6 years.

Dear Curtis,

Happy 6th Birthday sweet baby boy. I wish I knew what you would look like today. I study Cole and Claudia sometime, trying to figure it out. Dimple? Cowlick? Glasses? Blond hair like Claudia? Brown hair like Cole?

Would you have been my crazy boy? Or cautious like your siblings?

I wish I knew. Who would you be today? You are just forever my tiny baby who I only held for such a short time, but those months we spent together and the 4 hours I got to hold you were some of the best moments of my life. You have taught me so much, I know I am a better parent because of you. Life does move forward, but you are a daily topic of conversation around here. Your siblings know you, they celebrate you. But you and I, we have this connection. Every moment you were alive, you were with me. You heard my heartbeat, I felt you move. I miss you. I miss you so much.

Each year I feel like I say the same thing. I miss you, I love you. Because of you I am a better person. I think it goes to show time and distance doesn't change a single thing. I am richer, by far, for having held you a moment for than to have never held you at all.

Love, love, love,
Mommy

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We had an amazing time celebrating Curtis' 6th birthday. Like every year, we took the kids to the Angel of Hope statue where Curtis has 3 memorial bricks in his name, laid flowers on his bricks and for some friends' babies. We ate cupcakes. Let a balloon go.  We then took the kids to Build a Bear and they got to pick out something to make in honor of their big brother. Claudia was so excited to make Hello Kitty and Cole made Kermit the frog! We then drove about 4+ hours to Wisconsin Dells and spent  3 days doing fun things such as water parks, a Circus shows, bouncy houses, a restaurant that delivers your food on a train..... Craig looked at me on Curtis' actual birthday while Claudia was jumping on a HUGE inflatable dinosaur and said "Sure different than 6 years ago." Very true. We had ice cream cake that night and took some pictures.

I look forward to his birthday because of the traditions we have put into place, but the build up each month is rough. I gain weight and get little sleep. Each time I tell myself May will be different and it isn't It seems to rattle me until we get to the point where we can celebrate and then...I relax.

Us 4 at the Angel Statue 

Angel holding flowers for Baby Abbey, Baby Aaron and Baby Ethan.... all babies who passed away around the time Curtis' did. I know all of their moms online and all have touched my heart. 

 Cupcake for Curtis

The flowers for Curtis

At the hotel with their Build a Bear Friends

On Curtis' bday, with an ice cream cake!