Monday, January 17, 2011

Funeral Clothes.

I went through my closet recently, pulling out stuff to donate. Stuff that doesn't fit. Stuff I don't wear anymore.... I tend to hang on to things for sentimental reasons. There is the dress I wore to our rehearsal dinner. There is the pair of jeans I wore on our first date. (After 4 pregnancies, 3 kids, 4 surgeries  two of which were csections and gaining and losing weight over and over again I will NEVER fit into again). Then there is the long flowy skirt and brown sweater top I wore to Curtis' funeral. I remember, very clearly, standing in the dressing room at JC Penny's trying it on. It was 3 days after I have given birth. I was all post partum. Still looked 6 months pregnant. I had nothing that fit. The skirt had an elastic waist. The top fit. I cried in the dressing room. This was not how I had expected the third day after giving birth to go. I wanted to be dressing and changing my baby boy. Not picking out clothes for his funeral.

But, I did. And, a mere 10 days later, I had to wear those clothes again to another funeral of a life that was taken way to suddenly.

So, since those two funerals those clothes had sat in my closet. Why? I don't know. I have cleaned out my closet numerous times since. Those clothes are too big for me now. I don't even like them that much. I bought them out of necessity. But I have hung on to them. Because they are a part of a memory. They are part of my journey through losing Curtis. So, there they sat.

I stared at them. I took them off the hanger. I am not attached to them. But they are a symbol, a symbol of a part of my life that is all too important.

But they are just clothes. Just clothes I wore, on two really really hard days. Clothes I picked out to say goodbye to my son. Clothes I wore when I stood up in front of friends and family and said 'Don't feel too sorry for us. We got to meet and hold our son.'

I added those clothes to my donation pile. It is weird to do so after looking at them for the last 4 and a half years, just hanging off to the side. But it is okay. They are just clothes.

Right? Then why did it feel so weird?


Ya Chun said...

I hang on to clothes for sentimental reasons to. But this year I am determined to clean out the attic storage! It probably will take a year...

I hope those clothes go to someone who needs them - to start a new job and for something exciting and life-changing. Something positive.

And take the bag before you change your mind!

Kristen said...

In many ways, it's like the clothes for my Dad. Much of his wardrobe is still hanging in his closet at Mom's house. At this point, she's not ready to get rid of them, and I'm not either. I'm sure a time will come that our hearts have healed enough to the point when we can part with (most)of those items. But that time is not yet here. And at that point, they will bless someone else.

Hope's Mama said...

I paid over $200 for the dress I got for Hope's funeral (she was dead but damn I wanted to do her proud and look good) so I'm not sure I can throw it out. Opposite to you, it doesn't fit as it is way too small now. Another baby later and there is no way I could squeeze myself in to it. I still wear the shoes I got and sometimes carry the handbag. I also got a little pink cardigan to go over the top that still gets a wear from time to time. So attached am I to that dress, I had it hanging on the outside of my closet for about 6 months after she died. I couldn't even put it away.
It is funny the things we get attached to. Funny in a not funny way, which I know you understand.

Anonymous said...

I still have Emma's funeral outfit in my closet, and like you - no longer fit into it, but it seems wrong to throw it out. I also had to go shop to shop - bent over at the waist in pain to find "the perfect" outfit, and nothing was good enough. I just cant throw it away... Her 3rd angelversary is on Thursday.