Kick Counts, Myth, Whys, and How to Do Them: IN EVERY PREGNANCY!!!!

I have lost one child at 40 weeks to a cord accident. His death was 100% preventable. I see posts in pregnancy groups a lot and I just want to cry when I read people comment on low movement, how it is normal, how they don't do kick counts because they don't need to because "the baby always moves"

I had the world's easiest, most normal pregnancy with Curtis. I lost him one day before his due date.

I was never told to do kick counts and was brushed aside at a few doctor's appointments where I told my doctor the baby wasn't moving much. I was told "it changes as the baby gets bigger. The baby is gearing up for delivery."

This, in fact, is a myth. I often hear people say "I don't need to do kick counts, my baby moves all the time"

Doing kick counts is not about just making sure the baby is moving. It is about tracking patterns and knowing your baby's exact movements at the exact time. So, you will have a written record when it changes. Even with my daughter I had a genetic counselor tell me that I didn't need to do kick counts as long as the baby was moving. That makes NO SENSE! Which just proves to me that people don't really know how and why to do kick counts and what they are for. Since having my second child, I have learned the extreme importance of doing kick counts.

In fact, her movements showed she was in distress the night before she was born. We could have easily have lost her as well. She was taken at 35w 5d with a cord issue. Just like the one we lost her brother to. Below is a write up on how to do kick counts. This information is meant to EDUCATE and not scare. It puts the power back into your hands.

The doctor sees you 10 minutes every other week. You and your baby are together every single day. Quite frankly, you need to take control of the situation and not put your trust into someone who is not you. I did, and I lost my son. When I knew something was wrong.

I am going to give a run down here with antecdotal stuff I learned from my cord research doctor. He is working to prevent stillbirths. So many doctors tell you they can't be prevented and it is 'just one of those things". Which is a myth.We worked with him and he saved our daughter's life. Then I will link you to a few charts.

The point of kick counts is to know your baby's patterns, NOT just 'that they move'. It is to know what is _normal_ for your baby. It is to know it is normal for your baby to take 6 minutes to get 10 kicks, or it is for you to know it takes you baby 25 minutes to get 10 kicks. Not just that 'your baby moves'. Because, then if one day your baby takes 90 minutes to get 10 that greately varies from normal, you will have had history on your side to show this was not typical and that something could be wrong. You pick one time (I did two...) each day to track movements. It should be the same time each day. When you can lay down/sit down and just focus on the kid. You write down your starting time, and track how long it takes you to get to 10, and write down your finishing time and are done. I would suggest in the evening. Later at night is when your blood pressure slows as you wind down for the night and that happens for the baby as well. (Stillbirths usually occur when the mom is sleeping at night after her blood pressure has dropped and less blood flow has gone to the baby who already may be in distress due to a cord issue). So, I usually did it at 10pm at night or so. But, since I did it twice a day, I usually did it around 9am. After you get your 10, you are done.

If you do NOT get 10 in 2 hours, drink something cold/eat something and start over. If you do not get 10 in those 2 hours, go immediately in. Do not pass go. Do not call the doctor. (Why? because they will tell you to lay down and do the kick counts again. Often times, as long as there is some movement, they are not concerned ). Do not wait until there is no movement, because it may be too late. Honestly, I may not wait those extra 2 hours and try again. Personally, if it takes 2 hours and that is NOT your baby's normal pattern, I would go in. I would go in with any big deviation of the norm. If one day it takes 15 minutes, the next 20, the next 18, the next 20, and then one day it takes 95 minutes....okay, I would be concerned. Because you have had a pattern emerge and then all of a sudden there has been a complete variation of it. That is the whole point of kick counts, you WILL see a pattern develope. If you go straight in to the hospital, they have to see you.

