Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I have been having a hard time lately.

Well, that is probably a given. Why wouldn't I have a hard time? Every moment of everyday is suppose to be different. I am suppose to have a living child. I am suppose to be getting him ready for bed. I am suppose to be angry my husband is out at a baseball game and I am here, stuck with a fussy baby. He probably should have rolled over for the first time. He would be smiling. He would fit into that blue dinosaur sweartshirt and matching pant outfit that I fell in love with and had to buy. My husband and I may be stressed out. We may not be getting along. Maybe the baby would have had colic. Maybe it would be tough.

It was suppose to be different.

This past weekend marked the one year anniversary since I got the double pink lines saying I was pregnant.

When I showed it to my husband, he high fived me. How cute is that? He was so excited and I was so terrified.

Very much like the day before we found out we lost our son. My husband was telling me how excited he was 'to get the show on the road' and meet our son.

But I was terrified. I was scared of the huge change our lives were headed. I told him he could stay in a few more days.

I am so sorry, my special baby, I was excited to meet you. I really was.

Maybe I was terrified that it would be all over before it really started.


Anonymous said...

I hope you are not feeling guilty about being nervous or wishing he would stay put a few more days. Most Moms feel that way and that had nothing to do with the accident.

Rosepetal said...

Hi, I just found your blog. I'm so sorry about your son. I could have written your last post myself - my son died at 40wks 4days, one day before he was to be induced. He was born on 29th July 2006.

He was conceived in October 2005 and I have been wondering why the hell my husband and I are still here, just the two of us, doing the same things as a year ago.

I hope blogging helps you to process your thoughts and feelings.

Hapa Haole said...

You were my inspiration to write about my son. Reading your blog was like reading about my life. I went through similar experiences as you. Life is never the same after losing a child. The world does not prepare us for this… or our family and friends, for that matter. I know and feel every ounce of your pain & sorrow.
From a mother of two, one that soars...