Thursday, January 27, 2011

Today has been a no good rotten day. Actually, this whole week has been rotten. Not at home, but at work. I have a job I truly enjoy but as with all things you pour a lot of yourself can be stressful. It can hurt. It can cause you to want to throw your hands in the air and walk away from it all.

Lately, I have been thinking about my first moments with Curtis. Not when I was pregnant with him, but right after the nurse laid him on my chest after he was born. He was so quiet. So still. His eyes were closed...and I was scared of him. I was so scared of his little, still body, a body I had felt move at one point but now....was still.

Basically, I had poured myself into this pregnancy and him and when it got hard,  I walked away from it all.

Just for a moment. Just for a moment. I swear, it was just for a moment. But the guilt of what I felt in those moments, being scared of him, eats me up more than any of my other regrets. The nurse took him away and cleaned him up. He came back all wrapped up, cozy, like any newborn baby. I held him. I shared him. I had to make the decision to eventually say goodbye to his little body and never, ever, ever hold him again.

These moments have been looping in my mind lately. I don't know why. I don't know why four and a half years later I can't forgive myself of being scared of him. Being scared of what was ahead. Sometimes it still feels like too much. And I want to throw my hands in the air, and walk away. But I can't. Because, like all things we truly enjoy and all things that are worth pouring ourselves into....there are moments where you know it is completely worth it.


Ya Chun said...

I didn't know what to do with Serenity's body either. It's not like I ever touched a dead relative's body at a funeral. So I didn't know if I should touch, let alone hold, her. It was a morbid thing that I was not prepared for. Who would be?

It might get easier as life goes on, but it still is with us.... xoxo

Hope's Mama said...

I absolutely understand. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see Hope. I mean I was still reeling from the fact I had to give birth. Couldn't they just knock me out and make it all go away? Then when I was in labour, not far from pushing, the Ob asked if I wanted to hold the baby when she was born, and I said no. But once she was out, I practically snatched her, so strong was the mothering instinct. But. I was still a bit afraid of her. I never fully unwrapped her. I never looked at every inch of her body. And while she was passed around and held by many family members, I do remember saying that was enough and asking people to put her down. I also asked people to stop taking photos, as I thought it was becoming morbid. How I wish I could go back and whisper in my ear to not be so afraid and to cherish those precious moments, as that was all I would get. The enormity of it all hadn't sunk in at that point.
This post just makes me so sad. I'm so sad for our babies. I'm so sad for us.

Missy said...

You are so not alone. I immediately said no to seeing Chai, but the hub insisted. I wouldn't hold him at first either and when I was holding him I bawled because my arms grew weary from the weight of him. I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

newyear said...

I know how you feel too... we had decided to hold our little one when she was delivered... but I can remember screaming inside myself when she was delivered that maybe I could't do it. I squeezed my eyes shut and couldn't open them.
My husband kept holding my hand and the midwife asked me again whether I wanted to hold her and I said Yes... but still couldn't open my eyes.
Then when I finally opened them... she was in my arms and I couldn't close my eyes all night just holding her
.... but I still have trouble looking at the photos we took.
Everyone says it will get easier for us
but a year on... those memories still pierce me.
Love your blog from Australia :)) I'm new to all of this.... you and many others have inspired me to start my own blog and tell my story, and share my journey will you all :) Sorry to hear about your loss.
Love always,
New Year Mum xoxo

Kristi said...

Hope's Mama touched a little on the precious moments, that at the time we didnt know to be so precious. And because we have so few moments with our babies, it seems the bad ones play over and over in our heads. I barely remember being in the hospital with my first born, but could tell you everything about our 2nd visit to Labor and Delivery.

I wish you peace, and love, and hope that the beautiful moments you had with Curtis fill your mind with smiles, and your heart with love!!

Sarah said...

I was afraid of Abbey, too. You were not alone in your feelings.