Born Still but Still Born

Just checking in really quick, whoa. This pregnancy is kicking my butt. So far, baby boy is hanging in okay, monitoring is going okay...we have had some ups and downs but HE seems to be doing well in this moment. It is very much on a day to day basis and can, and probably will, change at the drop of a hat.

Me? Not so much. I am being monitored pretty heavily for pre-eclampsia (I had it with Claudia, but after she was born which was scary enough.) I have had a general unwell feeling for weeks, anxiety attacks, racing heart, whatever. I was on a heart monitor for awhile.

It has been bad. I can't really take care of Claudia on my own. I pretty much just lay low each day, hoping it passes so we can get to mid October and hopefully have a screaming baby in our arms. It is really hard not to feel physically good because in both of my previous pregnancies (Curtis and Claudia) I have physically felt really well.

Weighing on my mind these last few weeks has been preschool. I have a lot of friends with 3 year olds who all started preschool in the last few weeks. Would Curtis have started preschool? Would he have been ready? A simple 2 or 3 day a week program? Would he be potty trained? What would it have been like to drop him off on his first days?

I see pictures. Grinning kids, too big smiles, backpacks the same size as them. What kind of backpack would he have picked? Would he cry when we dropped him off or would he have ran straight ahead without a glance back?

It is hard to picture him as a 3 year old. He is so much my tiny baby still, the tiny baby I was so afraid to hold and move. The tiny baby who I only saw his face.... my tiny baby who should at least have had the option of going to preschool this year.