls fighting over the bathroom.
The next hour the tech took all the measurements, telling me what looked good, what she was measuring. The doctor came in, started jabbering away, saying he looked 100% healthy and we had nothing to worry about. He also said some total jerky stuff like "Bad things don't happen twice." (um, why don't you talk to women who have had multiple stillbirths, then? Because there are women who have had this happen twice.) He also said it was "Better to have the girl first." Which just isn't factually true for us, we had the boy first.
But...I was in a good mood. The baby, in this moment, looked healthy. We found out the gender. We wanted to celebrate as a couple. So, I didn't say anything. Because this doctor I would never see again (he is not my doctor, he belongs to the high risk group). I just wanted the hell out of that room.
Craig and I carried on our tradition of going to pick out a few outfits. A boy. A boy. A boy. I hadn't allowed myself to even glance at the blue section of baby sections in years. 3 years to be exact. I had learned to avoid and head straight for the pink.
We told our families that night. They were very excited for us, my mom cried, my father in law jumped up and commented it was time we had a boy with the girl boom recently (Claudia and my niece who is 10 months) which led me to have mixed emotions. How would everyone had reacted if it was "another" girl? Would they have been AS excited?
I know I would have.
And then as we have told other people the last few weeks, I knew it would happen. The comments we would get.
"Now you have a girl AND a boy." Well, no. We have 2 boys and a girl.
"You are so lucky to get one of each!" Well, no. We have 2 of one and one of another.
"You will have the perfect little family!" No, we won't. Perfection is having all your children on Earth.
"So excited about the birth of your first son!" No, he is the second! Trust me. I gave birth to Curtis. I was there. I remember.
"When number two comes..." No, actually. Number 3.
"So great Claudia will have a brother." Now, I know she doesn't have a brother in a traditional sense, but once again...factually it is not true.
Craig heard something about his 'first' son as well.
And on and on and on.
I knew those comments would come. I cannot let them go. I am kind about them, I do not get on my high horse. But I will say "Nope, number 3!" Or "Well, we have a little boy who died, so he will be our second son and we are very thrilled he looks healthy."
But those little comments really bother me. I think anyone, anywhere with kids get gender comments. My cousin has 4 girls and I am sure she is ready to strangle the next person who does the "Hohoho, just you wait until the teenage years!" comments. Or my friend who is pregnant after having 2 boys who hears "I bet you are hoping for a girl this time!" I bet she wants to scream....she tried for a baby. Not a gender. Like she is going to ask for the kid to be put back in if it is not the 'correct' gender?
It is an odd sense of emotions to be expecting a boy after losing a boy. Like I say, for me it was a win/win situation. I WANTED a girl, because I wanted Claudia to have a sister, I wanted to see two little girls grow up together. Share that bond. Plus, I love our girl's name we had picked out. I WANTED a boy, to experience dirt and firetrucks (yeah, totally gender stereotyping here.) and getting to experience a son on Earth.
How could I *not* win in a situation like this?
One day, in the future...as we are out as a family of 4 (please, please please...) some other people will see us and think "One girl, one boy...perfect little family" but we will always know that isn't true. Our family chain is forever broken. There is a link. A link between us and Claudia that is forever missing. I just hope and pray people realize that things aren't always what they seem.
How are you?
It has been a long few weeks. Good things, scary things, More good though.
I need to jump into the here and now though. As always, I will return to the Our Story posts because I like getting all of this down, but I also want to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind, very heavily.
As I mentioned previously, I am pregnant. I am a little over 22 weeks and a few weeks ago we have our "big" 20 week ultrasound. By big, I mean we find out the gender. We find out how everything in the pregnancy is progressing. I have a Level II which is a 'high risk' one where they take and even more in depth look at the baby.
I had this appointment, June 18th, booked for over 2 months. That date lingered in my mind. I was sitting at my friend's wedding on April 18th thinking "two months from today...". Work documents, commercials, any talk about mid June my mind went to the ultrasound.
I haven't blogged about this yet, but at 20 weeks with Claudia was where things got very stressful. So that was always on my mind.
Enter June 18th. Craig and I both took the day off and headed to my ultrasound. We had a scare earlier in the week as well where I heard some fetal arrhythmia's on my home doppler. I was freaked out. I had talked to my doctor, they would make sure to do a fetal echo cardiogram on the ultrasound. They would figure it all out.
There we were. Me, on this table in a darkened room. A screen in front of me. The tech was all chatty. "Are you going to find out the gender?"
"Uh, yeah."
Gender? Great, yes, finding out the gender is fun. But what I wanted to tell her is "I want to find out if the baby is healthy."
Realistically, I know this ultrasound can't predict a healthy, living, full term pregnancy. I have multiple perfect ultrasounds with Curtis and we didn't take him home. But, in that moment I wanted to know everything is okay.
A few minutes into the ultrasound, she scans between the legs. Now, thanks to my years on baby message boards I have seen a lot of ultrasound pictures. Plus, I have had a boy and a girl ultrasounds. If given a clear shot, I can tell.
"That is a boy."
I was the one who said it, even before the tech got the words out. I saw it, and I do mean IT, clear as a day. No mistaking. Craig grinned and said "How did you even know what you were looking at?"
I don't care about gender. I honestly don't. But I was shocked. Hard core shocked. I was convinced the baby was going to be a girl. I had a feeling after we lost Curtis, not a bad feeling, but just a feeling I would only have girls. I did wonder, deep down, if this baby would be a boy. But I was fairly certain it was a girl. I didn't care. I had images of toddlers in matching Christmas dresses and teenage girls fighting over the bathroom.
