Thursday, April 14, 2011

I have come here a thousands times to post in the last month and I start....and stop.

It is the time of year where so many memories come flooding back. You would think after 5 years April and May wouldn't make me as sad as they do, but it hasn't happened. It is better, sure. And due to the traditions we have set up in Curtis' memory I _do_ look forward to his birthday.

But I wonder.

I wonder what I was thinking April 14th of 2006. I had access to a journal I kept online when I was pregnant with him, kind of like a blog. I remember combing through my pregnancy journal after he died reading what I wrote and chastising myself for having hope this baby would live. Heck, EXPECTING him to live. Because at 35 weeks pregnant a live baby was a given. Correct?

So, tonight I looked.

I didn't make an entry on April 14th, 2006. But I did on April 19th, 2006. So I read it. I was getting the room ready to go.
".....I then start playing with the room and rearranging it and started putting the bugs on the wall. (This was very systematic too. I didn't want too many swirls and stars in one area and not enough in others. I am a dork) I just put together the dresser last night (Tuesday)...but we have a good spot for it. I haven't done anything with the bedding or stuff yet. So it is a work in progress! Picture time:

The bookshelf (the truck on it was his Easter basket and on top is bookends. Monday I went out and bought 3 baby books so I could put them up. I am so excited!"

I should probably stay away from what I wrote. It just screams YOU ARE SO NAIVE to me.... I know I prepared a room/bought stuff for both Claudia and Cole. But when I did that stuff, I wasn't so naive. I was preparing for the best case scenario and pushing through absolute fear. And with Curtis, I just assumed.


viktorygin said...

I don't find anything nieve about what you did/do surrounding your precious Curtis. Ofcourse we expected our children to live, to come into our lives and fullfill our dreams. That is called hope, love, parenting. I am deeply sorry for your loss and for the pain that you still do and will carry with you forever. Our children will always be a part of us and we are bigger in the heart for it, and more compassionate towards the world. Our children made better people of us. My heart is with you.

Hope's Mama said...

Yep, I know. I know.

Sarah said...

This is exactly when I start up too. May is such a weird month for me b/c I know what is at the end of it.

I unfortunately didn't keep much of a journal but when I do reread through what I wrote, I feel so naive as well.