If you call and leave a message, they can always push you off. (This was the cord doctor's advice! ) Baby's sleeping patterns CAN change which can screw up your counts. I did have one with my daughter where her pattern changed on me and it freaked me out, but she was okay. Also be aware of things like day light savings time, if that occurs (that really threw me off one day). Any movement counts as kick counts, but also be aware if the movements change to really sluggish. Baby's movements will change from huge jabs to more subtle....but towards the end if they are really slow feeling, really sluggish....I would go in. That can be a sign of low fluid. Also, if you have what is called hyperactivity, I would go in. This just isn't jarring movements for a few minutes or constant normal movement, this can only be decribed as flailing. That is the only way I can desribe it. It literally feels like the baby is fighting for their life. My daughter had this twice, the night before she was born and the morning she was born. It wasn't just painful, I seriously couldn't breathe, it didn't stop, she felt like she was trying to bust out. And it went on and on and on. She had plenty of other times where, yeah she was active, and yeah, it hurt...but nothing like this. When she was born later that day, she was tangled up in her cord. She had been in distress. (and it showed on the monitor, her heart rate was well over 220 beats per minute, not normal. Even though the nurse told me it was. My doctor, on the other hand, said 'let's get her out!')

Okay, so anyway, kick counts really can help you know that your baby's pattern is normal, that s/he is following her typical schedule. But if anything, and I do mean anything, concerns you do not hestitate. I even hesitated one night with her movements when it took longer to get the same number of movements. When a baby nears the end it is a myth that the movements "slow down" and the baby is "gearing up for delivery" (those statements drive me nuts too. Probably because I was told that 3 days before Curtis died). It is true the movements are not as hard or whatever, because the kid is bigger, but they will still be there. There still should be the same amount, in the amount of time.

You will see a pattern emerge after a week or 2 of doing kick counts and you really can use that as a launching point in the future to know if anything is wrong.chart: http://babykickalliance.org/KickCountChartPg1.pdf
http://babykickalliance.org/kickCountChart.asp
http://babykickalliance.org/KickCountChartPg3.pdf

I didn't use charts but they are a great tool, I just had a note book where I wrote down the start time, my tally, the end time and wrote on the side "12 minutes for 10 kicks" I actually like flipping through it on occasion now. It is a little record of our days together. I really do suggest writing it all down. I really feel with Curtis if I had *proof* like a kick count log my doctor would have believed me as opposed to my anectdotal "he doesn't move much" statements. But I didn't know anything about kick counts back them. I had even seen him on an u/s a few days before and he passed a biophysical. But he was NOT fine. Knowing what I know now, I know I could have saved him.

All this stuff isn't meant to scare anyone, it is meant to give you the power to help your baby if needed. My biggest compliant with doctors is they may even tell women to do kick counts but not WHY and what they can prevent. I know that scares people, but kick counts can and DO prevent stillbirths. My doctor with my daugher had plenty of patients come in and say "I was doing my kick counts and something weird is happening" and they would do an u/s and the baby had low fluid or whatever and was born with a short cord.... so, they can help prevent a tragedy. I wish more doctors would tell people the WHYs.

That is power in itself. http://babykickalliance.org/

Two more myths/facts.Cord accidents do not happen suddenly. It is a process that takes place over days, possibly weeks. Hence, why knowing your babies pattern is so important. Cord issues are not flukes. It can and does happen again. My son and daughter are proof. If you have one baby with a cord issue (including live births) you are 10 times more likely to have another cord issue in the next pregnancy....so if you have had one child with a nuchal cord or arm loop or whatever, it can happen again and this time the results could be much more dangerous.

Just think; we all know the Back to Sleep campaign, that has reduced SIDS deaths by thousands. Think of what would happen if everyone did kick counts.Cord issues CAN BE SEEN ON U/S. Often times "they" are not "allowed" to tell. Or that is what they will tell you, but they can see where the blood flow is going through the cord, and they can see if the cord is looped around the neck or leg or what have you. This is very important information to have. A friend of mine (an OB nurse!) who lost a child to a triple nuchal cord asked during her next pregnancy where the cord was. The tech told her she wasn't allowed to tell. She said there was even a mom in her room recently that had a double cord and they were not going to tell that mom. That info is SO important because that mom could be doing kick counts to look for a decrease.

A cord issue does NOT equal a cord death. With proper monitoring and kick counts, the baby can be born just fine!

When I was pregnant with my son, my sis in law gave me about 4 boxes of newborn to 24 month clothes from her boys. Now that I am figuring out what to do with his room I had to decide what to do with this stuff. My mom offered to store all the bedding, clothes etc in their crawl space and I knew there was no point storing all these used clothes (that went through 2 boys).