The next hour the tech took all the measurements, telling me what looked good, what she was measuring. The doctor came in, started jabbering away, saying he looked 100% healthy and we had nothing to worry about. He also said some total jerky stuff like "Bad things don't happen twice." (um, why don't you talk to women who have had multiple stillbirths, then? Because there are women who have had this happen twice.) He also said it was "Better to have the girl first." Which just isn't factually true for us, we had the boy first.
But...I was in a good mood. The baby, in this moment, looked healthy. We found out the gender. We wanted to celebrate as a couple. So, I didn't say anything. Because this doctor I would never see again (he is not my doctor, he belongs to the high risk group). I just wanted the hell out of that room.
Craig and I carried on our tradition of going to pick out a few outfits. A boy. A boy. A boy. I hadn't allowed myself to even glance at the blue section of baby sections in years. 3 years to be exact. I had learned to avoid and head straight for the pink.
We told our families that night. They were very excited for us, my mom cried, my father in law jumped up and commented it was time we had a boy with the girl boom recently (Claudia and my niece who is 10 months) which led me to have mixed emotions. How would everyone had reacted if it was "another" girl? Would they have been AS excited?
I know I would have.
And then as we have told other people the last few weeks, I knew it would happen. The comments we would get.
"Now you have a girl AND a boy." Well, no. We have 2 boys and a girl.
"You are so lucky to get one of each!" Well, no. We have 2 of one and one of another.
"You will have the perfect little family!" No, we won't. Perfection is having all your children on Earth.
"So excited about the birth of your first son!" No, he is the second! Trust me. I gave birth to Curtis. I was there. I remember.
"When number two comes..." No, actually. Number 3.
"So great Claudia will have a brother." Now, I know she doesn't have a brother in a traditional sense, but once again...factually it is not true.
Craig heard something about his 'first' son as well.
And on and on and on.
I knew those comments would come. I cannot let them go. I am kind about them, I do not get on my high horse. But I will say "Nope, number 3!" Or "Well, we have a little boy who died, so he will be our second son and we are very thrilled he looks healthy."
But those little comments really bother me. I think anyone, anywhere with kids get gender comments. My cousin has 4 girls and I am sure she is ready to strangle the next person who does the "Hohoho, just you wait until the teenage years!" comments. Or my friend who is pregnant after having 2 boys who hears "I bet you are hoping for a girl this time!" I bet she wants to scream....she tried for a baby. Not a gender. Like she is going to ask for the kid to be put back in if it is not the 'correct' gender?
It is an odd sense of emotions to be expecting a boy after losing a boy. Like I say, for me it was a win/win situation. I WANTED a girl, because I wanted Claudia to have a sister, I wanted to see two little girls grow up together. Share that bond. Plus, I love our girl's name we had picked out. I WANTED a boy, to experience dirt and firetrucks (yeah, totally gender stereotyping here.) and getting to experience a son on Earth.
How could I *not* win in a situation like this?
One day, in the future...as we are out as a family of 4 (please, please please...) some other people will see us and think "One girl, one boy...perfect little family" but we will always know that isn't true. Our family chain is forever broken. There is a link. A link between us and Claudia that is forever missing. I just hope and pray people realize that things aren't always what they seem.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Our Story, Part 26
Rest of Curtis' birthday/Heartbeat
(left off on Curtis' 1st birthday, 2006.)
The rest of the weekend away was exactly what we needed. We spent a lot of time swimming, talking, relaxing, and eating. We agreed that, as long as we could, we would go away for Curtis' birthday.
That first year, a lot of people remembered. We got flowers sent to us, we got stacks of cards, emails and phone calls. Everyone remembered and we loved it. Craig's side of the family went to the angel on his actual birthday, right at the time he was born (5:31pm) and took a picture and sent it to us.
As soon as we got home, I felt panic set in. I mean, it always had been there, but whoa. It was ramping up. I had made a typical 12 week appointment at my OB's office. The doctor who had delivered, and fumbled, Curtis' birth. the 12 week appointment was key to me. It was when I was going to get to hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was when we were going to have to make choices. Choices that could mean the difference, literally, between life and death.
I clearly remember the appointment was set for a Thursday. The date was my mom's birthday, June 7th. No one knew at this point I was pregnant, so I was a bit worried the date would forever become tainted for me.
I had nightmares about the doppler. I remember so clearly the doctor putting the doppler on my huge, swollen stomach and hearing....nothing. No placenta sounds, no blood flow sounds, no heart beat sounds. Nothing. Then, my heartbeat off in the distance and the doctor putting his fingers to my wrist to confirm it was MY heartbeat and not Curtis'. I remember him rushing off to get the ultrasound machine and Craig saying "Well, I heard the heartbeat." And me shaking my head, knowing he was gone, saying "no, that was mine."
We got to the doctor's office and I was shaking. Craig asked the doctor if we could skip the doppler and go directly to the ultrasound instead. He knew the doppler raised my anxiety. Dopplers mean searching over my (expansive!) stomach. Fumbling. Searching over and over. The doctor blew off his concerns and said "well, we can take a peek with the ultrasound after the doppler." and did his nervous laugh we had come to hate. Craig retried his approach. "It is just that the last time the doppler was used...."
Too late, he had the thing fired up and ready to go. I shook my head at Craig to let him know I was okay. He put the wand on my stomach and within seconds said "I hear it in the distance, I just need more gel." He applied for gel to the wand and there it was, loud as can be, sounds just like galloping horses.
Craig grinned. I breathed for the first time in weeks.
