Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Today we attended my sister in law mom's funeral. I was talking to my brother in law about how I had never been touched by death until we lost Curtis.

I lost my grandpa when I was 3, so I don't remember that. And then....nothing. There was a high shool classmate who died when we were 16 or 17. We had been sort of friends in junior high and drifted apart in high school. I am a bit ashamed to say her death didn't register much on my radar, though I did feel bad about the situation (she had been sick) at the time. There was a pen pal of mine who died in a tragic accident when I was in high school as well. But, once again, I was removed enough from her that the death didn't alter my daily world. And until death changes your day to day exsistance, it is hard to say it effected you on a deep level.

Curtis was my first real taste of how unfair and cruel life can be. He was the first person taken from me. Of course, with Curtis' death came all kinds of things. His delivery. Only ever holding him dead. Other people not realizing how real he was (because he was never real to them).

Curtis' death changed my day to day world. In a way, I am still waiting for things to get back to normal.

Sitting at the funeral today I ached for the people whose day to day lives have been rocked to the core. I know how painful it all is and how they will never be the same. How they will wait and hope for the day where the pain goes away, and it won't. They will learn to live with it, they will learn to live with the new normal, but they will still wish for the day to come that things will be normal again.

I miss him, I miss everything I never had with him. I will continue to wait. Wait to feel whole, wait to get back to normal. Just like the family who lost their mom. They wait. I wait.

For something that will never come. Because death forever changes everything.


Hope's Mama said...

It is good to see you back and I'm so happy to hear the party went well. It sounded like a lot of fun and a fitting celebration for your lovely little girl.
I'm so sorry you have ended up at another funeral though. Like you, I have previously not really been too touched by death. Lost a grandfather at 11 then a friend in high school. Not too many others that affected me too deeply. But losing Hope has shaken me to my core. I cling on so tight now to everyone important as you can see how quickly things can change without warning.

Kristi said...

May I suggest this link?

It has helped me so much today and though it was the HARDEST thing to do, I did it... and bawled my eyes out. But afterwards I just felt so.... sooo much better!

Not much loss here either. One friend in high school, then one after high school...I even had ALL of my great-granparents until I was almost 20. Of course, at 42 they're starting to pass and I find myself trying to seperate a little at a time from them in what I suppose is an attempt to shelter myself. Not good.

Sarah said...

Hi - I found your blog by linking thru other blogs. My first baby, Abigail, was born still on June 4, 2006 - a few days after your son. There are some similarities to our stories. I'm glad to see that there are others out there who have been thru/going thru the same things.