Sunday, April 26, 2009

I am here.

I seem to posting more "I am here" posts and "I will catch up soon" posts than actual posts lately.


There are a few reasons for that. We have been sick AGAIN. My husband has been working like crazy and I am getting little time to sit and have free time where I can drum up all of the emotions it take to post 'our story' posts. And really, any of my posts. I was out of town for awhile for a friend's wedding. I participated in our infant loss conference this weekend and those emotions are swimming all over right now. (Another post for another time. It is a good one ;) )

Finally, in a month we will be celebrating our baby boy's 3rd birthday. Three. Frickin'. Years.

I know I have said this before, but I used to beg time to speed up, I knew it would be better 'in the future'. And it is. And it isn't. I am just more used to it now, which isn't a bad thing and does help. Claudia's pregnancy was probably the longest stretch of time in my life. I used to bed time to speed up then and here she is....17 months....and I am sitting here wondering what has happened to time?

I wish I was a blogger who posted every day like many of my favorite bloggers do. But, with the nature of this blog, I don't always have the emotions to post like I would need to be a daily blogger. this blog is truly about stillbirth and pregnancy after stillbirth and sometimes my day to day mundane life (that I love) hasn't much to do with it. I hope my few readers continue to read, despite my sporadic posts. But I understand those of you who have lost interest.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Well, something happened this weekend and I don't know what to make of it.

I am one of those parents that do all the Easter Bunny and Santa kind of things. I love it. This weekend, we wanted to take Claudia to the Easter Bunny and get a picture taken. I was _fully_ prepared for her to scream bloody murder. She is 16 months old. Face it, it is a giant rabbit with bow tie. That can be kind of freaky to kids! But, I am also the type of mom who would think a crying picture of her with a giant rabbit would be kind of funny too. To keep, to look back on one day and laugh. (No, I don't want to make her miserable or anything.)

So, off we went. We got her picture taken. She did great, by the way. LOVED the bunny. Smiled at him, patted at him, willingly sat in his lap and we got some cute pictures of her smiling.

I was pretty thrilled. We got a cute picture of her with Santa this past Christmas and now a cute picture of her with the bunny. Fun!

Later that night, it hit me.

2 years ago, it was the 1st Easter since we lost Curtis. It was right before I found out I was pregnant with Claudia. I was walking in the mall and caught sight of that stupid rabbit. It hit me like a ton of bricks I didn't have my 10 month old with me to get those silly pictures. I never would have him with me. I broke down and we had to leave the mall right away. I had successfully avoided the mall at Christmas time to avoid seeing the Santa and Christmas stuff. But holidays kept coming, and Easter was another rude awakening.

Then, at the end of 2007 and all of 2008, whenever we would do a "first" with Claudia, I thought about Curtis. How we never got to do that event with him. We never got to take him to see the bunny. Never got to go to the zoo. Never got a Halloween costume for him. No baptism. No July 4th picnic. No swimming. On and on...whatever her first, it would remind me he never had one.

So, this year when we took her to the bunny. The fact that Curtis should be there never even crossed my mind. I was excited to take her to see the bunny, then she did so well, so I emailed that picture out so quick and uploaded it to facebook to show the world.

Later, over dinner with Craig, tears filled my eyes. He asked what was wrong.

"I think this is the first event I have taken her too where I didn't immediately think 'Curtis should have gotten to do this'. That fact never even crossed my mind until now. "

Is this how it is going to be now? That I will find the ultimate happiness in that exact moment and remember later? Is that good? Because it doesn't feel good.

I gotta tell you, the guilt I felt all night last night was not easy to stomach. I should have an almost 3 year old go running and screaming from that giant rabbit. And it didn't even hit me until later.

I don't even know how to process it.