True to his word, the doctor wheeled in the ultrasound machine and we got a glimpse of our baby to be.
I asked to not have a pap smear, I was so afraid of disturbing anything. The doctor blew off my concern, again, and basically said no. I was pretty much on cloud 9, so I went with it. Looking back, it makes me mad. Just further proof this doctor was not who we needed.
He informed me that they would not be doing anything different in this pregnancy, that is was a fluke and they do not see this type of thing repeat. I could have a high risk ultrasound at 20 weeks, and be induced at 40 weeks.
I didn't bother to argue. I didn't bother to tell him I have read the research. I have MET the doctor doing the research. I have met women who have had multiple pregnancies with multiple losses and multiple cord issues. Because he would not believe me. He would not listen to me.
I needed, above anything, a doctor who would listen to me. A doctor who BELIEVED me.
Now that I had the heartbeat on the doppler, I had work to do. I had to rent a doppler so I could find the heartbeat when I needed an anxiety relief. I had to find this new doctor, and soon. I had a few ideas, a few people who had walked this walk before me that would help. I wasn't alone in this. But I needed to move, and quickly.
The doctor bid us goodbye and told us he would see us in 4 weeks. Not so much buddy.
With an ultrasound picture in hand, we gazed at our little bean in the parking lot. It felt good. There was a lot of stress and worry...but for a few minutes, just like the day I found out I was pregnant, I felt good.
Craig grinned at me. "So???" he said, practically bouncing. "When can we tell people? When can we tell my parents?"
Gulp. Tell people? As in let others know? Cause others to worry and stress and, on top of it, ask me a million questions?
I am not so sure about that.
Rest of Curtis' birthday/Heartbeat
(left off on Curtis' 1st birthday, 2006.)
The rest of the weekend away was exactly what we needed. We spent a lot of time swimming, talking, relaxing, and eating. We agreed that, as long as we could, we would go away for Curtis' birthday.
That first year, a lot of people remembered. We got flowers sent to us, we got stacks of cards, emails and phone calls. Everyone remembered and we loved it. Craig's side of the family went to the angel on his actual birthday, right at the time he was born (5:31pm) and took a picture and sent it to us.
As soon as we got home, I felt panic set in. I mean, it always had been there, but whoa. It was ramping up. I had made a typical 12 week appointment at my OB's office. The doctor who had delivered, and fumbled, Curtis' birth. the 12 week appointment was key to me. It was when I was going to get to hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was when we were going to have to make choices. Choices that could mean the difference, literally, between life and death.
I clearly remember the appointment was set for a Thursday. The date was my mom's birthday, June 7th. No one knew at this point I was pregnant, so I was a bit worried the date would forever become tainted for me.
I had nightmares about the doppler. I remember so clearly the doctor putting the doppler on my huge, swollen stomach and hearing....nothing. No placenta sounds, no blood flow sounds, no heart beat sounds. Nothing. Then, my heartbeat off in the distance and the doctor putting his fingers to my wrist to confirm it was MY heartbeat and not Curtis'. I remember him rushing off to get the ultrasound machine and Craig saying "Well, I heard the heartbeat." And me shaking my head, knowing he was gone, saying "no, that was mine."
We got to the doctor's office and I was shaking. Craig asked the doctor if we could skip the doppler and go directly to the ultrasound instead. He knew the doppler raised my anxiety. Dopplers mean searching over my (expansive!) stomach. Fumbling. Searching over and over. The doctor blew off his concerns and said "well, we can take a peek with the ultrasound after the doppler." and did his nervous laugh we had come to hate. Craig retried his approach. "It is just that the last time the doppler was used...."
Too late, he had the thing fired up and ready to go. I shook my head at Craig to let him know I was okay. He put the wand on my stomach and within seconds said "I hear it in the distance, I just need more gel." He applied for gel to the wand and there it was, loud as can be, sounds just like galloping horses.
Craig grinned. I breathed for the first time in weeks.
True to his word, the doctor wheeled in the ultrasound machine and we got a glimpse of our baby to be.
I asked to not have a pap smear, I was so afraid of disturbing anything. The doctor blew off my concern, again, and basically said no. I was pretty much on cloud 9, so I went with it. Looking back, it makes me mad. Just further proof this doctor was not who we needed.
He informed me that they would not be doing anything different in this pregnancy, that is was a fluke and they do not see this type of thing repeat. I could have a high risk ultrasound at 20 weeks, and be induced at 40 weeks.
I didn't bother to argue. I didn't bother to tell him I have read the research. I have MET the doctor doing the research. I have met women who have had multiple pregnancies with multiple losses and multiple cord issues. Because he would not believe me. He would not listen to me.
I needed, above anything, a doctor who would listen to me. A doctor who BELIEVED me.
Now that I had the heartbeat on the doppler, I had work to do. I had to rent a doppler so I could find the heartbeat when I needed an anxiety relief. I had to find this new doctor, and soon. I had a few ideas, a few people who had walked this walk before me that would help. I wasn't alone in this. But I needed to move, and quickly.
The doctor bid us goodbye and told us he would see us in 4 weeks. Not so much buddy.
With an ultrasound picture in hand, we gazed at our little bean in the parking lot. It felt good. There was a lot of stress and worry...but for a few minutes, just like the day I found out I was pregnant, I felt good.
Craig grinned at me. "So???" he said, practically bouncing. "When can we tell people? When can we tell my parents?"
Gulp. Tell people? As in let others know? Cause others to worry and stress and, on top of it, ask me a million questions?
