Saturday, December 27, 2008

Well, I made it through.

We made it through.

It really was such a nice few days, Christmas eve and Christmas. Craig gave me a beautiful Willow Tree Figure called "Guardian" I had never seen it before and asked him "Is it for Claudia or for Curtis?" He said it was up to me. I said I wanted it to be for Curtis and he said that is why he bought it. I then started to cry and he looked a bit horrified. ;) I mean, he is *so* used to me crying but he doesn't like to be the one to make me cry. It just means so much to me when anyone takes 2 minutes out of their day to remember him.... and to have something tangible? Amazing.

Here is the figure:
I will admit to being very hurt when I opened up an ornament from my grandparents that had our family names listed on it, and absent was Curtis. I just cannot hang that on my tree. He is forever my child and forever a part of this family. I know they don't get it, and quite frankly grew up in a different era of sweeping things under the rug.... but I don't care. I want him remembered.
It was hard with the Christmas pictures. The comments about "Let's get a picture of all of the grandkids together..." That just can never happen. In my eyes, that just can never happen.
My mom got us an ornament for Curtis' tree, but it was one we already had. She felt really bad because she had really looked hard and tried to find a special one. But I told her over and over how much it meant. She was able to return it and find another one we both liked. I am excited to hang it on his tree though.
Claudia was spoiled. But, Craig and I had a big hand in that. We didn't mind.
It was more December 26th when I broke down. That is the day I allowed myself to cry, that is the day I allowed myself to say how unfair it all is, how sick I am of grieving, of how life should be so different. How that the picture with the 5 grandkids should be a picture of 6. How if one more person says "look at all the granddaughters they have you think they would be one more boy..." I am going to go absolutely berserk.
But, Christmas itself was filled with joy and laughter. Happy kids, good food, and twinkling lights.
The good. December 25th. The bad, December 26th. You take the good with the bad, right?
Only because I have no choice.


Hope's Mama said...

I so wish things could be different for you Craig and Claudia, too. We'll always miss Curtis here with you. Miss him and remember him.

Kristi said...

The Guardian is lovely. I have a friend who collects those figurines and I just love them.

Four Wonders Mommy said...

Does the guardian prepresent Curtis in heaven watching over you or you as his forever mommy? It can go both ways, huh? Either way, that was a perfect present--great job Craig!

Thank you for sharing your blog with me. It has help me in my professional life as well as personal.

I have thought about you and Craig quite often over the past two years have wondered how you are doing. I guess I don't know why Mike is not more consistant in his friendships but I was sad to learn of Curtis and is constently in my prayers; even if you are a distant friend of mine.

You are a wonderful writer and know that you are doing something so great for others in your situation. To know their feelings are real and VALIDATED.

Again, thank you for sharing your journey with us. Give Claudia a kiss for me and Craig a big bear hug!

gitz said...

My friends that lost their 11 year old daughter to cancer five years ago still have trouble doing a family photo for the Christmas card. It's that fine line of wanting to keep living and moving forward and wanting to go back. I'm so sorry that's something you have to go through.

Kris said...

Thank you, thank you, than you for sharing. This means so much to me. No one ever mentions or remembers my Francie except my neighbor who has a special mass said on her birthday. It means so much to me. It's been four years for me and sometimes it hurts like it was yesterday. I miss her.