18 Years.

Feels weird to be resurrecting this and posting again. I have purposely left this blog up the past 18 years in case someone is googling and stumbles upon this and needs to find....something. Someone who lived this and survived it. Someone who has thrived and grieved and continued.

But, this year has been hard. Really hard. And now that it is May and graduation season, extra extra hard.

 
It started in September, where friend after friend of mine posted on social media "I cannot believe I have a senior!" There was Senior Sunday posts. And college tours. And last homecoming dances and proms and recitals and band concerts. And "Oh my gosh, it is flying by!" And more senior photos and 18th birthday parties. The mom facebook groups I am in held posts of "my baby is grown up, I cannot believe he is 18!" College decisions and gap years. Plans for the future. Moms posting videos of themselves crying getting ready to send these kiddos off to the world. My algorithm on social media is filled with things like "15 Things of Graduates moms need to know NOW!"  "Get Move in ready for your child's freshman year!"  "4 year colleges aren't for everyone!"  Why? Yeah, I click on those articles sometimes. Out of curiosity for the future or out of curiosity for what I am missing now?

I honestly had no idea how many people I knew with children Curtis' age until this year.

This is it. This is the last year that I can kind of picture what his trajectory would have been. If all things had been "normal" --ya know, followed a typical path-- Curtis would be turning 18 and graduating high school. Sure, maybe we would have had a Young Sheldon situation or a kid who became famous for his killer drumming skills or...heck, dropped out at 16. But most likely, he would be graduating and planning his future. So, this is it. I won't know after this summer what should be. Sure, maybe I could say at 22 he would be graduating college, but everything else is so up in the air. Would he have dated and married young? Had children? Stayed single and traveled the world? Who would he have been?

He would have turned 18 and graduated high school a week apart.

Each post I read I am filled with longing. I don't want my friends to go through what we did, I don't begrudge them their babies--each one of those kids was wanted and celebrated but the longing I feel is really hard this year. Sure, it is always there but it is intense right now. When everyone posts "Can you believe this kid is graduating?" Yes, I can. I feel every one of those 18 years that have just past. Every. Single. One. Each year took me farther away from that baby.

I started planning a graduation party the past week. I started googling garage wall coverings and prices of rentals. For a graduation party that won't happen for two years. Is it because I cannot plan Curtis'? Is it because I know how fast time flies? Is it just because that is my personality who likes to research and plan and have fun anticipating the good stuff?

I know two years isn't that long and soon I will get to do what I am missing this year for my other children.

When Curtis first died, I wrote him a letter each week, it was the way I 'parented' him when he was not with us. Then I planned memorial walks and birthday celebrations for him and put up Christmas trees in his memory. We did so many things, and while I know people remember, they remember differently than I do. I am his mom and that sets me apart from everyone else, plain and simple.

So, as we reach graduation for the class of 2024,  I want to extend my heartfelt congratulations. I know you are sad, I know you are filled with nostalgia for the years gone by--  you had it good. You really did.  I do too, just in a different way.