I am not so sure about that.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I actually want to take today's post and comment on some things/answer some questions that have come from my comments and email. You know, "ask me" kind of things. Except I have about 15 readers so that isn't many!
1) It wasn't my intention to add some big "SURPRISE" to my post about Curtis' birthday...I actually just wanted to explain about the 4th flower on his bricks. I try really hard to make his birthday about him and feel bad it came across that way.
2) Someone asked me if I thought his birthday hit harder this year because I am pregnant again and because of the age Claudia is.... I honestly don't think so. I was pregnant on his 1st birthday and I swear his birthday was ten times worse this year. I just think it is one of those things. You never know WHY it is bad. My theory was it wasn't bad last year because I was so wrapped up in Claudia. That could be true. It may not be since we are still pretty wrapped up in her! It could just be like anything....we have no idea which day will be horrible and which day won't. The things we don't think will be hard, will. And the thing I think will be easy, aren't. That is grief for ya. A big cluster mess of nonsense. ;)
3) Writing about Claudia's pregnancy has been slow going. It is HARD. Because the pregnancy was so darn awful. It pains me because Curtis' pregnancy was so darn EASY. So, that is why those posts have been slow to come. I so badly want to skim over all the bad stuff and get to the "YAY, she is here" post. But I can't. Because that isn't a true reflection of pregnancy after loss. So, that is why I have been struggling to post anything. I look back to where I left off and know the worst is to come. And, with my current pregnancy I am reaching the same point where things went south in Claudia's pregnancy (20 weeks) and well, let's face it, I am worried about those repeat issues.
4) Someone asked me recently if I get mad when someone compares my stillbirth to their miscarriage. They were grieving their 42 week stillborn baby girl and their sister compared her loss to her 6 week miscarriage. Now, I have had both. A miscarriage and a stillbirth. Yes, I get mad when people compare. Because you can't compare the two. They are different things. Much different. And each person's loss is probably the worse thing they have had happen to them. For me, losing Curtis was the single worst thing that has ever happened in the history of my life. My miscarriage wasn't. So, it does upset me because I feel the losses are different and are not comparable. A dear, wonderful friend of mine was trying to relate to me after I lost Curtis. She compared her break up with significant other of 9 years to the death of Curtis. Her break up was the worst thing that had happened to her. But...but.... can you imagine how that made me feel? She broke up with a jerk of a guy who deserved to be kicked to the curb and my son died inside of me and I had to endure 9 months of pregnancy and 5 hours of labor only to spend 4 hours with him. She was trying to be kind, she was trying to relate. But our losses are our own. I try to remember that when someone compares. I really do. I may not say anything to them in that moment. But I will probably vent to Craig or blog about it. Not because my loss is 'superior' to theirs, but because my loss is MY LOSS. No one else will understand my loss like I do. I own it, it is mine. I also try not to compare my loss to others...but sometimes I do. I try to make sure I keep my mouth shut. Because I know how much it hurts when others compare out loud!
5) ...and I have to end here for the night. I have a few more things I want to address, but some sleep is much needed. If anyone has any questions or whatever, please feel free.
1) It wasn't my intention to add some big "SURPRISE" to my post about Curtis' birthday...I actually just wanted to explain about the 4th flower on his bricks. I try really hard to make his birthday about him and feel bad it came across that way.
2) Someone asked me if I thought his birthday hit harder this year because I am pregnant again and because of the age Claudia is.... I honestly don't think so. I was pregnant on his 1st birthday and I swear his birthday was ten times worse this year. I just think it is one of those things. You never know WHY it is bad. My theory was it wasn't bad last year because I was so wrapped up in Claudia. That could be true. It may not be since we are still pretty wrapped up in her! It could just be like anything....we have no idea which day will be horrible and which day won't. The things we don't think will be hard, will. And the thing I think will be easy, aren't. That is grief for ya. A big cluster mess of nonsense. ;)
3) Writing about Claudia's pregnancy has been slow going. It is HARD. Because the pregnancy was so darn awful. It pains me because Curtis' pregnancy was so darn EASY. So, that is why those posts have been slow to come. I so badly want to skim over all the bad stuff and get to the "YAY, she is here" post. But I can't. Because that isn't a true reflection of pregnancy after loss. So, that is why I have been struggling to post anything. I look back to where I left off and know the worst is to come. And, with my current pregnancy I am reaching the same point where things went south in Claudia's pregnancy (20 weeks) and well, let's face it, I am worried about those repeat issues.
4) Someone asked me recently if I get mad when someone compares my stillbirth to their miscarriage. They were grieving their 42 week stillborn baby girl and their sister compared her loss to her 6 week miscarriage. Now, I have had both. A miscarriage and a stillbirth. Yes, I get mad when people compare. Because you can't compare the two. They are different things. Much different. And each person's loss is probably the worse thing they have had happen to them. For me, losing Curtis was the single worst thing that has ever happened in the history of my life. My miscarriage wasn't. So, it does upset me because I feel the losses are different and are not comparable. A dear, wonderful friend of mine was trying to relate to me after I lost Curtis. She compared her break up with significant other of 9 years to the death of Curtis. Her break up was the worst thing that had happened to her. But...but.... can you imagine how that made me feel? She broke up with a jerk of a guy who deserved to be kicked to the curb and my son died inside of me and I had to endure 9 months of pregnancy and 5 hours of labor only to spend 4 hours with him. She was trying to be kind, she was trying to relate. But our losses are our own. I try to remember that when someone compares. I really do. I may not say anything to them in that moment. But I will probably vent to Craig or blog about it. Not because my loss is 'superior' to theirs, but because my loss is MY LOSS. No one else will understand my loss like I do. I own it, it is mine. I also try not to compare my loss to others...but sometimes I do. I try to make sure I keep my mouth shut. Because I know how much it hurts when others compare out loud!
