It is interesting the alientation I still feel when it comes to normal parent discussions. I get so frustrated when people talk about wanting one gender vs another gender. They keep talking about mourning what they are missing. About not getting to expeirence dolls and cute clothes or trucks and dirt.

Maybe I would feel the same way had Curtis lived and we had all boys after him. Maybe if life had handed me everything perfect, wrapped up in a pretty bow, I would long for dresses and capri pants.

I really thought, after Curtis died, I would have all girls. And I was okay with that. I really really was. Because when you have a baby who died? You are grateful for a baby, any baby, who makes it out screaming. I am not saying these parents aren't grateful for their children. But had there been a choice given to them before they were ever pregnant, they would choose the gender they wanted. Plain and simple.

Life doesn't work like that. We can't get everything we want. Someone once told me "the grass is greener where you water it." This is SO true. People are always looking at what others have, wanting that for themselves that they forget to look what at they have and enjoy it. Would I go back and change Curtis dying if I could? Yes. I would. I would want him to get the chance to let him live his life. I firmly believe Claudia and Cole's exsistance has nothing to do with his. I believe we would have all 3 with us, even if he had lived.

But he didn't live. He didn't. So, I could longingly look at families who have all of their children alive and live my life in such a state of "what ifs" that I couldn't function. But I choose not to. I choose to live each day, as much as I can, in the moment. I cuddle by boy as he drifts off to sleep. I sneak in his room to look at his sleeping face. I write on the driveway with chalk with my daughter. I dance around the living room with her and take her to swimming lessons. I remind myself each day how truly blessed I am to have them in my life. I ache for and miss Curtis but life did not work out the way I had planned. I cannot go back and change it. But I refuse to let that detail stop me from enjoying what I have.

I just want to scream when people "try for a boy" or are upset they will never get to go wedding dress shopping. So many people can't have children. So many people lose their children. A side story, one day I was shopping with Claudia when she was about 10 months old. This lady stopped me and said "You are soooo lucky to have a girl. All I have is boys." With her 3 boys standing next to her. I was dumbfounded. I said "Yes, I am blessed to have her. Are all your children alive?" She looked at me and said "Yes." Then, as I walked away I said "Then YOU are the lucky one."

I am not quick on my feet like that usually. Usually i think of the good reply days later. But I was proud of myself. I am not saying people shouldn't feel their emotions or whatever, because they should. But to sit and have these discussions and overthink this stuff just makes you long even harder for a different life. Life isn't fair. It sucks. But one quote I keep in mind:

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. ~Dale Carnegie

So much for my blogging 3 times a week thing, huh? But this time, it isn't my fault! I swear. Spring is a the really busy time at Craig's work. He gets home at about 6:30pm, helps me get the kids to sleep and is on the computer until 1 or 2 am. Crazy. Evening time has been my blog/computer time so obviously, I haven't had access to the computer.

On Wednesdays, I take Claudia to a toddler class. It is through our local school district and is really cute. There is a free play time, circle time, snack and a time the parents go off and have parent discussion time while the children play. Every other mom in there is a stay at home mom. I am the only one who works. They all adore the parent discussion time, a break from the kids, adults only...and I tolerate it. I love the class because it is my time with Claudia. (Cole is in the sibling care room). I am not saying I know everything about parenting, but having worked in the child development area I am not learning anything new as a lot of topics revolve around that. We were asked what topics we would like to discuss, given a sheet of paper and asked to rate them. I put "birth order" the lowest on the list. I don't believe in the whole birth order hype, and quite frankly, it is a sore subject for me.

Sure enough, our 6th class or so...birth order was brought up. All the other moms were excited to discuss this. Me? I am fighting tears.

The parent educator says "okay, I think all of our kids in class are first borns."

No, no they aren't.

Claudia may "act" like a first born (if you believe in that stuff). She may be treated like a first born in the fact she was our first living child...but she is NOT the first born. I gave birth one time before her.

