Born Still but Still Born

I feel like I should post something, it has been over 3 years since my last post. I leave the blog up because in case someone stumbles here through a search....I want them to find my words, my kick count posts...and find something.

When we first lost Curtis in the days and weeks that followed I did so many online searches to find out if people had been able to have more children after a full term stillbirth. I wanted _hope_ that life would get better. That we wouldn't be sitting in the throws of grief forever.

We aren't. We have had two beautiful children who have grown. Who have made us laugh, who make us worry and who are turning into really cool people.

Where are we at 12 years after his death?

I would be lying if I didn't tell you the day after Curtis' 12th birthday I laid in bed and cried for an hour for everything we missed. For everything he missed. For feeling like no one remembers. For feeling like I am doing a crappy job making people remember. For having to rush our birthday traditions into very limited time slots in between activities and commitments for our two living children.

I wish I could do better for him. I wish I would have listened to my instincts that told me there was something wrong, I wish I had fought the doctor harder when he brushed me off. I wish I had done more after he was born, held him more, took video, had a better funeral. I wish I was better at memorializing him.

But I am also know I am only human. I am a good mom. To him and to my other two babies.

Life is good, I promise you. But that grief, second guessing and missing him? Is forever.

Love you, baby boy. Happy 12th.