Born Still but Still Born

We have had quite the holiday season so far. We have had a lot of fun activities and also a lot of issues. such as blizzards ruining plans and stomach flu wiping three of us out last weekend and this week!

On Wednesday Craig and I took the kids to see Santa. We had to, twice, cancel a breakfast with Santa. First time due to 20 inches that dumped on us and the second time because Claudia was throwing up. So, on Wednesday Craig and I took them. It is a different kind of Santa thing, he spends five or so minutes getting them to warm up to him. Sitting on the floor with them, chatting with them before the picture. They had great methods for getting Cole on Santa's lap without him even realizing there was a strange man with a huge beard holding him.

Honestly, it was one of the cutest things ever. Claudia loved him, Cole did fabulous. Even when he swiveled his head around and saw who was holding him, no screams. Santa made him laugh and all was right.

I am pretty used to it now. I had a fleeting thought of 'Curtis should be here' but it wasn't overwhelming. Last year was Cole's first Christmas and I was really overjoyed he was HERE, he was SAFE. I cried after we took them to see Santa and Craig said "One is missing?" and I shook my head. That honestly wasn't it. I was relieved and happy to see two children with Santa.

It is hard not to feel guilty. I had a hard day a few weeks ago, randomly bursting into tears over Curtis. Those days are far and few in between but a lot of it was the guilt I feel for moving forward. But, I know, I have no reason to. Curtis is just as loved as when we first had him. His death is just part of our lives and that is the only capacity we have had him for four and a half years. Cole and Claudia are here so of course we are going to live their lives with them.

I don't even know what I am trying to say. With each passing year, it gets better. It really does. That doesn't mean I don't miss Curtis....but having Claudia and Cole with us to brighten our days... watching them grown by leaps and bounds continues to fascinate me.

Curtis, I miss and love you. Though we parted ways too soon I know I feel joy at a much deeper level because you are in our lives. Merry Christmas, baby boy.