5) ...and I have to end here for the night. I have a few more things I want to address, but some sleep is much needed. If anyone has any questions or whatever, please feel free.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Curtis' birthday came and went fairly quietly. This was our 3rd year that we went up to northern MN to celebrate and remember our son.
This year, like I said before, has hit me especially hard. Taking the time away was exactly what we needed as a family. Our tradition is now going to build-a-bear and allowing Claudia to pick a bear to make. Well, in the future she can pick. Right now, we still have to pick for her. But she reached for two and we helped her narrow it down. She was _not_ happy when we took away the non filled bear away from her to get filled up. When we handed it back to her...she took off running with it, refusing to pose. I am pretty sure she was worried we were going to take it from her again:
After build-a-bear, we stopped at the Angel of Hope statue where Curtis has 3 paver bricks in his memory. Claudia was very over tired and not interested in posing:
We laid 4 flowers on Curtis' bricks. One from myself, one from Craig, one from Claudia, and one from a future sibling of Curtis' who will hopefully be born screaming in October of this year.
I also brought 4 flowers to lay in the angel's hands. One for Curtis, one for Aaron, one for Ethan, and one for Abbey (the red one! She is a girl, after all. The boys got blue!) I met their moms through our mutual losses. Aaron was born premature and lived 33 days before passing away the same day Curtis did, May 31st 2006. His mom, Nikki, and I knew each other online while we were both pregnant with our boys. We share this sad date, but have a great bond. I met Ethan's mom online. Ethan lived for 12 days from June 2nd to June 14th, 2005. He was born full term but inexplicably stopped breathing his first day on Earth. His mom is an amazing woman. Abbey is someone I have recently become acquainted with through her mom's blog. She and Curtis were due around the same time. She was born still 6 days after her due date, June 4th, 2006.
We tried to take a picture of the 3 of us, Claudia was not interested:
We drove to our condo later that day, and luckily Claudia did well the entire trip. Sadly, the weather was miserable (back home it was warm and sunny!) It was very windy and cold. On Curtis' actual birthday there was freezing rain! Okay, Minnesota is cold, but geesh!
Sunset from our condo our first night:
We spent the days together, as a family, lounging, swimming, and taking in the local restaurants. We talked about Curtis and the should have beens and what would it be likes. We talked little about the day we lost him but more about him in general, if that makes sense. We took a gondola ride up a mountain and sat on the shores of Lake Superior and were just a family....
We decided Curtis would insist on an ice cream cake. I mean, it is his mom and dad's favorite. Surely it would be his too. We hit the local DQ and found the perfect cake. We ate plenty, enough for us and him.
(Claudia has to wear the eye patch for opthamology issues. Don't worry!)
We came home on Monday. I was lucky to receive about 4 or 5 cards in the mail from various friends and that softened the 'blow' of returning to the real world. Knowing people back home were remembering Curtis meant the world.
It was a good weekend.
This year, like I said before, has hit me especially hard. Taking the time away was exactly what we needed as a family. Our tradition is now going to build-a-bear and allowing Claudia to pick a bear to make. Well, in the future she can pick. Right now, we still have to pick for her. But she reached for two and we helped her narrow it down. She was _not_ happy when we took away the non filled bear away from her to get filled up. When we handed it back to her...she took off running with it, refusing to pose. I am pretty sure she was worried we were going to take it from her again:
After build-a-bear, we stopped at the Angel of Hope statue where Curtis has 3 paver bricks in his memory. Claudia was very over tired and not interested in posing:
We laid 4 flowers on Curtis' bricks. One from myself, one from Craig, one from Claudia, and one from a future sibling of Curtis' who will hopefully be born screaming in October of this year.
I also brought 4 flowers to lay in the angel's hands. One for Curtis, one for Aaron, one for Ethan, and one for Abbey (the red one! She is a girl, after all. The boys got blue!) I met their moms through our mutual losses. Aaron was born premature and lived 33 days before passing away the same day Curtis did, May 31st 2006. His mom, Nikki, and I knew each other online while we were both pregnant with our boys. We share this sad date, but have a great bond. I met Ethan's mom online. Ethan lived for 12 days from June 2nd to June 14th, 2005. He was born full term but inexplicably stopped breathing his first day on Earth. His mom is an amazing woman. Abbey is someone I have recently become acquainted with through her mom's blog. She and Curtis were due around the same time. She was born still 6 days after her due date, June 4th, 2006.
We tried to take a picture of the 3 of us, Claudia was not interested:
We drove to our condo later that day, and luckily Claudia did well the entire trip. Sadly, the weather was miserable (back home it was warm and sunny!) It was very windy and cold. On Curtis' actual birthday there was freezing rain! Okay, Minnesota is cold, but geesh!
Sunset from our condo our first night:
We spent the days together, as a family, lounging, swimming, and taking in the local restaurants. We talked about Curtis and the should have beens and what would it be likes. We talked little about the day we lost him but more about him in general, if that makes sense. We took a gondola ride up a mountain and sat on the shores of Lake Superior and were just a family....
We decided Curtis would insist on an ice cream cake. I mean, it is his mom and dad's favorite. Surely it would be his too. We hit the local DQ and found the perfect cake. We ate plenty, enough for us and him.
(Claudia has to wear the eye patch for opthamology issues. Don't worry!)
