Thursday, September 25, 2008

Deviation from "our story"

I know on my last deviation post, I waxed a nice poetic thing about baby showers and how glad I am I had one. And, I truly am. It was the only baby shower I had. I didn't have one for our daughter. (Well, that is not true. I had a surprise dinner with a few friends about 5 months after she was born. I cherish this VERY MUCH). It was the only shower I had with family and the whole kit and caboodle.

But, I am also over 2 years out from my loss and I can look back on these things with a better view. I do understand that. And I want people to know that wherever you are with your grief, it is okay. It is okay to be angry you had a baby shower. That is okay.

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and the topic came 'round to Curtis. We were talking about baby showers (a friend of hers told her "that is why you shouldn't have a shower before the baby is born. And we launched into the conversation on why I am happy we had one.)

She had the horrible task of doing things with his clothes. I made a post awhile back about "running" into some of his things. At this point, she has 95% of them gone. She is holding a garage sale with my grandma this week, and I guess the few items she had left, she put out. A very pregnant woman came up and started going through them. My mom had to walk away when she came up to buy them. She said the woman was beaming, so excited at the finds of these Brand! New! Clothes! So cute.

Choked up, she tells me: "I don't know why, but that little blue dinosaur hooded sweatshirt and pants, they just make me ache."

I gasp.

"That was one of the first things I bought for him when I found out he was a boy. "

"Maybe that is why. It is so cute."

Through my tears I tell her, "I am kind of mad it is one of the last things to go. That is one of the cutest things we had!"

She laughs through her own tears and says "If you had seen the look on this woman's face, sweetie, you would understand why it was the last one left. It was like it was meant for her. Because she cherished that outfit. She was so excited about it, showing it to her mom. She had that innocent glow. Ya know?"

Even though we were crying, even though I would give anything to have dressed my son in that outfit (it was REALLY cute) it does help. It does help to know that at least some of his stuff went to people who adored it as much as I did.

After Curtis was stillborn, I had a few friends who were having boys around the time. I sent them a few of his items, with a note that it wasn't suppose to be sad, it was suppose to be hopeful and I was happy for them. I never heard much from these people about these things. Just a standard "thanks for the ______" thank you note. It hurt. It really did. It took a lot for me to send stuff away in the first months after our loss, and I was expecting a bit more. Maybe people thought it was creepy. But I went to his room, picked out things, packaged it up, and mailed it. All the time sobbing. So, when it was met with a cold reception, I didn't do it again. It hurt my feelings. I wanted people to understand that took a lot for me to do that. I wanted them to cherish the things I had bought for my baby boy and ended up sending away.

So, in a way, even though this woman doesn't know the story behind this cute outfit, and may wonder why in the world this outfit was never worn, at least she will enjoy it and take hundreds of pictures of her newborn son in it and never ever know the true story.


Mrs. Spit said...

To give of Curtis' clothes to another wee one, that was the deepest and most tender of gifts. And I'm sorry that it wasn't appreciated. Truly.

The first baby sweater I knit after Gabe was received with such joy and care and concern, and is so often worn. I'm sorry this didn't happen for you.

Cara said...

How brave. I am a giver...but that wasn't in me. I boxed them and stored them. I was blessed with two more girls and I took great interal pleasure at looking at Bear and thinking "her sister's oufit" or swing, or crib...or whatever. That phase didn't last long as they all became Bear's (obviously) but feeling like there was some connection, even fabric, between them was what I needed.

The only one I never used was her homecoming outfit.

Kristi said...

Did your mom tell the pregnant lady about Curtis? I think, if I was pregnant and someone told me Curtis' story I would cherish the outfit even more and think of that beautiful angel everytime I put it on him. Sort of like having your own guardian angel... though that may seem sill to say over "just an outfit." But that's me, and thats how I think.

If you had sent some of Curtis' things to me (I haven't been pregnant in 19 years so I'm thinking that's a NO! LOL) I'd think of both of you every time I saw it.

As it is now, I'll think of him everytime I see a dinosaur. I've been taking stock of life alot lately and I'm trying to take more notice of things that don't involve me. Things that would normally be outside the realm of my consciousness, but there are stories like yours out there for a reason and I just believe in "every life counts." He might not have taken a breath outside of your body, but he was here and he counts.

I hope that doesn't sound too wierd. Maybe it does. I just believe God's trying to make me pay attention to some things lately. So I'm listening

Christine Marie said...

I'm sorry people didn't cherish your gifts -- or if they did, that they didn't convey that to you. I can't even imagine how much energy and emotion that involved. But know that even if they didn't receive it properly, your giving was definitely a piece of the beautiful, beautiful way you have built his legacy.

Natalie said...

That sucks. I didn't give away any of my stuff.... I packed it away for next time. I was sad going through it, but I couldn't let any of it go.... I loved all of them. I packed away one outfit of his in his special box for safekeeping.

I too am very glad I had my baby shower. The big one, the happy one. I won't have another. I'll have a post-birth celebration for the next one.... but more than likely never another baby shower. So I treasure the memory.

Nichole said...

I'll never look at the new "second hand" clothes the same way again...