Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Our Story: Part 27

After hearing the h/b (left off after hearing the heartbeat around 12 weeks in my pregnancy after losing Curtis and my miscarriage).

So, Craig wanted to tell people. I did too, sorta. I mean...telling people meant questions. Telling people meant causing THEM worry. Telling people meant it being OUT THERE.

There was also the issue with the doctor. I never wanted to see my old OB, the one I had with Curtis, again. While I don't blame him for what happened to Curtis, I do blame him for the cruddy way he handled the loss, the way he handled my miscarriage, and the way he handled my new pregnancy. (Saying "We will do nothing different this time" did not sit well. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result?)

Thanks to the conference, I had learned there were a few doctors out there open to the emerging research about cord issues repeating. I was given the names of two. One, I was told, would be there. She wouldn't just pretend to believe me, she would be me. She was amazing. I was told to go to her, despite the fact it would be close to a 2 hour drive to see her each time. The other doctor, I was told, was just as good. But a little bit more unreachable. A little bit more clinical. She would work with us, but I got the feeling she was more humoring her patients. She was much closer in location.

I did not want to be humored. Craig wanted the doctor who was closer. Who cared if she humored us as long as we got answers? I didn't want someone to pat me on the head, roll her eyes, and order me the tests. I wanted someone who believe me. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to have to dig in my heels and insist.

I just wanted it to happen. Craig agreed to meet with the far away doctor, because it is what I wanted. I guess, in a way, he was humoring me. I emailed this doctor and we set up an appointment for 14 weeks. Just 2 weeks away.

In the mean time, my mom's birthday approached. She ended up being alone the weekend of her birthday due to some crazy circumstances that my dad had gotten himself roped into. Craig and I offered to take her out to dinner. My grandparents decided to come along, then asked if she could change the time of her birthday dinner so they could scoot off to another party.

My poor mom. First my dad has to leave on her birthday, then her birthday dinner time gets moved...she was feeling pretty bummed.

I informed Craig we should tell. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready. But I figured she would love the surprise and the first of getting to "know". I bought a birthday card for her that said "To Grandma". I signed it "Love, Curtis and Baby #2 due in December."

We arrived at my parent's house and were lingering around, waiting to leave for dinner.

"Open your cards!" I insisted. I thrust the grandma on in her hands.

My stomach was in knots. My heart was racing.

She opened it and stared.

And stared.

She was squinting at it.

She didn't have her glasses on. She was trying to figure out what it said.

'What is it I am reading?" She asked.

Sigh. Typical. Big huge news and she couldn't read it.

"Happy Birthday. Love, Curtis and Baby #2 Due in ...."

She let out a scream like I have NEVER heard before. It wasn't really an excited scream. It wasn't terrified. It was just a SCREAM. She dropped the card, buried her head in her hands and started to sob. Hysterical sobs.

I looked at Craig. He looked at me. "Hug her." He mouthed to me.

I shook my head no. I had no idea what this reaction was. Was it good? Was it bad? What was it?

After a few moments she flung her arms around us. "I thought that is what it said! But I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you signed the dog's name to it! I didn't want to assume."

I was overwhelmed at her excitement. I thought the news would be met with more reservations. Excitement, but cautious. Not this unbridled all out happiness.

We went to dinner and shared the news with my grandparents. Later that afternoon, while my dad was on his way home, my mom called him and made me tell him the news over the phone. He later told me it was hard to stay on the road when he had tears in his eyes.

We left my parent's house and Craig was practically bouncing out of his seat. "Can we go to my family now?"

I couldn't deny him this. We had told my family, there was a good reaction....but i felt that headache setting in. That overwhelming feeling. The "what have we done" emotions rolling in.

We live a good 50 minutes away from my inlaws. We usually just don't 'show up' out of the blue. However, they didn't seem phased that we were on their step at 8pm on a Sunday night. My mother in law starts telling us a crazy story that happened earlier in the day to her and my father in law. It was a pretty funny story but it kept going and going. She was totally oblivious we had news to share. The longer the story went, the more my throat felt like it was closing.

Craig finally had enough. When his mom stopped to take a breath, he jumped in and said "Well, do you want some more news?"

My father in law put down his glass of brandy, very serious, and said "Yes." quite loudly.

"The due date is in December."

The response was overwhelming. A lot of hugs, happy tears, and more hugs. Lots of questions. His mom saying 'Why did you let me talk for so long? Geesh! I just kept talking and talking!" We walked across the street to where my brother in law and sister in law live and told them the news.

Everyone was SO happy.

We left our inlaws and Craig called another one of his brothers and told them the news. Lots of celebrating on their end.

After he hung up the phone, I burst into tears. It was all much. I wasn't expecting it all. I was expecting them to be excited, yes, but I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of emotion. I was expecting them to be cautious or worried (which I am sure they were...) but they were so happy. In that moment, they were happy.

As we drove on the car, I continued to cry. The headache came on full force. Now they were all involved. Now it meant this was real. We were traveling down this road together. Now if something sad happened again, it meant bringing them down with us. But they needed to know. They deserved to know. We needed the support. They had been wonderful in supporting and remembering Curtis with us. But it was hard. Just so hard. I didn't want them disappointed again.


Hope's Mama said...

I get that. I feel like I will let everyone down if this new baby of mine dies. There is just so much riding on his safe arrival. We told our immediate families, and a few very close friends the day we found out about this baby - eg right on four weeks along. And I too found the excitement overwhelming, as this kid was nothing more than two pink lines on a stick at that stage. It was a bit suffocating, truth be told. But then, I probably would have been disappointed if they weren't excited. We just knew we needed support, and needed it early. We told more people at 12 weeks, and still haven't told some people. I'm now 22 weeks. There just isn't the same level of excitement this time, nor do I feel the need to share the news with every single person I meet (although I am blogging about it to the whole wide world, go figure) but this time is more about holding our collective breaths until some time in November.
Hoping all is well with you and this new baby boy of yours.

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

Reading this just made me so excited for you! I guess it's because the story of how you lost Curtis is soo much like my story (which I haven't gotten around to writing it down yet). I'm so happy that you got such a good response when you told both of your families! I can't wait until I can bring that kind of joy back into our families lives.


Rachel said...

I have tears in my eyes reading this part of your story!

I didn't realize you'd had a miscarriage too. Was it after you lost Curtis? I think there's a trend to having a miscarriage after a stillbirth. Has Dr. Collins ever talked about it?

Kristi said...

While I can understand the tension you must have felt, it was surely a huge weight off your shoulders in the following days... wasn't it? If it wasn't I'm curious to hear why you think.

I love your blog... I love that you just throw it out there. Cuz it's real!

My Very Own Angel said...

your story brought tears to my eyes. I think you are so strong, I understand the term loss and I have only suffered once, you understand the term losses. My heart goes out to you.

Patrick and Jenni said...

I ran across your blog a few days ago, and have since read the entire thing... I too lost a son. I just wanted to say thank you for putting all of this out there. I have many similar feelings and thoughts, I just don't have the talents in expressing them as hyou do. Curtis may not be with you, but you have proved to be a wonderful mother to him. I wish you a healthy full term pregnancy with your next child.