So I went through the boxes last night to make sure there wasn't anything gender neutral. The Epilepsy Foundation comes by about every other month and takes away unwanted stuff. They are coming today so I needed to get the stuff on the curb. I am not attached to this stuff either way. I pulled out a few things, just in case. I went back up to to room and decided to start making piles of what I can keep for this baby and what should be packed away. I have a few special outfits that were just his that I have kept. But, the rest of this stuff....I can't.

Well, in his closet is outfit after outfit. Very boy. Very blue. And there, on the other side of the closet is two tiny pink outfits my husband hung up after we found out our next baby will be a girl. The rest of the girl clothes I have shoved in the downstairs closet but hub got something from his parents and hung it up. It looked *so* out of place. I have a closet organizer that is blue, blue crib sheets, blue shoes, blue hats, blue boppy, outfit after outfit... and then these two tiny pink outfits. It was really really weird.So I started making piles and remembering. The turtle outfit one friend sent, the turtle outfits another sent, the stuff another sent, the "future golfer" outfit I got at my shower, this cute outfit I bought off of someone on ebay, tiny little shoes, hats, bibs, so many onesies...seriously, a lot of those. One that said "I love my mommy". The on clearance Christmas outfits we bought in Christmas of 05. Before we ever knew he was a boy. It struck me that all of this stuff would have been packed away by now anyway. None of it would have fit anymore. He never got to outgrow this stuff. A lot of it (well the bigger stuff) still had the tags hanging off of it. I have to undo this room that never got lived in. It all looks so much the same. Time stood still in this room. I turned on the swing to see if the batteries had held up for 16 months. I unpacked my diaper bag, 16+ months after I packed it. I forgot the stuff I shoved in there. The tiny pacifiers, the blankets, the hats...

I know preparing and redecorating that room is the healthy thing. I know packing this stuff away doesn't erase him, or his memory... I know this is just "stuff". I know the room will be really cute all done up for this one.But it was really cute before, too.

Happy Birthday, baby boy.

Sitting here, trying to figure out what I was going to write, I am at a loss. Do I talk about your death, your birth, or the way we have celebrated your life? Do I talk about the lows we have dealt with or the joys we have have experienced? It is all there, but it is all muddled in my mind and heart.

As I am writing this, one year ago today, we didn't even know you were gone yet. I struggle with not knowing when you died and I struggle with not knowing exactly why you died. I struggle with the decisions we had to make so quick, and the regrets I know we will always feel.

May 31st, 2006 is such a special, bittersweet day. Your daddy and I always say it was never the worst day of our lives. How could it be? We finally met you and got to touch your beautiful face. Like we said at your funeral "don't feel too sorry for us, we got to meet our son. It was worth it, to meet our son". I truly believe that. Even on the days where I am lower than low, the brief 9 months and 4 hours we spent together make up for those lows.

A year has passed. I remember in the first few weeks after we came home without you, I just wanted time to pass. And quickly. And here we are. one year, 52 weeks later. I have no concept of what you would be like now. Walking? Talking? I would be planning your first birthday party. However, you will forever remain my little baby. 6lbs, 10oz. And that hair. I was so suprised to see you had hair. It was so long in the back. I wish I could have seen your eyes... well, I wish a lot of things.

So, yes, this day is special. It was one year ago today. 5:31PM on 5/31 (I still think that is cool) that you were born. It will always be a huge day to us, every single year. But really, kiddo, everyday is a day we spend remembering you, loving you, and celebrating you.

Look over us, We need you now more than ever.

Love,Mom

Time is lost on me.

I have a good friend who announced her pregnancy to me recently. She told me privately because she knew the due date would be tough on me. It is my son's due date. Now, I know I got pregnant in September. It makes sense people are expecting babies a year after I had mine. But I swear I keep thinking "there is no way that is possible. It is only early summer". When I think of the impending holidays, just a few weeks away I think "no, Christmas is far away. It is only early summer".

I seem to be stuck in May. I am stuck. I am stuck on the day. The day he was born into our arms for 4 hours. Even though I know time is marching on, a fact I am actually grateful for, it is hard to wrap my mind around this time. It hard to imagine that I don't have a baby, I won't have a baby. When his first birthday rolls around.... my life will be the same. I won't have a baby. I don't have a baby.

The fact that I want nothing to do with any holidays this year also compounds the fact that I am stuck in May. People talk about death and how it is such a defining moment. Life before he died, life after he died.

