Born Still but Still Born

There are so many times that I think about him, that I want to write about him, that amazing thought I know should get written down and then life gets in the way, I am not near my computer and it slips away. So, when I do sit down to create an entry, I feel at a loss.

And while this blog is not about her, it is. It is about loving her and loving him and how they both fit into my life. This blog started long before her but I let it just sit, pretty much empty. It was after her arrival that the feelings came pouring out and I decided I need to continue to write.

So, she is 7 months now and all of a sudden two teeth appeared. I apparently have the world's easiest baby because I had no idea they were about to show. She was kind of cranky one day, but it was on a day where just daddy was in charge and mommy was out charging herself, if you know what I mean! :) I just figured her schedule was out of whack because of the difference in ways of doing things.

So, all of a sudden, a few days later, there were these teeth! I was so excited, I called Hub and told him. She has two teeth! Bottom, front. I dug around her mouth more, feeling their sharp edges...noting on her "first year" calendar the date of her first tooth.

Then I sat on the floor, held my head in my hands, and let the tears fall. With *every* joy surrounding her (which are thousands) comes absolute sadness. Not just because we should have been through this already. That is a big part of it, everything we missed out on with him, we get with her and that is hard a lot of day.

But....because it is already going by way too fast for me.

For the better part of 18 months, I was just wishing time away. I wanted nothing to do with the present and only wanted the future. Well, I got my future. And I have tried, desperately, to put the brakes on. Ever since she was born, I am trying in vain to slow things down. I really think I do a good job soaking in the moments. Laying with her on the floor. Letting her pull my hair, stick her hands in my mouth, making her giggle. Talking long walks with the stroller, dressing her in cute outfits, splashing in the baby tub... but it is all still too fast. I am afraid of it all slipping by. I have wanted this for *so* long, I was robbed of it in the last moments of my pregnancy with him, and I am *not* taking it for granted with her. But why can't I just slow time down? She will not be by baby forever.

What is sad, is I do have a "forever" baby. He will always be my tiny little dude, with sandy blond hair, tiny baby feet, tiny baby fingers.... I so badly wanted to see him grow up. Now I get to see his sister grow up and it all seems too much, too fast.

Talk about confusing, conflicting emotions.