Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My birthday was Saturday, the 9th.

I was remembering what my birthday was like 5 years ago. Craig's gram's birthday was the 10th. In 2006, she turned 90 and her family had planned a large party for family and friends. Craig's extended family was flying in from Florida to this party.... it had been in the works for a year.

In fact, in December of 2005, I was just a few months pregnant with Curtis. Had yet to know he was a boy, hadn't felt him move yet. Craig and I were celebrating our 1st anniversary and briefly spent some time in Florida and I got to meet Craig's extended family. I remember saying to them "When we see you for the party, the baby will have been born."

Her party was on my actual birthday. I remember my arms literally aching for the baby I was not getting to show off at that party. Curtis would have been just a month old. I had already bought him an outfit to wear to the party.... I didn't know what to do with myself. I was grieving so hard and missing him so much at that party. There were so many people, I felt lost in the sea of friends and family, just standing back thinking I shouldn't be blending into the crowd. I should be showing off my baby boy. It was a hard time.

I remember the card Craig's gram gave me for my birthday that year. I know I still have it. She had a hand written note that said "next year will be better. It HAS to." I can still hear her voice. Craig told me once that she had said that it was the worst news she had ever received when she heard Curtis died. This was a woman who buried two husbands and lost countless friends and family members.

By my next birthday in 2007, I was pregnant with Claudia. We are lucky enough that she got to meet and know Claudia. We lost Gram in 2009, just a few weeks before I learned I was pregnant with Cole. He is the only great grandchild she didn't get to meet.

Then again, you have to wonder if she didn't send him to us.


Becky said...

beautiful post.

Hope's Mama said...

I'm in awe that you still attended. I know with events like that, you just have to go. In a way I'm glad I didn't have any big events like that to force me out from the comfort of my own four walls. Still, I can remember that empty arms feeling like it was yesterday.
I've also been told when my grandparents got the news was one of the worst days of their lives, and they both lived through the war in Europe. I felt awful to have "done that" to them even though rationally, I know it wasn't my fault as such. Grandpa died 9 months after Hope did. I wish he'd met Angus, though he did know I was pregnant when he went.