Saturday, May 24, 2008

It is quiet in the house right now. Hub is gone, has to go up north to help his family put in the docks. Baby girl is sleeping in her crib after waking at some ungodly hour. I guess it isn't completely quiet because the dog is chomping on her food.

I haven't had a dream about him. People on my grief board talk about having peaceful dreams, a way of their baby telling them they are okay.

Well, I take that back. I had one dream that is clearly etched in my mind. It was back to May of 06 and I had just given birth. I was told I needed to find him to say goodbye before they took him away. The whole dream was me searching for him. The hospital was some huge house with ladders, and hidden enteries, and lofts. So I was looking and looking for him. I needed to say goodbye, but it was a wild goose chase. I could not find him anywhere. My heart was racing, I knew I needed to see him. I knew he was gone, but in this dream it was one more chance to see him. Of course, I woke up.

And that dream makes me remember sitting in the funeral home, trying to decide what we were going to do for his service. Hub was under the impression we were going to see the body again, like a viewing. I was under the impression that we weren't. So I gently touched him arm and told him no. He nodded, and agreed....but now it is a huge regret. Poor Hub. When we said goodbye to his little body, he didn't know it was forever. I did. But now that dream haunts me, much like I am sure Hub is haunted by not truly knowing it was the last time.

I am desperate to see my little boy again. I am climbing through the house, looking behind doors, wondering where in the hell he is.... and then I remember. I already had my goodbye.

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