I am fighting back tears. I am lowering my head. I hate this topic. I hate Claudia being refered to as a first born. It is the phrase that grates on my nerves. They are referring to HER...but to me? She isn't. I do not participate in the discussion. I do the thing we all perfected in high school. The look of participation. The polite interest, glazed over expression. But, my mind is a million miles away. To my true first born. What would HIS personality have been like? What 'first born' traits would have encompassed him?

I want the discussion to end. I want to get back into the other room, back to my daughter. Back to the reason I am taking this class. One to one time with her. Watching her explore new toys, watching her take interest in other children. I look at the clock. Sitll 10 minutes left.

Thankfully, the phone rings. It is the sibling care room...they think Cole needs a diaper change and can I come down? Everyone groans for me. Feels bad I have to leave this interesting coversation. But I practically skip out of the room, to my _third_ born. And, even though parent education time isn't over, I sneak back into the room where my second born is playing. She yells out MAMA and reaches towards me, pulling me around the room to show me her newest discovery.

This time of year is rough. We are all very much experiencing spring fever. It is warming up (40 degrees!). The spring and summer stuff hit the shelves at Target. I have bought C & C spring clothes. I set out Easter decorations, but when I look out the window?

Nasty snow. Not even the pretty snow from December, but the stuff that is half melted, covered in dirt, sand, and salt. It is very much a reminder that winter is still here. March and April we tend to get snow. We are still in it for the long haul.

Close to a year ago, I found out I was pregnant with Cole.
Close to three years ago, I found out I was pregnant with Claudia.
Over four years ago, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby boy.
Five years ago, my husband and I started trying for a baby.

I think you can see how crazy the last 5 years have been for us. This time of year always brings up memories for me. My pregnancy nearing the end with Curtis. The beginning of my pregnancies with Cole and Claudia.

I look around at my little home, my cute children, and the happy place I am at....and then I glance out the window and see what I still have to deal with. I almost chose the word "overcome" but I know I will never overcome Curtis' death. Nor, do I want to. I am in a good place in my life. I am starting to focus on my needs as well as giving everything I can to my family. I am learning to balance work, family, and me time. I am enjoying where I am at. I am enjoying being done with pregnancy forever and focusing on the day to day excitement two little ones bring.

But, looking out that window, of what is left, of what is still missing in my life hurts.

So, I have been working on "goals" for myself. The last 2 months...heck, the last 6 months have been really difficult in getting myself back to normal. The stress and anxiety of Coley's pregnancy was overwhelming. Then, he was a pretty fussy newborn and I was still dealing with anxiety...then I went back to work and was trying to adjust to that. Then, both kids have been constantly sick, including a week stay in the hospital for Cole.

Not to mention daily life headaches, car needing new breaks, possible gas leaks (that weren't), random doctor visits, stomach flu for me....

You know, LIFE!

So, in an effort to feel more together, I have started a short term goal list as well as a long term list. Some of it is to help focus on ME and things that I enjoy. One of them is to blog 3 times a week. I have lists and lists of topics and moments I want to blog about. Everyday I think "yes, must blog about that tonight" and do I? No.

So, I am. My other goals include exercise, eating better...long term goals include spending a bit more effort on getting nice haircuts and taking care of myself in that manner. I also have some goals of things I want to do for Curtis' birthday and in his memory. Also things like taking classes with Claudia and Cole (in the future). I signed up Claudia for swimming lessons and we are taking a toddler class together on Wednesdays.

Another thing I want to mention is this website I found. I have been reading about Gratitude Journals and how they can increase a person's mood and happiness. In a world full of so much negativity (heck, look at the start of this post!) it is nice to take a few minutes to write down blessings in life. From the nonsense, like my Wii Fit to the more serious, a wonderful mom who babysits my kids...it is a time to focus on GOOD. Here is a "how to" about gratitude journals:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2088881_keep-gratitude-journal.html

Well, quite frankly, I wasn't going to go to that extreme of some of the points listed. A friend pointed me to this online gratitude journal: http://www.gratitudelog.com

It is sort of like Facebook and Twitter in a way. I take a few moments each day and jot down something I am grateful for...I really am enjoying it.

