Born Still but Still Born

Dear Curtis,

Happy 4th birthday, baby boy.

We miss you. I can write a bunch of long sentences about life with you and life without you. I can write about how we are coping, how we continue to live and honor your memory. I can write and write and write...but it boils down to one simple thing.

We miss you.

Since your last birthday, we became a big brother again. Your little brother was born in October. Just like with your sister, it was such a happy time. We know how blessed we were to bring him home. We never, ever, take that for granted. We know walking out of the hospital with a baby isn't a given.

Your sister is starting to become aware of your presence. We know she doesn't "get" it. But she calls the teddy bear she made on your birthday her "Curtis bear". She looks at my necklace hand stamped with 3 precious names on it and says "Curtis, Cole, Claudia. Mama's babies." She looks at your picture. She will know you. She will know that you are a part of our family.

You are four today. I try to wrap my head around having a four year old. I can't. You are still the little baby I held so carefully in my arms. I wish we had more time, Curtis. I wish I could have seen you develop into your personality. I wish I could see you open Christmas presents. I wish we could have a bowling part with 5 screaming boys....

But we can't. And because of that, we miss you. We miss the little baby we held in our arms and we miss the boy you never had a chance to grow into.

You are so loved. You are remembered with sweet smiles, sad tears, and wonderful memories. We continue to make memories in your name. You may not be in our arms, but you are forever in our hearts. We miss you.

My favorite saying, one I will repeat time and time again:

We are richer, by far, to have help you a moment than to have never held you at all.

Love,

Mommy