Monday, October 26, 2009

When I was in the hospital, I started thinking about a woman I met on a message board. We both lost our first children, boys, to stillbirth. We both had miscarriages. We both then had out daughters around the same time. We would email on occasion and I lost track of her. I sent her an email while in the hospital, just saying hi. Checking in. I didn't say anything about my pregnancy, just wanted to touch base with her at that point. She hadn't posted on our message board in forever, and hadn't posted on her blog in months.

I didn't hear back, no biggie. It had been well over 6 months since we last emailed. Maybe I had her email wrong.

Soon after coming home with Cole, I found her blog again one late night during a 3am feeding.

She had posted again. It had been months since she posted...and her news was not good. She was 20 weeks pregnant, with her second son.

And he died.

Right at the time I was giving birth to Cole, she was having to make decisions and choices and going through the loss of her second son.

She is living my worst nightmare. I haven't been able to get her off of my mind. She hasn't returned to her blog and given the vast internet and the fact I don't know her that well, I doubt we will ever talk again. But my heart aches. This is a stillbirth mom's worst fear. All those people who say it can't happen again. Wrong. Those doctors who say it is a fluke. Wrong. It can and does happen again. Her losses were at different gestations, one at 34 weeks, one at 20 weeks. But does it really matter?

She is done having kids. She has one living child when she wanted a houseful. She threw caution to the wind over and over to have her children and was hit in the face. Again. Having a living child inside of you and having it die inside of you. Again.

I am just...at a loss. It is easy for me to say, because I am sitting here with my living son when I know she is going through hell, again. But I do ache for her. I ache for her family and the nightmare she living. Once is more than enough. Why twice? I just will never understand.

4 comments:

Beth said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know she is devastated.. she is living all our worst fears after losing a child: losing another one. Prayers with her family. And prayers for you, as you adjust to having only 2 of your little blessings at home.

Rich said...

I am at a loss of words. I will only say I cried while reading your post. You know our story - I can only imagine the emptiness she is experiencing.

Brie said...

I don't know you but I can tell you have a big heart and feel the hurt of your blogosphere friend. I am tearful just reading your post, because I am a mother of a stillborn and a miscarriage and am trying again...despite the ugly reality that it may happen again.

I hope that you do reconnect with her, and that you can share with her your thoughts...and that she is okay.

Hugs to you!

Debra said...

I have lost two full term babies. It is incredibly devastating. There is so much hope mixed with fear when we got pregnant, we never dreamed something bad would happen again, but sometimes it does.