So, that is where I am. I am going to be blogging 3 times a week. I am going to write about all the topics swirling in my head about Curtis and my family.

_________________

Here is a story I wanted to share. For Christmas, I asked for a necklace hand stamped with all three of my children's names on it. It has their 3 birthstones and I just adore it. Claudia has been looking at it a lot lately. I have been telling her "Curtis, Claudia, and Cole. My three babies." Lately, when she is looking at it and touching it she has been saying "Curtis, Claudia, and Cole." The way she says Curtis is soooo cute. I just love hearing his name come out of her mouth. I know she doesn't "know" what it means. She is only 2. But I just feel the more she hears his name and knows he is a part of our lives even though he isn't physically with us, the better. I never want it to be a surprise to her that she has an older brother and we truly feel his spirit in our lives.

(Of course, now she thinks any necklace or bracelet is called "Curtis, Claudia, and Cole. But that is besides the point! ;) )

From this....

To This....

To so much better!!

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers. Cole is back home after 7 days in the hospital. We are blessed to have been at a great hospital whose sole purpose is helping children get better. We were one of MANY families dealing with RSV on our floor!

It is so great to see our Cole smiling and happy again. When Claudia came home from daycare to see her baby brother home she squealed and laughed. She really didn't notice he was gone. She is still pretty much in the 'live in the moment' kind of thing. When I asked her where Cole was the one day I got to see her during this she told me he was at "work". But it was nice to see her so happy when she got to see him again. What is funny is one of the kids, Kay, at daycare missed him the most. Each morning after Claudia was brought in, Kay would look around and ask where "baby Cole" was. Today when I picked up Claudia, she pitched a little fit over not getting to see baby Cole. We had to assure her he would be there tomorrow.

I was grateful walking out of that hospital with our son. Like I mentioned in my last post, I struggled (and am struggling) with the knowledge that I missed my baby being in so much distress. Again. I was lucky this time. Lucky I was on the winning end this time.

I know I haven't been here in eons.

I have been...struggling. I miss Curtis. I love Claudia and Cole. I am trying to navigate my way through our days and nights. We have had a roller coaster 4 months with me having surgery, the holidays, me going back to work part time, and sick kids.

I have so much to share...but right now I am here to ask for thoughts, prayers, good vibes...whatever you can send.

Our dear Cole is currently in the hospital. He was admitted Tuesday night with a serious case of RSV. I took him to urgent care Tuesday night, honestly thinking we would get a nebulizer treatment and go home. Within 10 minutes, they had called an ambulance and we were on our way. It was such a flurry of activity I sat back and watched, paralyzed in fear. What just happened? He was just congested, right? We had no idea how bad he was...he is our little champ and had been in a good mood, acting fine...this whole time he was struggling to breathe and we didn't know it.

Just like Curtis. He was struggling to get oxygen and I didn't even know it.

We do believe Cole is on the mend. He is getting the best help and is in the best place for children who need to be hospitalized. But it has been a long road as his little body fights this. He is slow to recover from this, but he is getting there.

Thank you for anything you can send our way.

When I was in the hospital, I started thinking about a woman I met on a message board. We both lost our first children, boys, to stillbirth. We both had miscarriages. We both then had out daughters around the same time. We would email on occasion and I lost track of her. I sent her an email while in the hospital, just saying hi. Checking in. I didn't say anything about my pregnancy, just wanted to touch base with her at that point. She hadn't posted on our message board in forever, and hadn't posted on her blog in months.

I didn't hear back, no biggie. It had been well over 6 months since we last emailed. Maybe I had her email wrong.

Soon after coming home with Cole, I found her blog again one late night during a 3am feeding.

She had posted again. It had been months since she posted...and her news was not good. She was 20 weeks pregnant, with her second son.

And he died.

Right at the time I was giving birth to Cole, she was having to make decisions and choices and going through the loss of her second son.

