Born Still but Still Born

So much for my blogging 3 times a week thing, huh? But this time, it isn't my fault! I swear. Spring is a the really busy time at Craig's work. He gets home at about 6:30pm, helps me get the kids to sleep and is on the computer until 1 or 2 am. Crazy. Evening time has been my blog/computer time so obviously, I haven't had access to the computer.

On Wednesdays, I take Claudia to a toddler class. It is through our local school district and is really cute. There is a free play time, circle time, snack and a time the parents go off and have parent discussion time while the children play. Every other mom in there is a stay at home mom. I am the only one who works. They all adore the parent discussion time, a break from the kids, adults only...and I tolerate it. I love the class because it is my time with Claudia. (Cole is in the sibling care room). I am not saying I know everything about parenting, but having worked in the child development area I am not learning anything new as a lot of topics revolve around that. We were asked what topics we would like to discuss, given a sheet of paper and asked to rate them. I put "birth order" the lowest on the list. I don't believe in the whole birth order hype, and quite frankly, it is a sore subject for me.

Sure enough, our 6th class or so...birth order was brought up. All the other moms were excited to discuss this. Me? I am fighting tears.

The parent educator says "okay, I think all of our kids in class are first borns."

No, no they aren't.

Claudia may "act" like a first born (if you believe in that stuff). She may be treated like a first born in the fact she was our first living child...but she is NOT the first born. I gave birth one time before her.

I am fighting back tears. I am lowering my head. I hate this topic. I hate Claudia being refered to as a first born. It is the phrase that grates on my nerves. They are referring to HER...but to me? She isn't. I do not participate in the discussion. I do the thing we all perfected in high school. The look of participation. The polite interest, glazed over expression. But, my mind is a million miles away. To my true first born. What would HIS personality have been like? What 'first born' traits would have encompassed him?

I want the discussion to end. I want to get back into the other room, back to my daughter. Back to the reason I am taking this class. One to one time with her. Watching her explore new toys, watching her take interest in other children. I look at the clock. Sitll 10 minutes left.

Thankfully, the phone rings. It is the sibling care room...they think Cole needs a diaper change and can I come down? Everyone groans for me. Feels bad I have to leave this interesting coversation. But I practically skip out of the room, to my _third_ born. And, even though parent education time isn't over, I sneak back into the room where my second born is playing. She yells out MAMA and reaches towards me, pulling me around the room to show me her newest discovery.