Born Still but Still Born

Sigh.

I did something completely moronic on Saturday. To explain, we have to back up.

We packed up his stuff in September of 07. 7 months pregnant with her, we have a 2 bedroom home, we needed to make room for her stuff. My mom offered to store everything at her place. As I packed it up, I knew it would be the last time I would ever look at the stuff. I wasn't ready to sell it or donate it yet. But I knew if I do get pregnant again, and it is a boy, we will start all over with boy clothes and boy bedding. Packing up everything was really hard. I had picked out that bedding when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I had stalked ebay for random pieces of the discontinued set. I kept a few of the wall clings. Actually, 3 of them are hanging in her closet (they just look like huge stickers. Little bugs/turtles that matches the bedding). I put one in his memory chest. But, the rest of it, was packed away.

This May, right before his 2nd birthday, we were struggling with money a bit. We wanted to take a trip up north to a condo to celebrate his birthday. We wanted to take her to go with, we want to make this a tradition as we had done it the year before. But, money was tight. I thought long and hard and asked my mom to take the stuff to a child's consignment shop, Once Upon a Child. They have them all over the place. She did it, though it was really hard for her. I just knew I couldn't do it. And my mom did it, because she loves me. But I know she did it with a heavy heart and tears in her eyes. We got some money for his things, and that helped up be able to afford the two night trip for his birthday.

Fast forward to Saturday. I had been on the hunt for a stationary jumperoo for her. I didn't want to buy a new one because I know she will out grow it soon, so I thought aout hitting up a used kid's store. They have them all over, but I was meeting a friend for lunch so I went to one over by her.

Not even thinking.

Not even thinking I was walking into the store where all of his stuff was. I spotted the jumperoo area and walked up the aisle. There was a display to my right...a crib. Filled with the turtle and bug bedding. The valances. The crib skirt. The diaper stacker. The quilt. The clock, the light switch cover and the lamp.

I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and slapped in the face. I stared at it for a minute. I took a step forward and ran my hand over the pieces. I had forgotten about the clock. I had someone make that for me to match his room.

How could I just walk into that store and NOT remember that is where his stuff was? I was on such a hunt for her, I didn't even think. And you know, if I had thought I would have figured maybe it would have been sold. But at least I would have been prepared.

I hadn't really thought about his bedding for a long time. But now, it keeps flashing through my mind. I can see it....but the sad thing is I don't see it in his room like I used it. I see it sitting in a crib at Once Upon a Child. Not even his anymore. Just on sale for $75 for some other little baby. Some other baby will have the cute whimiscal bugs and the turtle with a party hat. The bedding I bought at 7 weeks pregnant because I just couldn't wait.

No great thoughts about it. No wonderful thought to pull it all together. Just the knowledge I am never going back to that store again. I can't handle it.