She is living my worst nightmare. I haven't been able to get her off of my mind. She hasn't returned to her blog and given the vast internet and the fact I don't know her that well, I doubt we will ever talk again. But my heart aches. This is a stillbirth mom's worst fear. All those people who say it can't happen again. Wrong. Those doctors who say it is a fluke. Wrong. It can and does happen again. Her losses were at different gestations, one at 34 weeks, one at 20 weeks. But does it really matter?

She is done having kids. She has one living child when she wanted a houseful. She threw caution to the wind over and over to have her children and was hit in the face. Again. Having a living child inside of you and having it die inside of you. Again.

I am just...at a loss. It is easy for me to say, because I am sitting here with my living son when I know she is going through hell, again. But I do ache for her. I ache for her family and the nightmare she living. Once is more than enough. Why twice? I just will never understand.

Just a quick note to let you know our 2nd son was born screaming on 10/6/09. Almost a month early but he has been doing great with no NICU time.

Something of a dramatic delivery as his heartrate dropped and they moved fast. So fast Craig wasn't even back there yet (they were still preppingme for surgery so he was waiting) and missed the actual birth. That was a little sad but when the doctors say it needs to happen, so be it!

He looks identical to Claudia when she was a newborn. Who looked a lot like Curtis! He is already eating like a champ and as long as I am healing okay we should go home on Friday or Saturday.

Emotional, but amazing!!

I am checking in, briefly. Still in the hospital, still okay.

Anxiety is rough though. I honestly expected this pregnancy to be easier than Claudia's and it hasn't It is like the last 3 and a half years of the aftermath of losing Curtis, grieving, Claudia's pregnancy and this pregnancy are finally all coming to a head.

It is rough.

But I am hanging in, he is hanging in.

Trying to push the fears aside...and the fears just don't surround the baby this time, it surrounds me and my well being and, quite frankly, is very scary.

Hanging in, like I said.

Blogging. Live. From the hospital.

Yup. Soon after my last entry, I was sent to the hospital after monitoring showed something was up. I was monitored continuously for about 4 days, met with some high risk docs, and it was decided based on my history and my tendency towards pre eclampsia and my increasing numbers in that region that I should just stay put until the baby is born.

Am I upset? No.
Am I bored? Not yet.
Is the food okay? Eh...

:)

Seriously, I am in good spirits. It isn't ideal, I hate being away from Claudia but ever since we learned this baby has a cord issue and my panic attacks set in, I have been a pretty cruddy mom anyway. It is better for me to be here, anxiety in check thanks to a lot of monitoring, and knowing at any moment they could get this baby out if needed.

I do stare at pictures of Claudia a lot. When she came to visit on Sunday I got NERVOUS to see her. Mainly because I knew she wouldn't react well. She was confused, she wanted to run the halls... Yes, she gave me a hug and wanted "up" but was off and running again and got pretty crabby only 30 minutes into the visit. Oh well. It is okay.

I remember my niece visiting my sis in law who was on bed rest in the hospital reacting the same way. Luckily Claudia is very much still in the "love the one you are with" kind of stage. She has been spending time with grandparents on BOTH sides...who adore her as much as we do and have really stepped up to help us out.

The other hard part is being that I see a doctor 90+ minutes away from where we live, there is no one local to come visit me on a regular basis. Plus, when I got sent in on Friday night, I missed my parent's anniversary party on Saturday. The 40th anniversary party I planned and paid for and worked so hard on....luckily it still went off without a hitch and I think everyone had a great time. I am not pouting about it too much it is just my parent's have given me SO much, I wanted to be there to give them something back.

I am not on strict bed rest, I get monitored about 4 times a day but they want me up and walking. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time in the gift shop. And online shopping. Claudia's bday is in 2 months and I can start to plan that.

Right now, an amnio is scheduled for 10/9 and if this little dude's lungs are mature, out he will come. That is 2 weeks from today. Did I mention that nothing is prepared at home? As in... nothing. But, I am okay with it. I really am. The control freak in me really wants his room DONE. The bouncy seat back from my sis in law's house, the bottles cleaned...oh, the infant car seat? I have no idea where the newborn insert is and that means I am going to have to try to get Craig to find it.

