Thursday, November 18, 2010

I am lucky.

I am the lucky one.

I am the one I would have searched for after losing a baby at 40 weeks.

In the days, and weeks, after I lost Curtis I was desperate to find someone like myself. Someone who lost their FIRST baby at 40 weeks and went on to have living children. I couldn't relate to someone who lost their 2nd or 3rd or 4th baby. I wanted to find someone like me.

Someone who walked in to the doctor's office and no heartbeat to be found. I wanted to know they picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and tried again. And succeeded.

I am my own "best case scenario" after losing my son at 40 weeks.

I picked myself up, dusted myself and everyone around me off, and tried again.

And took home a beautiful daughter and a beautiful son.

Our family is as complete as it is going to get without Curtis. I truly love my life as it is right now. I can't bring back Curtis (trust me, I have tried. I still play the what if game on a regular basis). Claudia and Cole fill my days with laughter, joy, stress, exhaustion, and love. (Yes, I said stress and exhaustion. Because that is what kids do. Even as a loss mama, I still get annoyed and frustrated. But, I gotta say it is a heck of a lot less thanks to a truck load of perspective.)

I am blessed to have a job I enjoy and can work part time at. I am blessed to be able to take a few classes with Claudia.

I think about Curtis all the time. I miss him all the time. I tear up when I see how  much Cole loves to watch the little boy who is close to Curtis' age at daycare. Or watch my sweet nephew who is only a year or so older then Curtis, want to sit close to Cole and entertain him. This year Curtis would be 4 and a half at Christmas. I can picture him running down the stairs with Claudia in tow, jumping up an down at the excitement of Christmas morning. But, it isn't my reality and never will be.

Ya know, as I write this, it still doesn't even seem real. I miss being pregnant with him when I had no clue what my future held. I miss the short time I got to hold mind was so fuzzy I didn't do all the things I know in hindsight I should have. I hate the fact I didn't have the funeral for him that I should have.

It is emotions I have blogged about before. But they are always still there.

But, I am still the best case scenario. I know far too many women who have had miscarriages, stillbirth, and more miscarriages. And no living children. I don't know why this isn't me. None of these women deserve that nightmare. I do count myself as the lucky one.

Claudia is turning 3 on Sunday. Three. I haven't even gotten close to completing her pregnancy story and birth story. But I promise I will. It is all so fresh still.

Three years ago, I took a deep breath for the first time in about 16 months. I know I am lucky.


Hope's Mama said...

You were the very first person I found, and for the reasons you described in this post, this is why I sought you (or anyone like you) out.
I plugged "stillbirth at 40 weeks" in to Google, and there you were. It was only days after losing Hope and this blog was like oxygen to me. I never thought I'd get to where you are, yet here I am (almost - a little living girl would really be the cherry on top).
I know you don't write much anymore, but I still look to you for inspiration and guidance as someone who is those few years ahead of me. So in that way, your words are still like oxygen.
Thank you Curtis for bringing your Mum in to my life.

Missy said...

I search and find one and still search some more. It's like I want to know every woman in the world who lost their baby at term. I also like to know when mom's get to bring home living babies after losing others. I feel like if they can do it so can I. I am also glad to know that you still miss your son. I always worry that I will one day forget him. I know I won't, but the thoughts are still there. Much love!

Ya Chun said...

At first, I couldn't read any blogs that had other living children. And then I too looked for those that would be inspirational, wondering how they could do it, if I could do it.

And we got lucky this time 'round too.

brooke said...

I just found your blog and although I lost my Eliza at 34 weeks, you are still the very sort of best case scenario I needed to find. I hope I eventually get to where you are.