Born Still but Still Born

I did something today I never thought I would.

I sent some of his clothes away.

They are gifts...to a couple who had their boy a few months after we did. Another set of clothes went to a woman who is pregnant with her son. Her husband died suddenly a few months ago.

They were clothes I really liked, things I had picked out. They were not, however, my most favorite items. There is this little blue hooded sweatshirt with a dinosaur on it and matching blue cords. It breaks my heart to look at it. I love that outfit so much. Well, I love the image of my son in that outfit.

Walking into his nursery was hard. It is full. Changing table, crib, toys, stroller, diapers, wipes, shampoon, shoes, nuks, slings, blankets and on and on and on. It is like time stood still.

That we pretended for nine months that we were going to have a baby and one day...well, we stopped pretending.

We don't plan on storing everything or getting rid of things. First of all, we have no where to put anything. Second of all, we will use things if we are blessed with another child. We would have handed down items anyway. If we are not blessed with a child, well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I will, however, redecorate. The theme in his room will always be "his". A new baby will have a new theme. The new baby will not be him. The new baby will not take the place of him.

However, looking towards a new baby? When I spent 9 long months looking towards him? Really difficult. I already put in the work for a child. And I am back at square one. In fact, I am way back. Square one is light years ahead. Because square one was a happy couple deciding to add to their familes. Wanting a child to know his grandparents and cousins.

Now we are a terrified, heartbroken couple who still wants a child but things will never be the way they were.