Thursday, November 9, 2006

Time is lost on me.

I have a good friend who announced her pregnancy to me recently. She told me privately because she knew the due date would be tough on me. It is my son's due date. Now, I know I got pregnant in September. It makes sense people are expecting babies a year after I had mine. But I swear I keep thinking "there is no way that is possible. It is only early summer". When I think of the impending holidays, just a few weeks away I think "no, Christmas is far away. It is only early summer".

I seem to be stuck in May. I am stuck. I am stuck on the day. The day he was born into our arms for 4 hours. Even though I know time is marching on, a fact I am actually grateful for, it is hard to wrap my mind around this time. It hard to imagine that I don't have a baby, I won't have a baby. When his first birthday rolls around.... my life will be the same. I won't have a baby. I don't have a baby.

The fact that I want nothing to do with any holidays this year also compounds the fact that I am stuck in May. People talk about death and how it is such a defining moment. Life before he died, life after he died.

I am stuck right in the middle. I wonder when I will move to the after part? Because I do not feel like I have any sort of life after he died. At least not a life worth having.