I am stuck right in the middle. I wonder when I will move to the after part? Because I do not feel like I have any sort of life after he died. At least not a life worth having.

So.

Here it is. October. Heck, close to mid October. It is fall. We are in the home stretch of ending 2006. Moving into a new year. I just don't know. I just don't think 2007 with bring any happiness. It has been close to 5 months since we lost our beautiful son.

Ever since we have lost him, everywhere I turn I hear about other losses. These stories are not prompted by my loss, but new losses. A friend of a friend, a woman online who knows someone... it keeps happening. Over and over. My friend's friend, full term stillbirth. A friend's sister loses her son at 21 weeks, a co-worker loses her baby at 20 weeks, my step-cousin and wife lose their son to a fullterm stillbirth, a friend loses her 11th month old, a friend's friend loses her 3 month old... why are these things happening? I never heard of loss like this before it happened. Sure, there were a few women online, people I don't talk with. I knew their stories. (I posted on some baby boards). Now I am "one of them". All of these things happen after we lose our son.

Each time I hear a story like this, I am shaken. It isn't "oh wow, how sad" it is fall to the floor and cry. Cry for that family. Cry for that baby. Cry for myself.

Why? Why? Why do some of us get slammed this way and others don't?

I have been having a hard time lately.

Well, that is probably a given. Why wouldn't I have a hard time? Every moment of everyday is suppose to be different. I am suppose to have a living child. I am suppose to be getting him ready for bed. I am suppose to be angry my husband is out at a baseball game and I am here, stuck with a fussy baby. He probably should have rolled over for the first time. He would be smiling. He would fit into that blue dinosaur sweartshirt and matching pant outfit that I fell in love with and had to buy. My husband and I may be stressed out. We may not be getting along. Maybe the baby would have had colic. Maybe it would be tough.

It was suppose to be different.

This past weekend marked the one year anniversary since I got the double pink lines saying I was pregnant.

When I showed it to my husband, he high fived me. How cute is that? He was so excited and I was so terrified.

Very much like the day before we found out we lost our son. My husband was telling me how excited he was 'to get the show on the road' and meet our son.

But I was terrified. I was scared of the huge change our lives were headed. I told him he could stay in a few more days.

I am so sorry, my special baby, I was excited to meet you. I really was.

Maybe I was terrified that it would be all over before it really started.

I did something today I never thought I would.

I sent some of his clothes away.

They are gifts...to a couple who had their boy a few months after we did. Another set of clothes went to a woman who is pregnant with her son. Her husband died suddenly a few months ago.

They were clothes I really liked, things I had picked out. They were not, however, my most favorite items. There is this little blue hooded sweatshirt with a dinosaur on it and matching blue cords. It breaks my heart to look at it. I love that outfit so much. Well, I love the image of my son in that outfit.

Walking into his nursery was hard. It is full. Changing table, crib, toys, stroller, diapers, wipes, shampoon, shoes, nuks, slings, blankets and on and on and on. It is like time stood still.

That we pretended for nine months that we were going to have a baby and one day...well, we stopped pretending.

We don't plan on storing everything or getting rid of things. First of all, we have no where to put anything. Second of all, we will use things if we are blessed with another child. We would have handed down items anyway. If we are not blessed with a child, well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I will, however, redecorate. The theme in his room will always be "his". A new baby will have a new theme. The new baby will not be him. The new baby will not take the place of him.

However, looking towards a new baby? When I spent 9 long months looking towards him? Really difficult. I already put in the work for a child. And I am back at square one. In fact, I am way back. Square one is light years ahead. Because square one was a happy couple deciding to add to their familes. Wanting a child to know his grandparents and cousins.

Now we are a terrified, heartbroken couple who still wants a child but things will never be the way they were.

So, Grief makes you selfish.

Death, makes you selfish.

Can you imagine what it would have been like to lose your mom or dad or spouse in the attacks on 9.11? While you are grieving your greatest loss.... so many other people are grieving. You have to share your grief with everyone. Everyone has a story. The statistics say something like 1 out of 3 people knew someone effected by 9.11 directly. Your grief you have to share with the families of 2996 people.

So, you have this horrible loss and so do all these other people. After awhile you want to scream "it is about ME. Not YOU. Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Their stories don't mean much to you, because your story is more important. Because it is you.

