Sunday, November 30, 2008

On Craig's side of the family there is this weird "gap" that I can't shake every time everyone is together.

One of Craig's brothers has 2 girls, very close in age. They are 8 and 7.

The next child, from another brother is a boy, who is 3.

Then there is our daughter, and another baby, a girl, 9 months younger than her.

Can you see it? Can you see that gap? 2 girls, close in age, sisters even...and playmates. Then there is our daughter, and the newest baby in the family. Bound to grow up and be playmates. Both girls, only 9 months apart.

But, look. Look at the lone boy there. Right in the middle. Age 3. No boys to play with. No one similar in age. But there should be. Curtis should be smack dab in the middle with him. It just makes me sick every time we are together and he is chasing after the older girls, trying to get them to play. Or trying to play with our daughter, who is much too young to be anything but confused by his approaches.

When we announced we were pregnant with Curtis, my mother in law went on and on how wonderful it would be for the two of them to have each other.

That, obviously, didn't happen.

When my sister in law got pregnant with her daughter, my mother in law went on and on about how wonderful it would be for the two girls to have each other.

That did happen.

But that gap, it makes me ache.

On my side, we don't have that gap. My brother has 4 kids, and the youngest would have been about 2 years older than Curtis. So they would have been close and would have played together I am sure... But there isn't that obvious gender and age segregation.

Times like this, where family gatherings happen quite often (heck, on Craig's side they happen a ton normally) it is just hard. It is hard to listen to people say how great it is our daughter has a cousin so close in age. It is hard to watch my nephew play by himself. It is hard not to picture a little blond boy toddling behind him...

It is hard not to be angry and bitter. And angry some more.

I am in an angry place today.


Mrs. Spit said...

Yes. I can understand the anger.

Choofy Mama said...

i hear you. i've been noticing The Gap in a few places :( My best friend's oldest is 4, and my oldest is almost 4 (2 weeks, ack!)

They are the best of friends.

When I was pregnant with Catti, my best friend found out 1 month before Catti was stillborn that she was pregnant too. YAY we were both going to have babies in 2007, that could be bffs just like their older brother and sister.

She had another boy, I had another girl. He lived, she didn't.

Now we are both pregnant again. Both due in 2009, a month apart.

I'm having a boy, she's having a boy. Hopefully they'll both live and be bffs.

but every time i see her son, now toddling around, it makes me aware that catti isn't here, and cal doesn't have his bff.

yeah the anger. *sigh*

loribeth said...

I understand too. Two of dh's cousins have boys -- one is exactly six months older than my daughter would have been, and one is exactly six months younger. Every time I see all the cousins' kids together, I look at those two & think about the little girl who should be in the middle. My only consolation is that they're boys & not girls. And the younger one was a second baby, so I didn't have to go to a baby shower.

Ya Chun said...

Aw, and the cuz likely doesn't know what he is missing. I can't imagine how hard that is to see.

Cara said...

And yet, I'm willing to bet you are the only one that REALLY sees it, in your head I mean - with sound and color.

For that - my heart breaks.

Natalie said...

Hubby's family has that same gap. There are twin boys, 13. Twin girls, 8. And then my little neice, who is 6 months. All alone. My Devin would have been 2 months older than her. Best of friends. It does hurt. :( I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I know all too well. Thanksgiving WAS hard. There should have been two kids crawling - not one.

wandering mom said...

My heart goes out to you. I do not have the gap in terms of nieces or nephews but my oldest and youngest children are 7, almost 8 years apart. The gap is so apparent to me every day. Andrew would have been 4 years old week after next, the perfect insert in between my oldest and youngest. I feel your kind to deserve to be angry. Often, I am too. Thank you for sharing.

kristi said...

I guess the gap is just a physical reminder... literally pointing to what you've lost. I'm so sorry.

Do you plan on having more children?