When I was pregnant with my son, my sis in law gave me about 4 boxes of newborn to 24 month clothes from her boys. Now that I am figuring out what to do with his room I had to decide what to do with this stuff. My mom offered to store all the bedding, clothes etc in their crawl space and I knew there was no point storing all these used clothes (that went through 2 boys).

So I went through the boxes last night to make sure there wasn't anything gender neutral. The Epilepsy Foundation comes by about every other month and takes away unwanted stuff. They are coming today so I needed to get the stuff on the curb. I am not attached to this stuff either way. I pulled out a few things, just in case. I went back up to to room and decided to start making piles of what I can keep for this baby and what should be packed away. I have a few special outfits that were just his that I have kept. But, the rest of this stuff....I can't.

Well, in his closet is outfit after outfit. Very boy. Very blue. And there, on the other side of the closet is two tiny pink outfits my husband hung up after we found out our next baby will be a girl. The rest of the girl clothes I have shoved in the downstairs closet but hub got something from his parents and hung it up. It looked *so* out of place. I have a closet organizer that is blue, blue crib sheets, blue shoes, blue hats, blue boppy, outfit after outfit... and then these two tiny pink outfits. It was really really weird.So I started making piles and remembering. The turtle outfit one friend sent, the turtle outfits another sent, the stuff another sent, the "future golfer" outfit I got at my shower, this cute outfit I bought off of someone on ebay, tiny little shoes, hats, bibs, so many onesies...seriously, a lot of those. One that said "I love my mommy". The on clearance Christmas outfits we bought in Christmas of 05. Before we ever knew he was a boy. It struck me that all of this stuff would have been packed away by now anyway. None of it would have fit anymore. He never got to outgrow this stuff. A lot of it (well the bigger stuff) still had the tags hanging off of it. I have to undo this room that never got lived in. It all looks so much the same. Time stood still in this room. I turned on the swing to see if the batteries had held up for 16 months. I unpacked my diaper bag, 16+ months after I packed it. I forgot the stuff I shoved in there. The tiny pacifiers, the blankets, the hats...

I know preparing and redecorating that room is the healthy thing. I know packing this stuff away doesn't erase him, or his memory... I know this is just "stuff". I know the room will be really cute all done up for this one.But it was really cute before, too.

Happy Birthday, baby boy.

Sitting here, trying to figure out what I was going to write, I am at a loss. Do I talk about your death, your birth, or the way we have celebrated your life? Do I talk about the lows we have dealt with or the joys we have have experienced? It is all there, but it is all muddled in my mind and heart.

As I am writing this, one year ago today, we didn't even know you were gone yet. I struggle with not knowing when you died and I struggle with not knowing exactly why you died. I struggle with the decisions we had to make so quick, and the regrets I know we will always feel.

May 31st, 2006 is such a special, bittersweet day. Your daddy and I always say it was never the worst day of our lives. How could it be? We finally met you and got to touch your beautiful face. Like we said at your funeral "don't feel too sorry for us, we got to meet our son. It was worth it, to meet our son". I truly believe that. Even on the days where I am lower than low, the brief 9 months and 4 hours we spent together make up for those lows.

A year has passed. I remember in the first few weeks after we came home without you, I just wanted time to pass. And quickly. And here we are. one year, 52 weeks later. I have no concept of what you would be like now. Walking? Talking? I would be planning your first birthday party. However, you will forever remain my little baby. 6lbs, 10oz. And that hair. I was so suprised to see you had hair. It was so long in the back. I wish I could have seen your eyes... well, I wish a lot of things.

So, yes, this day is special. It was one year ago today. 5:31PM on 5/31 (I still think that is cool) that you were born. It will always be a huge day to us, every single year. But really, kiddo, everyday is a day we spend remembering you, loving you, and celebrating you.

Look over us, We need you now more than ever.

Love,Mom