Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I was watching a new episode of Scrubs this week. It was on death/dying and the fear surrounding it. I was sobbing by the end of it.

I have such a fear of death since our daughter was born. I have known way to many people touched by unexpected and sudden deaths this year. I have heard too many horrible stories about people dying way too young, leaving their children behind.

I have a lot of anxiety about leaving Claudia behind. Almost to the point where there is probably something wrong with me because I have _that_ much anxiety about it. My fear about death isn't that I don't think she will be okay, but because I do not want to miss out on her growing up. I want to see the person she will turn into. I want her to have memories of her mom. My reasons are selfish, but I want to enjoy the child I worked so hard to give life to. I want those years with her and Craig. I want those years of us as a family.

One thing that on the episode was everyone admitted they were afraid of death, but one character mentioned that he just hoped his last thought was a happy one. That was an amazing statement. So simple, no big wrap up on life, but just that his last thought was a happy one.

Like I mentioned, my faith is shaky, at best....but striving to make my thoughts happy .... even while thinking about the little boy who so briefly entered my world could make all the difference in reducing some of the mind numbing anxiety I have had lately.


Hope's Mama said...

I'm not afraid of death like I used to be, but then I think that's because I don't have any more kids yet. Ask me again in 1-2 years when HOPEFULLY there is one here with me and I might be thinking like you. Right now, the thougth of death brings me small amounts of comfort. For if there is an afterlife, I get to see her again. I really need to hurry up and have another baby!

gitz said...

I wish there was an easy answer to making your anxiety go away; but one thing I did when I was having trouble was to keep a gratitude diary... I'd list five things I was grateful for that day, and I couldn't say the same things each day. On hard days it was a stretch... but the way to start focusing on the good instead of the anxiety is to take little steps to consciously change your thinking. I don't know if it will help, but it might be worth a try.

Saying extra prayers for you tonight...

Kristi said...

I know what you mean, but my fear of death isn't my own. I have and always HAVE had a fear that people in my family will die and I'll be left all alone. In fact, I'd walk home from friends' houses in the middle of the night because of that fear. My parents learned to never assume that if I spent the night somewhere that I'd actually stay.