Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Wow.

I had no idea the drama my blog would cause!

I am always wanting to share Curtis with as many people as possible. Through this blog, through a memorial website...just mentioning him.

So, I posted a link to this blog on facebook last night. I have a lot of friends on there who know this blog already, so it was nothing new for them. But for a few select others, it was a brand new thing.

Now, the weird thing about facebook is there is a stack of people on there that don't know me that well. Maybe they knew me at one time. Maybe they are coworkers who didn't know me when I was pregnant with him or, heck, family members whom I love but we don't talk on a regular basis...They don't know the ins and outs of my life. So they take this blog, which deals with one specific topic and make wide sweeping generalizations of my life.

I was accused of hating people for "moving on" with their lives. I was accused of being lonely. I was accused of driving people away. That I should be more forgiving of others.

All from someone who hasn't spoken to me, I mean really spoke to me, in over 10 years.

I responded like you would expect anyone to respond in this situation. Not well. They take one topic of my life and but me in this "angry all the time" box.

The thing with grief....the thing I am trying to educate people on is grief is not easy. Grief doesn't wrap up in a pretty bow after one year of losing someone you love. This blog is my grief. It isn't always pretty. Often it contradicts itself.

So this blog, it is about Curtis. One aspect of my life. Do I blog about how Claudia and I went to Target today and I was pushing the cart down the aisle and saying "wheeeeee" and running behind it to make her laugh? Looking like an absolute fool, but now caring because I was laughing at her expression?

No.

Do I blog about how Craig and I played Wii Monopoly the other night and I was laughing so hard that diet pepsi came out of my nose?

No.

Because this blog is Born Still but Still Born. It is the place I go to talk about Curtis. Talk about my moments of anger and my days of sadness. It is the place I go when a TV show makes me cry. Or where I go to talk about his toes. He had my toes. And Craig's nose. Good lord. All the kids born on Craig's side have that nose.

This blog is one, just ONE, aspect of my life. It is a HUGE aspect, don't get me wrong. But you cannot make wide, sweeping, generalizations about me based on what you read here.

What kills me, is this person admitted to not even reading all the entries. Just the first few. So she hadn't bothered to read what it felt like the day I gave birth to him. Or the day we spread his ashes. Or the day we had his first memorial walk. To me, those entries...though sad, are filled with amazing amounts of hope.

I haven't driven anyone away. There are people I probably have lost or relationships that have forever changed in the wake of losing Curtis...but the friendships I have made BECAUSE of Curtis, or the friendships strengthened because of him...those replace the few I have lost, ten fold. I am okay with that. Because those are the true friends. Those are the friends who know I am different. There is a level of sadness that wasn't there before. But there is also a level of absolute joy that was never there before.

If anything, I think I have MORE friends now. I have friends who understand, who have been through it. I have friends who have never been through it but love hearing about Curtis. Who remember him with me AND celebrate my daughter's life.

So, if you happen to stumble upon here and maybe knew me in a former life or know me now, this is one aspect of who I am. Sometimes angry. Sometimes sad. Sometimes happy.

But always always always remembering I am richer, by far, to have held him a moment than to have never held him at all.

8 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I think you've hit the nail on the head. "The thing I am trying to educate people on is that grief is not easy".

I think there's a large subset of people who don't want to be educated.

Sarah said...

What I find funny is that it is your blog so you can write whatever you want on it! My blog has created family drama - once from a post regarding Abigail. My response - all those people can go to hell!

Mrs. Spit is correct - there are many people out there who think they know it all. They don't need to be educated.

Hope's Mama said...

Wow, indeed. This just serves as a timely reminder for me as to why it is a good idea to keep my blog from most people in my life. I too have lost friendships, but I'm ok with that, as the new ones and the ones that have grown and blossomed I'm far happier with. It was time for a good clean out anyway. You keep saying whatever the hell you want to say here. And we'll always listen.

Kristi said...

OMG I am SO sorry that your blog has been used against you. In essence, your PAIN has been used against you.

If anything, your blog points out that you ARE moving on... but doing so without forgetting such an entegral part of your life.

Sheesh... well, you can face book me anytime!! (Kristi Morris Rush)

Ya Chun said...

Wow, I can't believe someone thought their uneducated opinion was worth the bytes it was type in.

FB is iffy. I have several hints and outright statements on my profile that our daughter is missed, and I still get the "hey- you have any kids yet?"
Hey- Did you look at my profile before asking me dumb questions?

But, on the other hand, you know where she stands now.

Milk Mama said...

That was so incredible to read. "I am blessed to have held him for a moment than to have never held him at all" (paraphrased)--that's amazing!

I just stumbled on your blog. I am so very sorry to hear about your baby. Write your feelings here. That's what it's for! I'm sorry that people have harassed you. That's terrible. I hope they apologize.

Natalie said...

Wow. People can be truly idiots sometimes. Just leaves me kind of stunned that someone can take a blog with a few entries about this one thing and decide they know how you live your life. Yeah, okay then. Right.

ABC+1Mom said...

And here, with this post is where I think is a good place to pop in and say Hi, and Hugs, and thank you so much for sharing Curtis! I've been reading your blog nonstop for the past two days, and have cried "with you", "for you" and "because of" you..... I have had miscarriages and had some very dear friends from my online relationships loose their darling babies either stillborn like Curtis, or as infants or toddlers. We are all given burden's to bear, and while I can't imagine your pain and grief, I can say i've experienced something equally shocking, hurtful and incredibly sad. The power of God's Grace is that even though life ISNT FAIR, we're in this journey together and he sends us the most amazingly incredible people to lift us up and comfort us! I'm so sorry that whoever that was didnt even read your blog completely but was quick to judge you anyways.... Not only was that wrong, it was sad. I have loved reading about your son, and really wish I could see the pictures where you've stated there were pictures, from his birth, the walk, even your positive pregnancy tests! Because even now these years later, its like it happened yesterday, and your journey is long! Thanks again for sharing your son, and for having such a way with words, that I not only felt your experience, but fell in love with you and Curtis as well! I hope we can become good friends!

Hugs!
Dawn (Mommy to Four beautiful Girls, Ashley 15, Brielle 3, Cailynn 2, Delainey 10 months and our soon to be baby E (9 weeks preggers).... Mommy to angels "my twins" (92) and our beloved "CJ" 2/2006!