Sunday, November 21, 2010

I just realized my last two posts sound a lot the same...it is what happens when you post months apart and don't look back as to what you have written.

Today, Claudia is three. I remember driving up to the hospital (close to two hours away) terrified. Out of my mind. We had not told our families I was having an amnio and a possible c-section that day. They still thought it was a week away. We didn't want to get their anxiety levels up, ours were bad enough.

I had rented a doppler and even in the way, on the way to the hospital, I would listen to her heartbeat.

I remember the cold, sterile room where I had the long needle inserted into my belly and they removed fluid from the baby.

I remember our wonderful doctor having to do it TWICE because the needle didn't work. I remember her saying that had never happened before and "Of course it would happen to YOU."

I remember walking up to the room and laying on the bed and getting hooked to monitors. I remember waiting, waiting, waiting for results.

I remember Claudia going NUTS in utero. I remember her turning and turning and kicking to the point I was in tons of pain. I remember watching her heart rate climb to over 220 (NOT normal) and I remember launching into full blown panic. I remember the nurse telling me it was normal. I remember arguing with her that I had nightly monitoring for 8 weeks and the highest her heart rate got was 170 and 220 was NOT normal. I remember Craig trying to call me down.

I remember them calling my doctor and her racing in, looking at the monitors,  and telling me they would take the baby no matter the results of the amnio.

I remember calling my parents...so excited to tell them the baby was coming but being that they were taken so aback by it they were scared instead of happy. I had to tell them this was a GOOD thing, a planned thing...but I was so upset what I had expected to be a "HAPPY" call after Curtis' "SAD" call wasn't.

I remember Craig getting scrubs on. I remember being wheeled into surgery. I remember not asking questions because I was afraid of the answer.

I remember the needled inserted into my spine...I remember the doctors and nurses joking, talking about what they were going to do for Thanksgiving the next day.

I remember a tug. I remember MORE tugs. I remember Craig sitting next to me, talking softly and calmly, but his eyes showed his nervousness.

I remember Dr. R pulling her out and saying "There is a cord." (meaning a cord issue. She was wrapped up, a lot, in her cord. Again. Another baby with a cord issue. Why her heart rate had climbed).

I remember her cry. I remember saying "I want her to keep crying". I remember looking to my right and seeing her under the warming lights.

The first feeling? Not an overwhelming sense of love. Or happiness.

I felt relief. RELIEF. She was here, She was alive. And for the first time in about 17 months, a deep breath I took.

Falling in absolute love came about an hour later when I got to hold her before she spent the rest of the day in the NICU being monitored. I was okay with her NICU time. I was thrilled someone else was caring for her, watching her. It had been exhausting being the only one to care for her 24 hours a day. And not being able to physically see her.

 I fall more in love with her everyday.

4 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

I just posted (a much longer version!!) of Angus' birth story on my blog. And the parallels are again striking for us. I don't think I realised you had a c-section for Claudia. I ended up with one for Angus, and we certainly shared many of the same thoughts and feelings, and even both used our dopplers en route to the hospital.
And, it seems our babies after loss were even born the same week, just a couple of years apart. We really do have a lot in common.
I'm so glad she's here, filling your lives with love.
xo

Ya Chun said...

Happy, Happy Birthday Claudia!

And Chantel and Craig! I am not sure if three year olds 'get' what the birthday really means yet, but you do.

I think relief was my first feeling too. Just a big sigh of relief.

I suppose parenting is a daily falling in love, and a daily letting go.

Rich said...

Thank you for sharing Claudia's birth with us. Your writing makes me feel as if I am there, which is beautiful.

Reading the post brought me back to the delivery room over 3 and 1/2years ago when Sarah deliverd Allie, Anna and Emily. Thank you.

cullensblessings said...

Happy Belated Birthday Claudia....
And hello to you sweet mamma... thank you so much fro sharing. I find myself holding my breath and waiting for this moment to come... for another souls to bless my life... the wait is almost unbearable.