We came home on Monday. I was lucky to receive about 4 or 5 cards in the mail from various friends and that softened the 'blow' of returning to the real world. Knowing people back home were remembering Curtis meant the world.
It was a good weekend.
Monday, May 25, 2009
I am finding it hard to believe it is May. I am finding it hard to believe it is almost the end of May and this weekend Craig, Claudia, and myself will go away for the weekend again to remember our baby boy and spend time as a family.
I have to admit, this month has rocked me to the core. And it took me by surprise. Mother's Day, which I thought wouldn't be that bad, was. I am constantly crying on my way home from work, before I pick up Claudia. I am having restless dreams and often wake at night.
Why? WHY this year? A friend once told me the 3s were hard.... 3rd week, 3rd month, 3rd year... maybe that was it?
Honestly, last year wasn't that hard. Because of her. Last year, Claudia was just over 6 months old on Curtis' 2nd birthday. We were very much in the 'every day we have you is a day we didn't have you last year' kind of world. There wasn't much time for grief. We were still in a lot of euphoria. That doesn't mean we didn't cry and talked about him: we did. We pulled out pictures and the DVD of pictures we made. We took Claudia to Build A Bear and made her a "Curtis Bear". (A tradition we plan to do every year for his birthday with her and any other child who decides to join our family...). We went to the Angel of Hope statue and visited his bricks. We did grieve...but I didn't spend the weeks and days leading up to his birthday in this...overwhelming sadness.
People hear we lost a son 3 years ago and they think "oh, that's too bad..." but they don't see what I see. I see a 3 year old, blond hair boy, with a bad hair colic and a dimple. Traits of his father. I see a kid asserting his independence, a kid I am trying to get to clean up his toys. A kid who would maybe want a Superman theme birthday or Wall E or whatever the hot thing is for three year old boys....but I am not sure what that is because I don't have a three year old. We would be debating if he should go to preschool in the fall or if he wasn't ready. We would be working on potty training, maybe his grandpa would take him to a ballgame, just the two of them.
Most people just see that little baby. Most of the time, I do too. But I know. I know he should be 3.
So, this year is hard. I have more time to think this year, more time to grieve. More time to wonder all the should haves and could have beens...the things people tell you not to linger on , but us loss parents. We do. We linger.
Because, lingering is a way of remembering. I remember. I grieve. This month is hard, these weeks and days have been overwhelming. Because I miss the baby boy I carried for 9 months and only got to hold for 4 hours. I miss the baby boy, but I miss the three year old I never met. The three year old he never had a chance to grow into.
I have to admit, this month has rocked me to the core. And it took me by surprise. Mother's Day, which I thought wouldn't be that bad, was. I am constantly crying on my way home from work, before I pick up Claudia. I am having restless dreams and often wake at night.
Why? WHY this year? A friend once told me the 3s were hard.... 3rd week, 3rd month, 3rd year... maybe that was it?
Honestly, last year wasn't that hard. Because of her. Last year, Claudia was just over 6 months old on Curtis' 2nd birthday. We were very much in the 'every day we have you is a day we didn't have you last year' kind of world. There wasn't much time for grief. We were still in a lot of euphoria. That doesn't mean we didn't cry and talked about him: we did. We pulled out pictures and the DVD of pictures we made. We took Claudia to Build A Bear and made her a "Curtis Bear". (A tradition we plan to do every year for his birthday with her and any other child who decides to join our family...). We went to the Angel of Hope statue and visited his bricks. We did grieve...but I didn't spend the weeks and days leading up to his birthday in this...overwhelming sadness.
People hear we lost a son 3 years ago and they think "oh, that's too bad..." but they don't see what I see. I see a 3 year old, blond hair boy, with a bad hair colic and a dimple. Traits of his father. I see a kid asserting his independence, a kid I am trying to get to clean up his toys. A kid who would maybe want a Superman theme birthday or Wall E or whatever the hot thing is for three year old boys....but I am not sure what that is because I don't have a three year old. We would be debating if he should go to preschool in the fall or if he wasn't ready. We would be working on potty training, maybe his grandpa would take him to a ballgame, just the two of them.
Most people just see that little baby. Most of the time, I do too. But I know. I know he should be 3.
So, this year is hard. I have more time to think this year, more time to grieve. More time to wonder all the should haves and could have beens...the things people tell you not to linger on , but us loss parents. We do. We linger.
Because, lingering is a way of remembering. I remember. I grieve. This month is hard, these weeks and days have been overwhelming. Because I miss the baby boy I carried for 9 months and only got to hold for 4 hours. I miss the baby boy, but I miss the three year old I never met. The three year old he never had a chance to grow into.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Our Story, Part 25
Curtis' Birthday
(left off just having a 6w6d u/s with our 2nd pregnancy after losing Curtis).
The discussion on "what to do" was rampant in our house. We knew we were DONE with the doctor who delivered Curtis. We knew we needed to find a new doctor. Part of me did not want to jump through hoops until I was in the 2nd trimester (14 weeks). I had a doctor's appointment set up with my current OB for 12 weeks. That was 5 weeks away. We decided we would make decisions at the time we could hear the heartbeat on the doppler. Then we would make the decisions that could get a child, a living child, in our arms.
So, we waited.
And told no one I was pregnant.
Each day was _hard_. I had no way of knowing if things were progressing. I had no way of knowing if that little heart was still thumping away. I knew women, I know women, who have lost babies at every single stage of pregnancy. There was no 'magic' time for me to get through, except birth.
On top of it all? We were rapidly approaching Curtis' first birthday. We didn't want to tell anyone until May had passed. We wanted, and needed, to make May about Curtis.
