Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I actually want to take today's post and comment on some things/answer some questions that have come from my comments and email. You know, "ask me" kind of things. Except I have about 15 readers so that isn't many!

1) It wasn't my intention to add some big "SURPRISE" to my post about Curtis' birthday...I actually just wanted to explain about the 4th flower on his bricks. I try really hard to make his birthday about him and feel bad it came across that way.

2) Someone asked me if I thought his birthday hit harder this year because I am pregnant again and because of the age Claudia is.... I honestly don't think so. I was pregnant on his 1st birthday and I swear his birthday was ten times worse this year. I just think it is one of those things. You never know WHY it is bad. My theory was it wasn't bad last year because I was so wrapped up in Claudia. That could be true. It may not be since we are still pretty wrapped up in her! It could just be like anything....we have no idea which day will be horrible and which day won't. The things we don't think will be hard, will. And the thing I think will be easy, aren't. That is grief for ya. A big cluster mess of nonsense. ;)

3) Writing about Claudia's pregnancy has been slow going. It is HARD. Because the pregnancy was so darn awful. It pains me because Curtis' pregnancy was so darn EASY. So, that is why those posts have been slow to come. I so badly want to skim over all the bad stuff and get to the "YAY, she is here" post. But I can't. Because that isn't a true reflection of pregnancy after loss. So, that is why I have been struggling to post anything. I look back to where I left off and know the worst is to come. And, with my current pregnancy I am reaching the same point where things went south in Claudia's pregnancy (20 weeks) and well, let's face it, I am worried about those repeat issues.

4) Someone asked me recently if I get mad when someone compares my stillbirth to their miscarriage. They were grieving their 42 week stillborn baby girl and their sister compared her loss to her 6 week miscarriage. Now, I have had both. A miscarriage and a stillbirth. Yes, I get mad when people compare. Because you can't compare the two. They are different things. Much different. And each person's loss is probably the worse thing they have had happen to them. For me, losing Curtis was the single worst thing that has ever happened in the history of my life. My miscarriage wasn't. So, it does upset me because I feel the losses are different and are not comparable. A dear, wonderful friend of mine was trying to relate to me after I lost Curtis. She compared her break up with significant other of 9 years to the death of Curtis. Her break up was the worst thing that had happened to her. But...but.... can you imagine how that made me feel? She broke up with a jerk of a guy who deserved to be kicked to the curb and my son died inside of me and I had to endure 9 months of pregnancy and 5 hours of labor only to spend 4 hours with him. She was trying to be kind, she was trying to relate. But our losses are our own. I try to remember that when someone compares. I really do. I may not say anything to them in that moment. But I will probably vent to Craig or blog about it. Not because my loss is 'superior' to theirs, but because my loss is MY LOSS. No one else will understand my loss like I do. I own it, it is mine. I also try not to compare my loss to others...but sometimes I do. I try to make sure I keep my mouth shut. Because I know how much it hurts when others compare out loud!

5) ...and I have to end here for the night. I have a few more things I want to address, but some sleep is much needed. If anyone has any questions or whatever, please feel free.


Choofy Mama said...

lurker :) but i just wanted to say congrats. our 2nd daughter was stillborn @ 41w in 2007. We just welcomed our rainbow baby in March, and what a journey it was. i was just nodding my head so hard at the part about what we think will bother us doesn't and what we don't expect kicks our a$$. SO true.

best of luck to you, I hope that a 2nd post loss pregnancy is at least a tiny bit easier than a first post loss one. <3


Anonymous said...

I love the explanation of loss. You said that perfectly.

Hope's Mama said...

I can only imagine how hard her pregnancy got. I am just 15 weeks and 2 days in, and it feels like pure torture. I am loving being pregnant and loving this tiny baby like crazy (and my new best friend the doppler) but I am so damn terrified. I know exactly what I stand to lose now. The very thought of it paralyses me. And I get pissed, as my first pregnancy was just like yours - such a joyful breeze. We lost so much more than our babies. Take your time with those posts though. No hurry, and I aint going anywhere. Thanks for being so honest, and if I think of any other questions, I'll shoot you an email.
Take care His Mom.

ABCDE=Party of 5 for ME! said...

Well said sweetie, exspecially number 4.... I try not to compare my miscarriages (because as much as they hurt... I dont see where they can possibly compare to loosing a child at 40 weeks... or lossing a child at 16 months)! You have such a great way of looking at it, although i'm sure at the time its hard!

congrats on your new pregnancy, and just so you know.... I had the pregnancy after loss as well.... and that was after a pregnancy with an abruption at 14 weeks and bleeding till 20.... (so the bleeding pregnancy, the miscarriage, my pregnancy after loss). It was hard, all the anticipation of things to go wrong... but time flies and every pregnancy IS different! D's pregnancy was no where near as traumatic with the fears, and this one..... well sometimes I have to remind myself (at almost 16 weeks) that we really are preggers! (Not trying to compare, just trying to reassure you....) Enjoy the pregnancy (I feel i was robbed out of C's pregnancy because I was so scared and emotional)!


Sarah said...

I have to tell you that this year was hard for us as well and I find it interesting to see that you feel almost the same way that we do. Rich says that it could be that the past 2 years have been crazy with caring for 3 little ones and now that we have been able to come up for air - we have more time to think.

A dear friend of mine had 3 miscarriages (after having 3 children with no problem.) We were talking about it one day and how hard it is and she said, "But it is nothing compared to what you went through." She understood and I was grateful for that.

HanamiMama said...

I have also had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and a stillbirth of my first child at 41 weeks. For me, there is no comparison. After Nicolas died, I would go into a rage when someone said to me, "I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks." Oh, really? You know how I feel? Did you go through 23 hours of labor to birth your miscarried baby? Did you have to go home from the hospital with an empty car seat in your back seat? To a waiting and empty nursery? Did you have to tell the waiter at your favorite restaurant, the bagger at the grocery store, the clerk at the post office that yes you had your baby but he's dead? Did your milk come rushing in painfully for months with no baby to feed? Did you have to bury your child?

Three years later, and now I understand what you are saying about people trying to empathize with you by talking about their worst pain/loss. My sister often tried to relate to me with Nicolas by talking about how she "lost" her two children when her husband left her for another woman. It used to make me angry because, yes, you lost your traditional family and can't see your children every day now because of divorce, but they are still alive. She would always couch it by saying it's not the same as losing your children to death and that it was simply the worst thing she has ever experienced. I understand now when people try to relate to my pain by describing the worst thing they have gone through. I believe they are truly trying to help, not belittle my loss. It took me a while to get to this point, though!

Anonymous said...

We once had someone compare our fullterm stillborn daughter loss to their dog dying (of old age) on them in the middle of exams. Arrgh!