Wednesday, November 5, 2014

I haven't posted in a long time. Almost a year. I didn't post on his 8th birthday, I didn't post when we missed the walk we had attended since 2006 and I didn't post when a co-worker lost her little boy at 40 weeks.

He is talked about _all the time_. Really, he is. Another co-worker was dealing with a personal loss, her first one really, and she was asking me a lot of questions about grief and what I went through and how I was able to handle it. I can talk about Curtis tenderly but also very matter of fact like. My kids mention him on a regular basis. His "stuff" is around, pictures, a whole curio cabinet of momentos... but there is something about time. I read something recently about how you grieve and grieve and grieve. And then life happens. With each day, another layer gets added on. Pretty soon that pain is buried deep inside of you and it takes work and effort to dig it up. IT is still there and DANG does it still hurt but it is so much work to feel so intently it is just easier to not deal with it. Having two living children, our lives are busy. They are at the ages where life is starting to get crazy. It is more and more layers.

In high school, a friend told me about her baby sister who died. She said on her sister's birthday each year her mom was humming Happy Birthday happily in the kitchen. This mom wrote me a letter years and years later when Curtis died and told me how she threw that baby's bassinet down the steps when she came home without her daughter. I still know this woman and I know how many layers the years have added to that grief and heartache. She has had a good life despite the loss of her daughter.

In a way I am so grateful for those layers the last 8 and half years have added, I am glad I don't live each day in utter misery. Curtis is always there, the grief may be buried but Curtis? He is always at the surface. It is a good place to be. I bought a cute Beanie Boo Angel Bear today. I saw it in the store, big blue eyes with angel wings.... it has a poem about watching over us as we sleep. It came home with me and took its' place in Curtis' curio cabinet.


loribeth said...

Good to see you posting again. :) And I love this post.

Suzanna Catherine said...

I found your blog through Mel's Blog Roundup. This was a very insightful post. You were absolutely correct that time adds layers and after awhile "life happens." I don't think we could survive if the intensity of our grief never deminished. Thank you for this insightful post.

Abby said...

I love this post. Yesterday was my twins 6th birthday. I didn't cry. I don't speak about them as often as I used to and when I do, it's not with the same intensity. Things have changed. I love them and they are very much a part of the family. Their 'stuff' is around. But yes, there are many layers added. I am now parenting living children, I'm back at work, I'm studying and yes, life is happening. I felt so guilty, so alone. Confused by this change. I feel I don't fit in. I'm not a mother who has ever lost a child, but I'm a mother that is not in the intense early stages of grief either... Your post has made me feel 'normal'. I don't need to feel guilty, because this is a natural progression. I still love them. That will never change, and some days I can be hit by a an unbearable wave of grief, but those days are few and far between now. Thank you for posting this. You have reassured me. xx

Aurelia said...

I appreciate this post. I'm only two years out from losing our daughter, and it is so helpful to read your perspective at 8 years. 8 years. I find it comforting to read that Curtis is right there, right at the surface, with you always. I feel that now about my Chiara, but I'm still emerging from the early grief.

Remembering your dear Curtis with you. Thank you for this post. XO