Friday, October 24, 2008

You know...I just am really missing him all of a sudden tonight. I am working with a young boy who is roughly the same age Curtis would be and it is odd to have a reminder day in and day out "this is how big he would be. This would be the things he would be doing." Because Curtis is forever a newborn to me. He is forever a little baby. So a physical reminder is odd. It isn't horrid or anything, it isn't even sad....it is just so many "what if"s and what "should be"s....I think these would have been the holidays he would have really "gotten" it. I think this would have been the Halloween he would have been running to the doors to say "TwickorTweat". There is always this hole in our lives of the way it should be. Quite frankly, sometimes it sucks worse than others.

I struggle with my Faith in all of this, that is a different post for a different day. I know some people feel this is the way my life was suppose to go. That this all happened for a reason...and I don't really believe that. Because while I can point out 101 wonderful things that happened in the wake of his death I never believe that is WHY he died...but, taking me out of the equation: why was HIS life taken? Why was he given such a brief time? Why did he have to suffer and die inside of me as his life source got cut off? What reason is good enough that he didn't get to life his life? What did he have to "learn"? He was a tiny baby who needed his mommy and daddy. The one time he needed me, I couldn't save him. Even though I had the tools to do so. It wasn't on purpose and I know that. That is what gets me through the day....

Yes, I have a lot of unresolved guilt and I know I always will.

Ugh, I don't even know where I am going with this post. Some days I have great perspective on everything we lost and moving through it all and other days or moments, I don't.

Tonight; I am sad for everything he missed. His first ice cream cone. His first baseball game. Pumpkin patch trips. Getting the present you wanted SO BADLY for Christmas. First kisses. First concerts. First dates. Getting a new puppy... all of the things that make life so much fun.

I am sad for him he didn't get any of this. I am sad for us, but right now, I am more sad for him.

4 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry that today is hard. I struggle with the Why's too.

Sally said...

I so understand you on this, and I'm much newer to this babyloss thing than you are. Everyone is so sad for US! But I am so sad for HER. She died, not me, but then I always say the old me died with her that day, so there is that to mourn as well. And yes, while it might not technically have been my fault either, I will still always feel partly responsible. When things were going wrong, I was the only one who could have known. I have a life time to carry this.
Hope tomorrow you feel better xo

Choofy Mama said...

so sorry mama. i totally hear you-our 2nd daughter was born still @ 41w last year. She should have been running around last night with her big sister (3) and having fun. Mairi was pretending that Catti was t&t'ing with her, it broke my heart.

gitz said...

I love your honesty in this post. I guess I also don't think his death had to happen for a reason or a great purpose... in that sometimes life just creates circumstances where bad things happen. It's ugly and unfair and incomprehensible. I think beautiful things can come out of pain; like relationships and support and beautifully written blogs that touch others in pain. But resulting beauty doesn't make the tragedy seem ok. It just is.

Does that make sense, or did I just talk in circles?