Sunday, January 19, 2014

Holy wow. HOLY WOW

Check out this comment I got on my Kick Counts post:

I know this post is old, but I wanted to thank you for it. I found it while 38 weeks pregnant with my second daughter because I thought her movement was much less than her sister. At 39 weeks 6 days, I noticed she had significantly slowed down. I got 10 movements in an hour, but they were sluggish. I went in to L&D and the on call doctor sent me home after an NST. The next morning, I told my doctor, who induced immediately. She had heart rate variations during labor. Her heart rate dropped to the 60s right before delivery, and when she came out, it was easy to see why. The cord went over one shoulder, around the back of the next, down the other shoulder, and wrapped around her arm so tightly that hand was blue.

This woman, Tricia, did everything right. I like to think this post helped her baby. Helped her tell her doctor something weird was up. I am so glad her little baby is okay.

I know I don't post often, because the farther you get out from loss, the more you feel like you are repeating yourself. "Still gone. Still miss him. Still posting that I feel like a broken record."

Our kids talk about Curtis all the time. They have said cute things, they have said sad things, they have said things that hurt. They are 6 and 4 and I know they don't understand. It will be something small in their radar, something that happened to their mom and dad. What will it be like when/if THEY have kids? Will they realize our heartache?

Time _does_ make things better. It does. Am I over his death? No. But time has helped. Day to day grief has eased and sometimes you feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for someone who may stumble on this blog and think "Well, her baby died and she doesn't even care!" I do, I do care. Go back and read. And when some of my most heart wrenching stuff isn't even written here. I have it privately locked down. I read it and think "wow. I was _angry_. So so so angry." I remember it, I do. I lived it. I grieved it. But it does feel vaguely unfamiliar.

But, being a bit on the "other side" makes me so fearful of grieving again. Part of life, part of love is losing someone.  I am terrified to my very soul of going back to that angry angry place. Because I have been there. I never lost someone before I lost Curtis. I knew death would hurt, but I didn't know how much Then Curtis died. Now, I know how much....and so I worry. I am terrified. I don't want to grieve again. I know it is inevitable...but grief sucks. Living through it sucks. I now know what it feels like and that terror always is just below the surface.

Random post, I know.


SG said...

I'm glad you were able to help another mother advocate effectively for her baby. It's something I try to do whenever I can too.

As another lapsed babyloss blogger, everything you say here rings so true.

Anonymous said...

Hi, i lost my son @32 weeks a month ago. He was my first pregnancy. I gave birth on June 4, 2014. He was stillborn. He was 3.12lbs and 19 inches long. There were no words to describe what i felt that day when we found out he had no more heartbeat, that he already passed away. The pain don't go away. I cry everyday. I do smile and laugh when I'm around with friends but the pain doesn't go away. I cry because I'm hurt, my heart was shattered, its the kind of feeling that very unbearable. Every time i looked at all the pictures we took that day, i wished that i can hold him one more time, kiss him and carry him. There are a lot of questions going through my mind and there is no right answer for me. All i want is to have my baby back. Im dying inside. Babies aren't supposed to die. Its so hurt. He was the love of our lives. He will always be in my heart and never forget him. I love him so dearly, i love him so very much. On top of this, my husband dad just recently passed away. Same month same year. Too much to carry. We are going through hard times and we are hoping that there will be a rainbow after the hard rain.