But, all in due time. None of that is "important". Right now, we will just hope for the best and be thankful I am able to be here.

Just checking in really quick, whoa. This pregnancy is kicking my butt. So far, baby boy is hanging in okay, monitoring is going okay...we have had some ups and downs but HE seems to be doing well in this moment. It is very much on a day to day basis and can, and probably will, change at the drop of a hat.

Me? Not so much. I am being monitored pretty heavily for pre-eclampsia (I had it with Claudia, but after she was born which was scary enough.) I have had a general unwell feeling for weeks, anxiety attacks, racing heart, whatever. I was on a heart monitor for awhile.

It has been bad. I can't really take care of Claudia on my own. I pretty much just lay low each day, hoping it passes so we can get to mid October and hopefully have a screaming baby in our arms. It is really hard not to feel physically good because in both of my previous pregnancies (Curtis and Claudia) I have physically felt really well.

Weighing on my mind these last few weeks has been preschool. I have a lot of friends with 3 year olds who all started preschool in the last few weeks. Would Curtis have started preschool? Would he have been ready? A simple 2 or 3 day a week program? Would he be potty trained? What would it have been like to drop him off on his first days?

I see pictures. Grinning kids, too big smiles, backpacks the same size as them. What kind of backpack would he have picked? Would he cry when we dropped him off or would he have ran straight ahead without a glance back?

It is hard to picture him as a 3 year old. He is so much my tiny baby still, the tiny baby I was so afraid to hold and move. The tiny baby who I only saw his face.... my tiny baby who should at least have had the option of going to preschool this year.

I don't even know where to begin.

I don't even want to blog (obviously, since I haven't posted since August 21st...) but my anxiety and stress are at an all time high. I admit, I am not handling it well, at all. When we returned from meeting with the research doctor I knew we had a long road in front of us. My anxiety and stress has always been there. Through Claudia's pregnancy it was hard. I admit.

The beginning of this pregnancy was easier. It really was. Then we hit viability and I started getting more anxious again. A lot sleepless nights. Waking and pacing the house until I felt the baby move. Afraid to pull out the doppler in case....well, in case there was no heartbeat to be found.

After coming back home from our trip where we learned this guy had a cord issue, I had to go to the hospital one night. It wasn't so much for the baby, it was for me. My heart was racing, I was dizzy...my blood pressure was up. We went to a local hospital, close by, not one where my OB is. I actually knew the baby was fine, I just was worried about myself. What was going on? The monitored the heck out of the baby, gave us ultrasounds, and basically sent me home. I was pretty upset as I know they chalked it up to anxiety barely running any tests on me and figured it would calm me down to run tests on the baby. Yeah, not really. I did have a few tests run (after hours of being there) and they thoughts things were fine, but my OB didn't like the results of my thyroid levels and put me on a low dose of meds. An out of whack thyroid can cause light headed stuff/heart racing stuff.

I don't know what to think anymore. I have no idea what is "in my head" and what is real. I have had times where I feel my heart race increase again. I haven't felt like myself. I have a hard time being the only one in charge of Claudia because I am so afraid of having some type of panic set it. Saturday Craig was taking a nap and I got Claudia up from her nap and as she was eating a snack I started to feel very panicky. I paced around the house, breathing quickly through my mouth, trying to calm myself down. .

Actually, it was kind of funny because Claudia started to imitate my breathing from her chair.

It lasted on and off that evening. I don't even know if my heart was racing much, but I just had this overall unsettled feeling. During these times I am constantly jumping up and pacing.

During the times it isn't happening, I am wondering when it is going to happen again. I am quickly seeing why people become agoraphobic and refuse to leave their house. I am not keen on leaving the comfort of my house right now. Claudia is still attending daycare and when I pick her up at 4:30 each day, I stress until Craig comes home. Just in case it happens again. On Wednesdays we don't have daycare...she has been going to my mom's because I am afraid of being alone with her.

