One year ago today, I entered the hospital. Pregnant with my second son and terrified out of my mind. I wouldn't leave for 3 weeks...but when I left, I had a teeny tiny baby boy to show for my, my husbands, my doctors, and my family's efforts. It was truly a team event. I know this...but his pregnancy was the loneliest I have ever felt. I remember pacing the hospital room in the middle of many nights in a full blown anxiety attack. Waiting to hold him in my arms. Wanting to hear his cry.

Here we are...almost a year later. Our Cole is almost one year old. I walk through the baby aisles at Target the teeny tiny baby aisles. With the newborn shoes and the newborn onesies. Cole isn't that anymore. (Heck, at 30 lbs..yes 30 lbs...he hasn't been that for awhile!). Cole is approaching the "toddler" age. Thankfully, he isn't toddling anywhere yet and I am okay with that.

But it is amazing. Amazing on how fast a year can go. We have an almost 3 year old and an almost one year old. They make us laugh, make us smile, and make us regularly lose sleep.

Given what happened to us...losing Curtis like we did... things couldn't have turned out better for us after his loss. Having two children in our arms. Having a solid, fun, happy marriage. We have been lucky. The road to get here was hard. Their pregnancies were horrid. Cole was a hard newborn with colic and reflux. But... things are good. Really good. I will miss having a teeny tiny baby to shop for teeny tiny things for...but it is okay. I want my children to grow up. I have given my children life so they can LIVE it. I couldn't do that for Curtis, I couldn't give him the life I thought I was. So, instead of clinging too tightly and not letting my children find their wings, I resolve to make sure my children get to experience life. I plan to enjoy each and every moment. They are already such neat and interesting people...I am so excited to know them as adults.

But not too soon, okay? I am not ready to shop in the big kids' section, much less the tween.... living in the moment is a good thing. And Curtis? As I am watching Claudia and Cole...I will carry your heart....

One of the hardest things about being a parent to a child who has died is ....well, you are still their parent. You still want to talk about them. You want to DO things for them. You want to brag about them. I know there are some people who prefer not to mention the children they have lost... but not me. Curtis is an everyday part of my life.

Anytime I have the chance to do something in his memory, I jump at it. The walk is the one time a year I ask/beg/plead with other people to remember Curtis with me. Our families are great, they willingly participate in the annual walk/run with us. I hate fundraising, I really do....but for Curtis, I do. I have spent the last month making my facebook status updates and asking people to donate in memory of Curtis. I ordered personalized tshirts for everyone walking with us (they turned out GREAT!). It is the one time of year I push...I push people to remember our baby boy.

Last week, the founder of the Missing GRACE Foundation asked me to come and record some radio spots promoting the walk. They have looped on a local radio station. I cannot tell you how excited I was to be able to do this...talk about Curtis? Get to record something talking about Curtis that lots of people will hear? You bet!! Anything to talk about my boy.

Here are the clips:
http://hopeandheartsrun.org/minnesota/RadioChantal.mp3
http://hopeandheartsrun.org/minnesota/RadioChantalJulie.mp3

It has been a hard month. My little boy should have started preschool this week. The what ifs ALWAYS haunt. But events like this...well, they ease the pain a bit. We get to take Cole to his first Hope and Hearts walk (well, last year he was there....just in utero!) and take Claudia to her THIRD. We will have a team of friends and family with us.

In grief, there are blessings.