In the car on the way home from a family birthday party Claudia...out of no where...said "Curtis died."

Yes, yes he did.

"I can't play with him because he died."

Yes, honey.

"But he is still my brother."

Cue the tears. I choked them back and said "You are right."

She then said, switching off of Curtis but still on death,  "Remember how Annie's parents died?" (Annie, from the musical. I let her watch it..it is a fave of mine, but is pretty intense. I didn't think she would follow the story like she did.)

That day we watched Annie I was trying to explain in 4 year old terms that Annie's parents died and she wanted a new mommy and daddy to love her. Of course I get the "Who is going to be my mommy and daddy when you die?" response. Craig was about to jump in and say "That won't happen." But I cut him off, one thing...life is unpredictable. I tried to tell her if something happened to mommy, daddy would take care of her and vice versa. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "No, I want a new  daddy like Annie!" Craig and I laughed, assuming she was expecting Daddy Warbucks to swoop in with his millions.

I doubt reality of what death is makes any sense to Claudia. It makes so little sense to me.

Wow. I didn't realize it has been close to 5 months since I had posted in here. That makes me sad. Because there are times I know I have really good thoughts or need an outlet. that means I don't post.

We had a nice holiday season, I often wonder what Curtis would be "into" for Christmas. Legos? Nerf? Video games? I get to shop int he "boy" section for toys because of Cole and I cannot help but glance at all the stuff. I have no idea what 90% of it is...I know if Curtis was here, I would be educated on each weird yamguchituchi thing! I wonder how he would react to all the holiday traditions I have started with the kids. What would he think was fun? Decorating cookies? Cutting down the tree with grandma and grandpa?
We have a tradition as a family to go buy toys for Toys For Tots. We have done it since Curtis died, but now that the kids are old enough we let them each pick out a toy to donate as well. They gravitated towards toys THEY would like so Craig and I pick out something appropriate for a 5 year old boy. It makes me smile to know a 5 year old out there got some cool trio blocks for Christmas this year.

With each passing of time, events....you always just wonder. What it SHOULD be like. There is never an answer, just speculation. It doesn't hurt as much to wonder like it used to, but it is very wistful and creates some hard moments.

I have a nephew who turned 7 last week. While I was pregnant with his cousin, we were so excited for these two boys to become friends. Playmates. Ryan only a little over a year when Curtis died but he has heard about him since he died and participated in the memorial events. I don't know what his parents told him...but a few weeks ago he went to his grandmother (Craig's mom) and said "You know what, Mimi? I miss Curtis."

This breaks my heart. He lost out on a life long cousin and friend when Curtis died.

But, at the same time, it warms my heart he knows him and talks about him....a little baby he never even knew.

There are moments where it is still really hard to accept. That was one of them. His loss hit everyone in our family. There is a teacher who missed out on teaching him, a little boy or girl who missed out on playing with him.... as time passes I am sure I will think about him in the terms of a teenager or man and everything and everyone who missed out on him as those ages. And everything HE missed out on.

It will never go away.