Do you know how bad that sucks? I am her mom and I am afraid to be alone with her. I cried today as her and Craig went to the mall playland without me. I was tired and napping and she needed to go run....but, I knew I couldn't handle being out. Not now.

Monitoring this guy has been stressful, we have had some ups and downs with it....that isn't helping my anxiety. Looking back, Claudia's monitoring each night was a dream! (Didn't feel like it at the time, but she was.) She was the perfect baby on the monitors and this guy has decided to give us all a lot more headaches. We have been close to being sent in to the hospital a few times now.

So.... that is where I am at. I keep telling myself I will take all the anxiety in the world to avoid the grief later. And, I am hoping this is just it..I am hoping it is anxiety manifesting itself into physical symptoms. It never happened in Claudia's pregnancy or any other area of my life. I have ALWAYS been an anxious person. Always. Always the worrier. But it has never set in where I am physically pacing the house, racing heart rate, trying to talk myself "down". So, I am hoping to goes away when this guy comes. Hopefully in a bit over 5 weeks.

Please, let that be it. Because if this continues after this baby is born...I don't know anymore. I will not take anti anxiety meds while pregnant, no way, no how. After I will would try them though if this continues.

I am seriously slacking here, but for a good reason. This pregnancy has become very all consuming.

We have discovered this little guy has a cord issue, which is keeping in line with the research that shows cord issues can and do repeat. (yes! There is research! No, cord accidents are not flukes.)

I know I haven't gotten to the point in 'our story' where I talk about working with the research doctor and nightly monitoring...but we are doing it again in this pregnancy and just started it recently, where we discovered this little guy's cord issue. I took the news hard, but determined.

It is hard. It is hard knowing the same issue that took Curtis' life is repeating, yet again, in this pregnancy. But at the same time I KNOW this time, I know how to monitor it, I have the tools to prevent it. Just like with Claudia. I know we prevented a disaster last time and it was all worth it.

It is still very exhausting to go through this again.

I am off of work now, I made it 9 weeks longer than I did with Claudia, but with the anxiety and many appointments each week, it is just better to have my work not count on me until after the baby comes and my thoughts are not constantly is-he-still-alive-inside-of-me.

So, that is where I am at. BUT...now that I am off of work, I really will have some time during the day to blog a bit, I would love to get Claudia's story finished up before this little guy comes. Because I am going to want to write his story too!

Our Story: Part 27

After hearing the h/b (left off after hearing the heartbeat around 12 weeks in my pregnancy after losing Curtis and my miscarriage).

So, Craig wanted to tell people. I did too, sorta. I mean...telling people meant questions. Telling people meant causing THEM worry. Telling people meant it being OUT THERE.

There was also the issue with the doctor. I never wanted to see my old OB, the one I had with Curtis, again. While I don't blame him for what happened to Curtis, I do blame him for the cruddy way he handled the loss, the way he handled my miscarriage, and the way he handled my new pregnancy. (Saying "We will do nothing different this time" did not sit well. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result?)

Thanks to the conference, I had learned there were a few doctors out there open to the emerging research about cord issues repeating. I was given the names of two. One, I was told, would be there. She wouldn't just pretend to believe me, she would be me. She was amazing. I was told to go to her, despite the fact it would be close to a 2 hour drive to see her each time. The other doctor, I was told, was just as good. But a little bit more unreachable. A little bit more clinical. She would work with us, but I got the feeling she was more humoring her patients. She was much closer in location.

I did not want to be humored. Craig wanted the doctor who was closer. Who cared if she humored us as long as we got answers? I didn't want someone to pat me on the head, roll her eyes, and order me the tests. I wanted someone who believe me. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to have to dig in my heels and insist.

I just wanted it to happen. Craig agreed to meet with the far away doctor, because it is what I wanted. I guess, in a way, he was humoring me. I emailed this doctor and we set up an appointment for 14 weeks. Just 2 weeks away.