So, while Curtis' soon-to-be sibling grew inside of me, we prepared to celebrate the end of our first year without him. I don't mean celebrate in a bad way, but we had made it. We had made it a full year. We got through each holiday, each moment together. We grieved Curtis, we loved Curtis and we prepared for the inevitable host of emotions that would come with his birthday.
Craig put together a slide show of two of my favorite songs remembering Curtis. It showed me pregnant at 35 weeks, showed his room I had taken pictures of after we had put the finishing touches on it. It showed his shower cake. (Ironically saying "I'm On My Way")..it showed us with tear stained faces holding his little body. It showed him cuddled with his teddy bear. It showed his feet, being held by our nurse Kim. It showed his funeral. It showed his urn and us at the lake the day we spread his ashes. It showed the first memorial walk we attended with our "Team Curtis" tshirts. And on and on and on....
We packed a lot of celebrating, and grieving, into that year.
Our support group held a little birthday party for Curtis. We did a balloon release, we brought treats, we showed our video. It was a beautiful thing.
Craig and I decided we needed to get away for his birthday. His birthday landed on a Thursday so we took that day and the following Friday off. I researched various resorts and hotels in areas of Minnesota and surrounding states. We settled on the ski area of Lutsen, MN. It wasn't ski season so the prices for condos was cheap. We could get a one bedroom with a jacuzzi, something we could never afford normally.
The days leading up to Curtis' birthday were hard. Being pregnant was taking it's toll enough, dealing with his birthday about sent me over the edge.
Cards started to pour in, a lot of my friends from online communities remembered my little boy and sent us something. A wonderful woman sent us 2 plaques remembering Curtis.
We drove up to Lutsen on Curtis' actual birthday. I was up early, sitting on the couch when Craig woke up. He walked over and the first thing he said? 'Happy Birthday, Curtis."
It was the only time I cried all day.
We stopped at my parent's to drop off the dog, made idle conversation about nothing, and they handed us a card. We stopped at Craig's parents briefly for some reason. They, too, handed us a few cards. We were making polite chit chat and I found myself anxious. I wanted to be alone with Craig. I wanted out of the confines of having to make chit chat with people while my heart felt like it was going to burst.
We then drove to the Angel of Hope statue where Curtis has 3 bricks remembering him. We laid a white flower on his bricks and 2 flowers for friends of mine who had lost their children around the time we lost Curtis.
Then, we made our way to the lake. It wasn't on the direct path to our resort, but we wanted to go to where we spread Curtis' ashes the past summer. It was another beautiful day. We sat on the dock and talked about our little boy, talked about the day we spread his ashes. We took pictures of ourselves in the spot where his ashes had been spread. We set the self timer and took a silly picture of us laying on the dock together.
We were only there for about 30 minutes, but it was enough. We got in the car and started driving to our final destination.
We were actually in the car at 5:31pm, the time Curtis was born. I took a picture of the clock.
We arrived at our resort early in the evening. We were thrilled with what we found. A beautiful view of the mountain area, a private deck, and comfortable amenities. We sat on the couch together and opened the cards people had given us. Craig had written me a card with the sweetest, most heartfelt words. He spoke about how he knew how hard it had been on me, I had carried Curtis and given birth to him...he spoke of how proud he was of our boy and what he may be doing now if he had been born alive. I still read the card on a regular basis.
We spent the first evening enjoying our surroundings. Heading into town to buy a frozen pizza... swimming in the outdoor/indoor pool, watching the TV. Later in the evening, as we decided to start a fire in our fire place, I noticed the mantle above the fireplace had an inscription carved into the wood.
It said 'Rekindle Your Heart".
Curtis' Birthday
(left off just having a 6w6d u/s with our 2nd pregnancy after losing Curtis).
The discussion on "what to do" was rampant in our house. We knew we were DONE with the doctor who delivered Curtis. We knew we needed to find a new doctor. Part of me did not want to jump through hoops until I was in the 2nd trimester (14 weeks). I had a doctor's appointment set up with my current OB for 12 weeks. That was 5 weeks away. We decided we would make decisions at the time we could hear the heartbeat on the doppler. Then we would make the decisions that could get a child, a living child, in our arms.
So, we waited.
And told no one I was pregnant.
Each day was _hard_. I had no way of knowing if things were progressing. I had no way of knowing if that little heart was still thumping away. I knew women, I know women, who have lost babies at every single stage of pregnancy. There was no 'magic' time for me to get through, except birth.
On top of it all? We were rapidly approaching Curtis' first birthday. We didn't want to tell anyone until May had passed. We wanted, and needed, to make May about Curtis.
So, while Curtis' soon-to-be sibling grew inside of me, we prepared to celebrate the end of our first year without him. I don't mean celebrate in a bad way, but we had made it. We had made it a full year. We got through each holiday, each moment together. We grieved Curtis, we loved Curtis and we prepared for the inevitable host of emotions that would come with his birthday.
Craig put together a slide show of two of my favorite songs remembering Curtis. It showed me pregnant at 35 weeks, showed his room I had taken pictures of after we had put the finishing touches on it. It showed his shower cake. (Ironically saying "I'm On My Way")..it showed us with tear stained faces holding his little body. It showed him cuddled with his teddy bear. It showed his feet, being held by our nurse Kim. It showed his funeral. It showed his urn and us at the lake the day we spread his ashes. It showed the first memorial walk we attended with our "Team Curtis" tshirts. And on and on and on....
We packed a lot of celebrating, and grieving, into that year.
