Thursday, May 31, 2007

Happy Birthday, baby boy.

Sitting here, trying to figure out what I was going to write, I am at a loss. Do I talk about your death, your birth, or the way we have celebrated your life? Do I talk about the lows we have dealt with or the joys we have have experienced? It is all there, but it is all muddled in my mind and heart.

As I am writing this, one year ago today, we didn't even know you were gone yet. I struggle with not knowing when you died and I struggle with not knowing exactly why you died. I struggle with the decisions we had to make so quick, and the regrets I know we will always feel.

May 31st, 2006 is such a special, bittersweet day. Your daddy and I always say it was never the worst day of our lives. How could it be? We finally met you and got to touch your beautiful face. Like we said at your funeral "don't feel too sorry for us, we got to meet our son. It was worth it, to meet our son". I truly believe that. Even on the days where I am lower than low, the brief 9 months and 4 hours we spent together make up for those lows.

A year has passed. I remember in the first few weeks after we came home without you, I just wanted time to pass. And quickly. And here we are. one year, 52 weeks later. I have no concept of what you would be like now. Walking? Talking? I would be planning your first birthday party. However, you will forever remain my little baby. 6lbs, 10oz. And that hair. I was so suprised to see you had hair. It was so long in the back. I wish I could have seen your eyes... well, I wish a lot of things.

So, yes, this day is special. It was one year ago today. 5:31PM on 5/31 (I still think that is cool) that you were born. It will always be a huge day to us, every single year. But really, kiddo, everyday is a day we spend remembering you, loving you, and celebrating you.

Look over us, We need you now more than ever.


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