Born Still but Still Born

Wow.

I had no idea the drama my blog would cause!

I am always wanting to share Curtis with as many people as possible. Through this blog, through a memorial website...just mentioning him.

So, I posted a link to this blog on facebook last night. I have a lot of friends on there who know this blog already, so it was nothing new for them. But for a few select others, it was a brand new thing.

Now, the weird thing about facebook is there is a stack of people on there that don't know me that well. Maybe they knew me at one time. Maybe they are coworkers who didn't know me when I was pregnant with him or, heck, family members whom I love but we don't talk on a regular basis...They don't know the ins and outs of my life. So they take this blog, which deals with one specific topic and make wide sweeping generalizations of my life.

I was accused of hating people for "moving on" with their lives. I was accused of being lonely. I was accused of driving people away. That I should be more forgiving of others.

All from someone who hasn't spoken to me, I mean really spoke to me, in over 10 years.

I responded like you would expect anyone to respond in this situation. Not well. They take one topic of my life and but me in this "angry all the time" box.

The thing with grief....the thing I am trying to educate people on is grief is not easy. Grief doesn't wrap up in a pretty bow after one year of losing someone you love. This blog is my grief. It isn't always pretty. Often it contradicts itself.

So this blog, it is about Curtis. One aspect of my life. Do I blog about how Claudia and I went to Target today and I was pushing the cart down the aisle and saying "wheeeeee" and running behind it to make her laugh? Looking like an absolute fool, but now caring because I was laughing at her expression?

No.

Do I blog about how Craig and I played Wii Monopoly the other night and I was laughing so hard that diet pepsi came out of my nose?

No.

Because this blog is Born Still but Still Born. It is the place I go to talk about Curtis. Talk about my moments of anger and my days of sadness. It is the place I go when a TV show makes me cry. Or where I go to talk about his toes. He had my toes. And Craig's nose. Good lord. All the kids born on Craig's side have that nose.

This blog is one, just ONE, aspect of my life. It is a HUGE aspect, don't get me wrong. But you cannot make wide, sweeping, generalizations about me based on what you read here.

What kills me, is this person admitted to not even reading all the entries. Just the first few. So she hadn't bothered to read what it felt like the day I gave birth to him. Or the day we spread his ashes. Or the day we had his first memorial walk. To me, those entries...though sad, are filled with amazing amounts of hope.

I haven't driven anyone away. There are people I probably have lost or relationships that have forever changed in the wake of losing Curtis...but the friendships I have made BECAUSE of Curtis, or the friendships strengthened because of him...those replace the few I have lost, ten fold. I am okay with that. Because those are the true friends. Those are the friends who know I am different. There is a level of sadness that wasn't there before. But there is also a level of absolute joy that was never there before.

If anything, I think I have MORE friends now. I have friends who understand, who have been through it. I have friends who have never been through it but love hearing about Curtis. Who remember him with me AND celebrate my daughter's life.

So, if you happen to stumble upon here and maybe knew me in a former life or know me now, this is one aspect of who I am. Sometimes angry. Sometimes sad. Sometimes happy.

But always always always remembering I am richer, by far, to have held him a moment than to have never held him at all.