Our support group held a little birthday party for Curtis. We did a balloon release, we brought treats, we showed our video. It was a beautiful thing.
Craig and I decided we needed to get away for his birthday. His birthday landed on a Thursday so we took that day and the following Friday off. I researched various resorts and hotels in areas of Minnesota and surrounding states. We settled on the ski area of Lutsen, MN. It wasn't ski season so the prices for condos was cheap. We could get a one bedroom with a jacuzzi, something we could never afford normally.
The days leading up to Curtis' birthday were hard. Being pregnant was taking it's toll enough, dealing with his birthday about sent me over the edge.
Cards started to pour in, a lot of my friends from online communities remembered my little boy and sent us something. A wonderful woman sent us 2 plaques remembering Curtis.
We drove up to Lutsen on Curtis' actual birthday. I was up early, sitting on the couch when Craig woke up. He walked over and the first thing he said? 'Happy Birthday, Curtis."
It was the only time I cried all day.
We stopped at my parent's to drop off the dog, made idle conversation about nothing, and they handed us a card. We stopped at Craig's parents briefly for some reason. They, too, handed us a few cards. We were making polite chit chat and I found myself anxious. I wanted to be alone with Craig. I wanted out of the confines of having to make chit chat with people while my heart felt like it was going to burst.
We then drove to the Angel of Hope statue where Curtis has 3 bricks remembering him. We laid a white flower on his bricks and 2 flowers for friends of mine who had lost their children around the time we lost Curtis.
Then, we made our way to the lake. It wasn't on the direct path to our resort, but we wanted to go to where we spread Curtis' ashes the past summer. It was another beautiful day. We sat on the dock and talked about our little boy, talked about the day we spread his ashes. We took pictures of ourselves in the spot where his ashes had been spread. We set the self timer and took a silly picture of us laying on the dock together.
We were only there for about 30 minutes, but it was enough. We got in the car and started driving to our final destination.
We were actually in the car at 5:31pm, the time Curtis was born. I took a picture of the clock.
We arrived at our resort early in the evening. We were thrilled with what we found. A beautiful view of the mountain area, a private deck, and comfortable amenities. We sat on the couch together and opened the cards people had given us. Craig had written me a card with the sweetest, most heartfelt words. He spoke about how he knew how hard it had been on me, I had carried Curtis and given birth to him...he spoke of how proud he was of our boy and what he may be doing now if he had been born alive. I still read the card on a regular basis.
We spent the first evening enjoying our surroundings. Heading into town to buy a frozen pizza... swimming in the outdoor/indoor pool, watching the TV. Later in the evening, as we decided to start a fire in our fire place, I noticed the mantle above the fireplace had an inscription carved into the wood.
It said 'Rekindle Your Heart".
Friday, May 8, 2009
Mother's Day Part II.
I am feeling less bitter today about it. We will see what happens on Sunday, but today I was at work and something happened.
I work with children with autism. I have for 10 years and I love the field. I love the kids. Many of the kids I work with don't respond well to their parents or families. They give little in the way of 'love' to mom and dad. They are attached to mom and dad, yes, but with their needs the parents often don't get some connection parents of typical children get.
We do a highly individualized therapy and it allows for little time to make flower pots or hand molds. A lot of our kids are older and have our services as opposed to school. A lot of our kids maybe have parents who have been laid off or dads who are not involved or other family situations where mom would possibly be ignored on Sunday. I had completely forgot about Mother's Day until about 3:45, 15 minutes before I was to leave. I wanted to 'give' these moms something from their kids. I instructed all the staff working to hurry up and have each of the kids make the moms a card. A lot of our kids cannot draw or hate to do so, so we helped them out.
I can relate, in a way, to some of these parents. They are grieving, hard core, for the way they thought their life was going to be. They gave birth to this perfect baby....and somehow their life turned into something they weren't expecting. They grieve for the dreams they had for their child, and they grieve for the way they thought their life was going to be.
So, I hope they take a look at those little cards we rushed together, and smile. Knowing that we know how much they love their children and that we are thinking about them.
I guess because I don't enjoy Mother's Day doesn't mean I don't want others to not enjoy it. That probably is 3 years (almost...) of perspective talking.
I am feeling less bitter today about it. We will see what happens on Sunday, but today I was at work and something happened.
I work with children with autism. I have for 10 years and I love the field. I love the kids. Many of the kids I work with don't respond well to their parents or families. They give little in the way of 'love' to mom and dad. They are attached to mom and dad, yes, but with their needs the parents often don't get some connection parents of typical children get.
We do a highly individualized therapy and it allows for little time to make flower pots or hand molds. A lot of our kids are older and have our services as opposed to school. A lot of our kids maybe have parents who have been laid off or dads who are not involved or other family situations where mom would possibly be ignored on Sunday. I had completely forgot about Mother's Day until about 3:45, 15 minutes before I was to leave. I wanted to 'give' these moms something from their kids. I instructed all the staff working to hurry up and have each of the kids make the moms a card. A lot of our kids cannot draw or hate to do so, so we helped them out.
I can relate, in a way, to some of these parents. They are grieving, hard core, for the way they thought their life was going to be. They gave birth to this perfect baby....and somehow their life turned into something they weren't expecting. They grieve for the dreams they had for their child, and they grieve for the way they thought their life was going to be.
So, I hope they take a look at those little cards we rushed together, and smile. Knowing that we know how much they love their children and that we are thinking about them.
I guess because I don't enjoy Mother's Day doesn't mean I don't want others to not enjoy it. That probably is 3 years (almost...) of perspective talking.
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