Saturday, December 29, 2012


Another year is coming to a close, Curtis would be 6 and a half right now. The age of the children lost in CT a few weeks ago. I couldn't stomach the coverage. To say that makes it sound like I am insensitive and turned a blind eye to it all, and I didn't. I followed a lot on Friday and Saturday and then, the panic/anxiety attacks came flooding back and I had to stop. My heart raced, my head was spinning. My thoughts raced with no control. If you have never had a panic attack, you cannot imagine what it is like. I hear people say 'I had a panic attack when I couldn't find my keys!' No, no you didn't. Because panic attacks feel like a very real medical problem. As in, call an ambulance, something is gravely wrong. I suffered from them a lot when I was pregnant with Cole and after. I got them under control but it took years and a lot of work. But every once in awhile, they come flooding back. A picture of a little blonde hair, blue eye girl from Sandy Hook did it. She looked so much like Claudia. Their innocent is horrible.

When I hear stories.... Like the recent one told to me of a mom who lost a baby to stillbirth and then later lost a son due to a freak accident involving him being hit by a snowplow...I just want to rage at the universe. HOW is this fair? Haven't we suffered enough? What about those parents in CT who just had their babies taken away in the most safe place I can think of? My grief for Curtis is manageable now. To the point where I cannot imagine those intense days. When I read back on what I wrote and think "Wow! I was hurting." My biggest fear in life, right now, is my dying. I don't want to leave my children before they can remember me. That is the source of my panic most of the time. I know at this age their memories are fleeting and if something happened, I would just be someone in pictures with them, sure they would wonder and grieve what should have been...but I want them to remember how much I loved them. I want them to remember my hugs and the things we did. And when I think about them not having that, it leads to anxiety.

And then there is the fear of them leaving, much like the children in CT. Curtis' death brought the harsh reality of life into my world. Sounds funny, doesn't it? But before losing him, the most grief I had was for a pet. That was very real, don't get me wrong. But I had never lost anyone important. All I know is losing a baby on his due date and an early miscarriage. That is what I know. I don't know losing a parent, grandparent or a 6 year old child who was at school. I cannot wrap my head around any of it and pray I don't have to.( I know I will lose my grandparents sooner than later. They have lived long lives and while it always hurts to lose someone you love, I feel like this will be 'different').

This post is all over the place. I don't even know what I am trying to say anymore. We wondered, like we do every year, what Curtis would have liked for Christmas. I wandered to the lego aisle, Craig looked a the r/c cars. Maybe he would have been a nerf kid. I don't know. I wish I did. We bought a r/c motorcycle and donated it to our local toys for tots. This world is harsh, cold and so many bad things happen. But then I look at my children so full of joy, eating popcorn and watching a cartoon right now and I just want to hang on as tight as I can and take it day by day. I pray we all stay safe.


loribeth said...

(((hugs!!))) In retrospect, I have always had anxious tendencies... but when I had my first full-blown panic attack, I honestly thought it was a heart attack (I high-tailed it to my doctor's office and he told me otherwise). It is an awful feeling. :p

Emma Saperstein said...

Hi Chentell- I really enjoyed your blog and I am so glad you are telling your story. I'm an artist in Chicago working on a project right now about stillbirth and miscarriage and I would love to chat with you about it, if you are interested! you can read about it at, or on facebook you can look for "The Bundle Project."

Anonymous said...

Do you have a new email? I tried to email the yahoo account and it was sent back to me. Thanks!