Born Still but Still Born

I have mentioned here and there about my faith being shaky, at best.

My faith wasn't really rock solid before losing Curtis. Then, coupled with so many people telling me it was "God's choice" for Curtis to die. That there was a "reason" for his death and I would see it one day. The more I heard that, the more I started to question it all.

I am not a life long scholar of religion, obviously.

I do not know the ins and outs of each religion.

Lately, I have been wanting to find some peace with it all. I want to expose Claudia to religion. I would love to find a church community we find comfortable with, a community where I could being to find peace with the struggle inside of me that goes along with doubting God.

More than anything: I need to know I will see Curtis again. The logical person inside of me sees evolution and thinks "no way does God exist." And then at my heart of hearts, I know I haven't given faith enough of a chance.

Mainly because I have never needed it before.

Recently, Craig and I made the decision to start exploring churches in our area.

But in doing this, I have to reconcile the fact that many people believe God chose this path for me.

And I do not.

I do not believe God willingly took Curtis away from me. Because if I believed in a God that would do that. A God that gives children cancer and lets babies and children die at the hands of their parents and doesn't allow deserving people to even have children. A God who increased the Autism rates and lets people starve to death. That lets wars and famine happen....

That just isn't a God I can come to terms with.

I have never, not once, believed God chose me for this. I think it was an accident, pure and simple. I don't think God had some big lesson to teach me. (Because why would he make an innocent baby suffer and not get to live his life? What was the reasons for Curtis to have to die? Assigning someone to die just so *I* can learn a lesson? That makes no sense. And actually, sounds very self involved. As if everyone was put on this Earth as some sort of reflection on my life.)

I am not explaining this well. I just do not agree there was a spiritual reason for his death. The reason for his death? I lost my amniotic fluid, his cord was wrapped around his neck and got compressed. There is a medical reason for his death. That is it.

It is seriously like nails on a chalkboard when I hear someone tell me that God chose Curtis because He needed Curtis more. Please! Nothing could be farther from the truth. The founder of the organization we work with has helped literally thousands of women suffering from losing their babies. Even she says this is NOT the reason her daughter died. This is just the wake of what they did in the memory of their daughter. Even though she has comforted many and helped up get our living children here and educated thousands...she would give it all up if her daughter was home.

There are things that have happened in the wake of Curtis' death....friendship have form. I have felt love and support like I couldn't believe possible. Losing him strengthened my marriage. But these things are not reasons for his death. But they are gifts. They are gifts...the silver lining if you will. Gifts on the journey.

I read something recently by a fellow blog writer. She has an illness that has left her house bound at a young age. Someone asked her if she believed God chose her for this to happen. Why would God do this do this to her? I hope that she doesn't mind me linking to her. But her words...they say exactly what I believe. What I am coming to believe. She is the first person to explain it well....she is the first person who said "Hey! I don't blame God for this. But God is helping me through it." I think that is powerful stuff.

Here is the link to her post about Free Will: http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/2009/01/free-will.html

Here are a few lines I like from her post; the post that made me run to Craig and say "FINALLY. Someone gets it! This wasn't something DONE to us. It was something that just happened..."

I don't think God, as my Father, decided to make me sick or chose to bestow an illness on me. Loving parents want to spare pain and hurts, not inflict them.

Just my opinion.

I think free will allowed two people to fall in love and have a child, and their genetics combined to create me. And in those genetics was a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis. Just like others may have heart disease or diabetes or a myriad of other illnesses... it's just luck of the draw. But I think God, after allowing that free will, then helps us to see that we can make beautiful choices out of difficult situations. He may lead me to the best ways to cope, He may lead me to comfort, He may lead me to serve by helping others... but choosing to follow His lead is my choice through free will as well....

Like she says, free will. Craig and I chose to marry. We chose to try to get pregnant. We got pregnant.

Then total crap happened.

Please, go read her post. I looked for more to quote here, but quite frankly, I wanted to quote the whole post and you can just click the link instead. Plus, I haven't asked her if it was okay that I quote her here and I don't want her sending her dog after me.

Just kidding.

Kinda.

Seriously. Reading her post at a time Craig and I were trying to decide about checking out churches and giving this faith thing the ole college try was something....well, a path laid out in front of me.