Wednesday, August 20, 2008

So, I went back to work for the first time in a year.

I was put on bed rest when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my daughter. My bed rest wasn't strict, it was more modified due to low fluid. I just needed not to be driving around 200+ miles a day like I was for my job. After our daughter was born, we tried to make it work for me to be a stay at home mom. The numbers seemed like they could work. The money seemed like it was there, but despite 2 raises my husband got....we just haven't been able to cut it.

It broke my heart. I loved staying at home with her. I said over and over it wasn't about HER, it was about me. I felt I deserved it. Damn it! I lost my son. At 40 weeks! I deserve to stay at home with her and spend every single moment soaking in her cuteness and happiness.

But, we decided to try me going back part time at a less stressful position than I had been in. We found a lovely home daycare for her and are on our 3rd week of our new routine. I work about 4 hours a day and the rest I get with her.

It isn't the same, but I am thrilled I got to have 9 months straight with her. Just her and I. She is doing just fine in daycare, has adjusted well.

Me? I am still struggling. I seem to be turning to food to comfort myself (a bad habit I have had my whole life). I don't necessarily love my new position. I regret taking a less stressful position because I miss having more responsibility. I wanted the 'easy' way out at work. (I was lucky enough that my old company welcomed me back with open arms). I miss being with her all the time. I look with longing at the baby and me classes offered we can't take because I am working. I look with longing at the supervisors at my work doing the job I used to do. And do well.

I guess I don't know where I fit anymore.

I haven't known where I fit ever since we lost him. I was a mom, without a baby for so long. Then with my pregnancy with her, I was just focused on that straight for 8 months until she arrived screaming. Now I am a mom with a baby, but still missing my son so much. I don't feel like I have a career like I did.

I just don't know who I am ....and when I feel like that, the instant gratification of food is the only thing that fills me up.


Paige said...

It's hard because you leave work as one person and come back as another. And you've had to do this a couple of times. Big hugs for you.

sara said...

Hey - I've just caught up on your blog. I've always had it in my blogroll, just I think we both stopped updating for a while. Anyway, I love your writing. Going back to work is always hard when your heart is torn. (HUGS)