Born Still but Still Born

So, Grief makes you selfish.

Death, makes you selfish.

Can you imagine what it would have been like to lose your mom or dad or spouse in the attacks on 9.11? While you are grieving your greatest loss.... so many other people are grieving. You have to share your grief with everyone. Everyone has a story. The statistics say something like 1 out of 3 people knew someone effected by 9.11 directly. Your grief you have to share with the families of 2996 people.

So, you have this horrible loss and so do all these other people. After awhile you want to scream "it is about ME. Not YOU. Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Their stories don't mean much to you, because your story is more important. Because it is you.

That is how I felt yesterday, 9.11. Yes, I remember 5 years ago. I remember how scared I felt. I remember worrying about my mom who works in the airline industry and not knowing where she was that morning. I remember staring at the TV.

Me. Me. Me.

But 9.11 marked a new anniversary for me. It was the day in 2005 I got pregnant with my son. One year ago. It may strange to someone who doesn't know ovulation and timing and how two weeks before you get that + on your pregnancy test you are pregnant.

From all calculations, 9.11 was it. I even joked "take that terrorists! Good things do happen on 9.11" One year ago he was a bunch of cells growing in me. I didn't even know he was there yet. So, everywhere I went yesterday, was "9.11", message boards, journals, driving down the freeway, the news, everyone asking me "where were you 5 years ago?"

And I couldn't stop the tears. Not for the 2996 victims and their families.... but for myself. My husband. Our families. For my son. Who got to live 40 short weeks and never open his eyes and see how, despite 9.11 horrors, this world is a beautiful place.

So my very personal grief was coupled with America's grief yesterday.

For the next 40 weeks, each week is going to mark another thought of "where was I one year ago? Oh yes, He was inside of me, growing, kicking, and preparing for life that was never to be.