That is how I felt yesterday, 9.11. Yes, I remember 5 years ago. I remember how scared I felt. I remember worrying about my mom who works in the airline industry and not knowing where she was that morning. I remember staring at the TV.

Me. Me. Me.

But 9.11 marked a new anniversary for me. It was the day in 2005 I got pregnant with my son. One year ago. It may strange to someone who doesn't know ovulation and timing and how two weeks before you get that + on your pregnancy test you are pregnant.

From all calculations, 9.11 was it. I even joked "take that terrorists! Good things do happen on 9.11" One year ago he was a bunch of cells growing in me. I didn't even know he was there yet. So, everywhere I went yesterday, was "9.11", message boards, journals, driving down the freeway, the news, everyone asking me "where were you 5 years ago?"

And I couldn't stop the tears. Not for the 2996 victims and their families.... but for myself. My husband. Our families. For my son. Who got to live 40 short weeks and never open his eyes and see how, despite 9.11 horrors, this world is a beautiful place.

So my very personal grief was coupled with America's grief yesterday.

For the next 40 weeks, each week is going to mark another thought of "where was I one year ago? Oh yes, He was inside of me, growing, kicking, and preparing for life that was never to be.

So, there is this walk this weekend.

It is a memorial thing, fundraiser for stillbirth awareness. I threw my heart into this walk. I bought all these tshirts for our friends and family. I carefully picked a font and desgined the front and back of these shirts. I printed out the iron transfers and made 12 tshirts. Well, I made 13 because I royally screwed one up. (Of course, it was the last one I made. I must have been getting lazy.)

I sat back and surveyed my work. I am very proud of these shirts.

Why? They are stupid shirts. Why do I care so much if people wear them? I am fearful people won't. Or will think they are stupid. Or will cover them up with jackets.

I care so much because I can't DO anything for my son. I cannot give him a bath. I cannot kiss him. I cannot hug him. Sometimes, it is even hard to love him. That is hard to type. Of course I love my son. But my heart is so full of pain, there is little room for love. I am having a hard time loving anyone right now.

So, these shirts. It was something I could do. I have found a few things here and there I can DO for him. I bought a huge memory box for his things. I made him a memorial website. We spead his ashes. I blog about him. I got a tattoo in his memory.

Each one of these things is my heart and soul. Each one of these things I see as a replacement for story time. For bath time. For sleepless night and endless days and stressed out moments.

So, those 13 shirts. 13 pieces of me. 13 things I never got to do with him. Eventually, I am going to run out of things to do for him. Grief is the only thing I have to hold now.

He was my son.

He is my son.

How do you explain the loss of your child to someone? A loss such as this. No childhood illness. No random, tragic car accident. He died before he lived. Before his first smile. Before his first hug. Before his first kiss.

Do you know how many times I am asked on a weekly basis if I have children? I do. Because I counted last week.

6 times.

The lady who cut my hair. A client at work. The guy who was our closer for our mortgage refinancing. The kid at Target who saw me staring at baby halloween costumes. You get the picture. Well meaning people, who are just trying to make conversation. They don't mean to enter into "this" conversation with me. In fact, looking back, they probably wish I had said no. They probably wish they had never asked.

Because I answer. I answer truthfully.

"That is a hard question for me to answer," I say. "We have a son who passed away".

Maybe he never breathed on his own. Maybe he never opened his eyes. But he lived inside of me for 40 weeks. 40 wonderful weeks. Roughly 280 days. Well, 279. Because he died one day before he was due.

He was born as any baby is born. Hospital rooms, contractions, husband telling me to push, epidurals, nurses, blood, stitches. When he made his entrance? Absolute silence.

So, yes, I tell people about my son. He passed away. He doesn't live with me. He lives in heaven. Whose exsistence, I question. Whose exsistence I try to believe in, because if I don't, I never get to see my son again. He was beautiful.

I smile softly at the memory of his face. He had his dad's nose. Hands down. My lips though. And through pictures, I have discovered he had my piggy toes.

People will always say "Oh, I am sorry". I prefer to leave it at that. Because if they keep talking? Stupid comments. But that is a topic for a different day.

So, I will tell you my friend, I have a son. He passed away. This is the story of his life, our life with and without him, our healing, our laughter, our tears.