Monday, January 5, 2009

Well.

Today has been a horrid, no good, awful day.

Everything that could go wrong did. Work is a gigantic mess right now. It won't calm down until next month. I am talking total and utter chaos.

We had some freezing rain a few days ago. The roads are _still_ ice covered. They have't bothered to sand/salt or anything. We were bumper to bumper. It wasn't snowing or anything, just left over ice from days ago. I almost skidded off the road, granted I was only going 5 MPH, but still. This morning my normal 23 minute commute took over 70 minutes to go 18 miles! I got to work 30 minutes late. So, if you can do the math, I even left early to account for some traffic and some ice.

I have had a headache all day.

I am dieting, started a few weeks ago and not seeing ANY rewards for my work. I have lost weight before, I know the first few weeks are the "easy" weeks and you tend to lose bigger numbers right away. Not me. Despite exercising, and eating healthy.

Baby girl has been crabby. She has had a rough time at daycare which I always feel bad about, bad for her caretaker, bad for her. Bad for myself.

Days like this, you think I could brush off. You think I would say "well, don't let this stuff get to you because it isn't the worst thing that has ever happened." Icy roads happen. Work stress happens. Kids get crabby. It happens.

However...lately, for days like this, it just makes me ache that much more for Curtis. Days like this make me long for him, make me think that maybe if he was here life wouldn't seem so damn unfair. That I could manage the stupid little stuff better if I hadn't had to deal with the HUGE stuff too.

It is hard to feel like there is no justice. I had to deal with my kid dying! Why should I have to deal with icy roads? Why should I have to work so hard to lose one pound?

On bad days, it just adds to my underlying sadness. On some level, I am always sad. So, a bad day just multiplies that sadness. I sat down to journal about my bad day elsewhere and I ended it with "I miss my son."

That is what each bad, no good, awful day boils down to at it's base. Missing him.

Missing him so much that thse other tiny things finally overwhelm me until I crawl into bed and let the tears that have been threatening all day release.

5 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I think I understand - I say that it's like my flex is gone. So much is consumed in Gabe's death that there isn't anything left to handle the day to day crap in life.

And it's not always true, but sometimes. . . .

Hope's Mama said...

No advice or words today. Only that I'm thinking of you. And fuck. Sometimes you can only swear on days like these.

Cara said...

Yup - I have those days. And - after all the insult to domestic injury I add a healthy dose of guilt to make up for the fact that I yelled at a living child or cursed mother nature.

Fun - our existance..isn't it?

Kris said...

Wow! I read all of this for the first time today. It's been 4 years since I lost Francie and I thought I was nuts until now. All og your feelings are mine. I just found out that both of my younger sisters in law are pregnant. One whose husband had a vasectomy that reversed itself....WTF

Kris said...

Wow! I read all of this for the first time today. It's been 4 years since I lost Francie and I thought I was nuts until now. All og your feelings are mine. I just found out that both of my younger sisters in law are pregnant. One whose husband had a vasectomy that reversed itself....WTF