Born Still but Still Born

I often wonder what people think when they come over to our house. We have two glass cabinets on both sides of our entertainment center. On 2 of the shelves are his things. Foot print molds. His urn. 3 framed pictures. A rose. His 'baby book' which is geared toward loss. Little things people have given us that have been special.

I think if someone came to our house and saw those shelves, they would 'get it'. It is behind glass. In a cabinet. Kind of has an official, special, hands off look.

But then, there is the refridgerator. I love, love, love having a fridge covered in stuff. To me, it makes the kitchen look warm and lived in. Magnets all over the place, random pictures scattered about. I leave my nieces and nephews pictures up, my parent's Chistmas collage of pics from the year stays up year round. A picture of Hub and I from 4 years ago. Pictures of our daughter. Magnets from local establishments. A picture my niece colored for me years ago. A card my parents sent my husband, years ago. Off to the right on the freezer door is a 5x7 photo of him. It is the only picture I have with his hat off.

The company at the hospital that takes the newborn photos and usually charges new parents a bazillion dollars took it. Free of charge. I thought it was a really nice offer and agreed to have his photo taken. We had our own camera and got a lot of pictures, the nurses had a camera and took some. But even in my grief I knew I wanted as many photos as possible. They took him away to have his picture done and sent them to me in the mail. I had promptly forgotten about that extra photo until a month later when it arrived in the mail. I called Hub, all excited that we had another picture. He actually left work early so he could come see it. When he got home, it struck us that he should be racing home to see his son, not a picture of his dead son. It is all so damn sad.

It is a nice picture, I know they did some editting on it, because his head is nice and round. But it is nice to see his hair line, the tops of his little ears (so much like Hub's).

I put one of the copies on our fridge that day, and there it is. I know some people in our extended family struggle with the pictures we have around. It makes them feel sad. It doesn't make us feel sad though. He is just as much a part of our life as our daughter is. Pictures of him keep him real. But I do wonder, when people who don't really know us, or never really knew how "real" he was to us think when they wander into our kitchen. A fridge covered in photos, tons of her and one big one of him. Do they avert their eyes away? Do they look at his cute ears and sleeping eyes? Does it make them uncomfortable?

We have talked about putting the house on the market. We do need to move closer in to the city. I know it won't be happening anytime soon thanks to the housing market tanking, but one of my biggest fears is I know we would have to put away "his" stuff. Someone would see it and it would make them uncomfortable. A picture on the fridge. A teddy bear urn on a shelf...you really don't want to be confronted with that while house shopping. I just am not comfortable shoving these things in a closet. I don't want his picture off the fridge.

I miss him. I am so so so tired of missing him. It never goes away.