Thursday, May 26, 2011

(Corss posted to my other blog.)

I am trying to wrap my head around 5 years.

A friend of mine with a little boy who was born a few weeks after Curtis posted recently that her little guy has his first loose tooth. Seriously? Curtis would be old enough to lose a tooth?

I was packing up Claudia's room this week and at the back of her closet, on the wall, I have 3 wall decals I placed there. They are from Curtis' room. A turtle, a snail, and a ladybug. When I took down his room and turned it into her room, I took a few of those decals and placed them at the back of her closet. I would catch of glimpse of them now and again. Claudia never noticed them until her closet was completely empty and she started laughing at the silly turtle with a hat and the bugs. She wanted to take them down and pack them in a box and take them to the new house. For her new closet. I think that is a good idea.

Each year I say I am going to handle the 2 months leading up to his birthday better, but I don't. It is a subconscious thing, I think. Because when it is here, I realize just how badly I have self destructed without even realizing it until it is past. So, we are just going to take a deep breath and hold on.

5 years.

He would go to kindergarten this fall. He would be playing soccer or hockey. He would be riding a bike. He would have a loose tooth. A dimple like Craig. He would be into the new Cars movie and want a party with his friends.

Or would he?

I don't know.


Ya Chun said...

I love the decals in the back of the closet.

Five is mind-boggling. Remembering Curtis with you.

Hope's Mama said...

I don't know either. I wish I had the answers for you. For all of us. The not knowing is just so damn hard and at almost three years out, I feel no better at coping with this aspect of our loss.
I'm so sorry he's not here. Five years. It once seemed completely unfathomable that I'd ever last that long, but I know with girls like you ahead of me on this path of grief, I can do it. Missing Curtis with you, and all you were both cheated of in life.

Anonymous said...

I didn't get a chance to stop by and post yesterday but my thoughts were with you and Curtis and the rest of your family. {{{hugs}}}