Born Still but Still Born

Our Story: Finding Joy Part 22

So, after the miscarriage we had to take about a two month "time off" from trying again. My blood levels were dropping slowly, we were given clomid again and would be allowed to try in March. I had looked at dates briefly and realized if I did get pregnant then, I would most likely not be due in 2007. I was ticked off.

At the memorial walk that past September, I was convinced I would have a baby OR be VERY pregnant at the next walk. I didn't want to go through another holiday season without a baby.

Then I recalculated. If things went *just right* I would be due the end of 2007.

Talk about pressure on myself. Having something happening "next year" seemed like it was so far away. Even just a few days into the next year. Having it happen "this year" seemed doable. I know it is all the same dating wise and what you have to wait through....but to me I wanted it as soon as possible. And this year versus next year made a difference.

So, mid March came and I started on clomid again. I did all of my trying to conceive things, charted, took my vitamins, and ovulation predictor kits. It all went perfectly.

4 days before my period was due (9 days past ovulation) I got an early positive on a pregnancy test.

It was Easter Sunday. April 8th.

Craig and I were coming off a pretty nasty fight. It was a doozy.

We just got through my side of the family's annual baseball home opener game that we always go to as a big family. Something I had dreamed about bringing Curtis to since I found out I was pregnant with him. His 1st Twins Home Opener! It was a hard night.

We were just a few short weeks away from his first birthday.

So, needless to say it was an emotional time without that positive pregnancy test. When I got the positive test, I kept the information quiet for a few hours. Do I tell Craig? Should I do something cute? Should I even tell him and get his hopes up? Maybe I wait a few weeks, get a doctor's confirmation and tell him? I don't want to hurt him again....

We were getting ready to go see my side of the family for Easter. Last Easter, my mom had given me an Easter basket for the baby. It looked like a dump truck. Filled with outlet covers, pacifiers, a baby toy, and chocolate (for mom). This year, I had put that Easter basket on Curtis' shelf.

What do I do with this info? It is SO early, but this time it made sense. I had ovulated, it was an early test, but not out of the norm that it was positive.

Craig and I were still a bit iffy with each other, not fully over our fight.

He was upstairs and I finally said "Well...there is something I have to tell you."

So much for waiting for a few weeks. I didn't even make it 3 hours.

He came down the stairs and looked at me. "Well, it is one of two things."

"What do you think it is?"

"You're pregnant."

He held up his hand for a high five.

Just like he did when we found out about Curtis.

I grinned.

I started to panic.

With the miscarriage it never made sense. This pregnancy, well, it made sense. It was starting off normal. I repeated this to myself. 100 times.

"We can't tell anyone. For, like, a really long time. I can't handle it."

"That's fine."

"And, it is so early, it could be a fluke..."

"Okay."

I did tell one person. My friend Annie. She was one of our first phone calls the day I lost Curtis and she has been so much of a cheerleader, even a silent one, of my life. She had emailed me, knowing I would probably test that day. I told her, cautiously, of my news. She was cautiously excited. She was also the person I turned to the day I got the positive pregnancy test for my miscarriage.

So, we went to Easter dinner that day. With a secret.

I remember that day so clearly. I remember laughing, REALLY laughing for the first time in ages. It was over black jelly beans and people arguing if they were good or not. (For the record: they are good.) I remember feeling excited. I remember having this little secret inside. And feeling so much joy. Much later, when my mom found out I was pregnant and WHEN I knew. She said "You know, that day, I sensed a difference in you. I even said to you dad I thought maybe you were pregnant again."

Deep down, I knew panic would set it. I knew it was coming. It was going to be a long 9 months. But today was the day I got 2 pink lines. Today was the day that could change my life. Again. Today was the day that it became possible for us to bring a living child home. I knew that road was going to be long (and trust me. It was really frickin' long). But just that day, in a few hours with my family, happiness was there. Excitement was there. I let myself take that day and dream.

I came home, I took another test (still positive) and figured out my due date.

December 21st, 2007.

A 2007 baby. This year. I could end the year with a baby in my arms.