Monday, September 7, 2009

I don't even know where to begin.

I don't even want to blog (obviously, since I haven't posted since August 21st...) but my anxiety and stress are at an all time high. I admit, I am not handling it well, at all. When we returned from meeting with the research doctor I knew we had a long road in front of us. My anxiety and stress has always been there. Through Claudia's pregnancy it was hard. I admit.

The beginning of this pregnancy was easier. It really was. Then we hit viability and I started getting more anxious again. A lot sleepless nights. Waking and pacing the house until I felt the baby move. Afraid to pull out the doppler in case....well, in case there was no heartbeat to be found.

After coming back home from our trip where we learned this guy had a cord issue, I had to go to the hospital one night. It wasn't so much for the baby, it was for me. My heart was racing, I was blood pressure was up. We went to a local hospital, close by, not one where my OB is. I actually knew the baby was fine, I just was worried about myself. What was going on? The monitored the heck out of the baby, gave us ultrasounds, and basically sent me home. I was pretty upset as I know they chalked it up to anxiety barely running any tests on me and figured it would calm me down to run tests on the baby. Yeah, not really. I did have a few tests run (after hours of being there) and they thoughts things were fine, but my OB didn't like the results of my thyroid levels and put me on a low dose of meds. An out of whack thyroid can cause light headed stuff/heart racing stuff.

I don't know what to think anymore. I have no idea what is "in my head" and what is real. I have had times where I feel my heart race increase again. I haven't felt like myself. I have a hard time being the only one in charge of Claudia because I am so afraid of having some type of panic set it. Saturday Craig was taking a nap and I got Claudia up from her nap and as she was eating a snack I started to feel very panicky. I paced around the house, breathing quickly through my mouth, trying to calm myself down. .

Actually, it was kind of funny because Claudia started to imitate my breathing from her chair.

It lasted on and off that evening. I don't even know if my heart was racing much, but I just had this overall unsettled feeling. During these times I am constantly jumping up and pacing.

During the times it isn't happening, I am wondering when it is going to happen again. I am quickly seeing why people become agoraphobic and refuse to leave their house. I am not keen on leaving the comfort of my house right now. Claudia is still attending daycare and when I pick her up at 4:30 each day, I stress until Craig comes home. Just in case it happens again. On Wednesdays we don't have daycare...she has been going to my mom's because I am afraid of being alone with her.

Do you know how bad that sucks? I am her mom and I am afraid to be alone with her. I cried today as her and Craig went to the mall playland without me. I was tired and napping and she needed to go run....but, I knew I couldn't handle being out. Not now.

Monitoring this guy has been stressful, we have had some ups and downs with it....that isn't helping my anxiety. Looking back, Claudia's monitoring each night was a dream! (Didn't feel like it at the time, but she was.) She was the perfect baby on the monitors and this guy has decided to give us all a lot more headaches. We have been close to being sent in to the hospital a few times now.

So.... that is where I am at. I keep telling myself I will take all the anxiety in the world to avoid the grief later. And, I am hoping this is just it..I am hoping it is anxiety manifesting itself into physical symptoms. It never happened in Claudia's pregnancy or any other area of my life. I have ALWAYS been an anxious person. Always. Always the worrier. But it has never set in where I am physically pacing the house, racing heart rate, trying to talk myself "down". So, I am hoping to goes away when this guy comes. Hopefully in a bit over 5 weeks.

Please, let that be it. Because if this continues after this baby is born...I don't know anymore. I will not take anti anxiety meds while pregnant, no way, no how. After I will would try them though if this continues.


Mackenzie's Mommy said...

I'm sorry you are having so much anxiety right now. Maybe it's just because you're getting closer to meeting this little guy? Do you think because it's a boy it makes a difference? In any case, I hope it gets better. Preferably now, but definitely after your baby arrives.

Hope's Mama said...

Thinking of you and riding the waves of fear with you. This pregnancy after loss gig is hard - hats off to you for doing it a second time. I'm exhausted and I think we both deserve a stiff drink or eight!

Lynda said...

Saying a prayer for you tonight <3

Beth said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I can imagine that I'll be the same way when it's my time. I hope you find the strength to continue to blog with Claudia's story.. I wanna hear about the monitoring.. with her and with the new baby!

Thinking of you..

queenmari said...

i haven't commented in a bit, but i want you to know i am keeping you in my prayers. 5 more week. praying.


Michelle said...

I'm so sorry. You must be so scared.

When I hit that level of anxiety (as a mild agoraphobic and when my mom was dying), the only thing I could do was just accept it (so it didn't snowball - i.e. anxiety about the anxiety) and just tell myself that it will pass (not all anxiety, but this major episode), and that hopefully someday the cloud will lift (i didn't actually believe myself, but i had to make it a mantra anyways and just have faith). It did. Like you, I've always had anxiety, but when my mom was dying, it felt exactly like you described it. I actually thought i was going to die from it and was petrified of being alone with the kids. I also felt like i couldn't trust my own mind anymore and like i was emotionally blinded.

You gotta hang in there, you know that, you have no choice. This is going to get worse before it gets better as C3's due date approaches so hang on to yourself, be gentle with yourself, lean on us and we'll always hold your hand through it. When he's here and screaming (and he WILL be), then we can deal with the "day to day" anxiety. We love you Chan!

Cara said...

The fear of the past repeating is so strong with pg after loss, but to KNOW that he has a cord issue will of course make your anxiety go up.

Thinking of you...hang in.