In the mean time, my mom's birthday approached. She ended up being alone the weekend of her birthday due to some crazy circumstances that my dad had gotten himself roped into. Craig and I offered to take her out to dinner. My grandparents decided to come along, then asked if she could change the time of her birthday dinner so they could scoot off to another party.

My poor mom. First my dad has to leave on her birthday, then her birthday dinner time gets moved...she was feeling pretty bummed.

I informed Craig we should tell. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready. But I figured she would love the surprise and the first of getting to "know". I bought a birthday card for her that said "To Grandma". I signed it "Love, Curtis and Baby #2 due in December."

We arrived at my parent's house and were lingering around, waiting to leave for dinner.

"Open your cards!" I insisted. I thrust the grandma on in her hands.

My stomach was in knots. My heart was racing.

She opened it and stared.

And stared.

She was squinting at it.

She didn't have her glasses on. She was trying to figure out what it said.

'What is it I am reading?" She asked.

Sigh. Typical. Big huge news and she couldn't read it.

"Happy Birthday. Love, Curtis and Baby #2 Due in ...."

She let out a scream like I have NEVER heard before. It wasn't really an excited scream. It wasn't terrified. It was just a SCREAM. She dropped the card, buried her head in her hands and started to sob. Hysterical sobs.

I looked at Craig. He looked at me. "Hug her." He mouthed to me.

I shook my head no. I had no idea what this reaction was. Was it good? Was it bad? What was it?

After a few moments she flung her arms around us. "I thought that is what it said! But I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you signed the dog's name to it! I didn't want to assume."

I was overwhelmed at her excitement. I thought the news would be met with more reservations. Excitement, but cautious. Not this unbridled all out happiness.

We went to dinner and shared the news with my grandparents. Later that afternoon, while my dad was on his way home, my mom called him and made me tell him the news over the phone. He later told me it was hard to stay on the road when he had tears in his eyes.

We left my parent's house and Craig was practically bouncing out of his seat. "Can we go to my family now?"

I couldn't deny him this. We had told my family, there was a good reaction....but i felt that headache setting in. That overwhelming feeling. The "what have we done" emotions rolling in.

We live a good 50 minutes away from my inlaws. We usually just don't 'show up' out of the blue. However, they didn't seem phased that we were on their step at 8pm on a Sunday night. My mother in law starts telling us a crazy story that happened earlier in the day to her and my father in law. It was a pretty funny story but it kept going and going. She was totally oblivious we had news to share. The longer the story went, the more my throat felt like it was closing.

Craig finally had enough. When his mom stopped to take a breath, he jumped in and said "Well, do you want some more news?"

My father in law put down his glass of brandy, very serious, and said "Yes." quite loudly.

"The due date is in December."

The response was overwhelming. A lot of hugs, happy tears, and more hugs. Lots of questions. His mom saying 'Why did you let me talk for so long? Geesh! I just kept talking and talking!" We walked across the street to where my brother in law and sister in law live and told them the news.

Everyone was SO happy.

We left our inlaws and Craig called another one of his brothers and told them the news. Lots of celebrating on their end.

After he hung up the phone, I burst into tears. It was all so...so....soooo much. I wasn't expecting it all. I was expecting them to be excited, yes, but I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of emotion. I was expecting them to be cautious or worried (which I am sure they were...) but they were so happy. In that moment, they were happy.

As we drove on the car, I continued to cry. The headache came on full force. Now they were all involved. Now it meant this was real. We were traveling down this road together. Now if something sad happened again, it meant bringing them down with us. But they needed to know. They deserved to know. We needed the support. They had been wonderful in supporting and remembering Curtis with us. But it was hard. Just so hard. I didn't want them disappointed again.

Hi.

How are you?

It has been a long few weeks. Good things, scary things, More good though.

I need to jump into the here and now though. As always, I will return to the Our Story posts because I like getting all of this down, but I also want to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind, very heavily.

As I mentioned previously, I am pregnant. I am a little over 22 weeks and a few weeks ago we have our "big" 20 week ultrasound. By big, I mean we find out the gender. We find out how everything in the pregnancy is progressing. I have a Level II which is a 'high risk' one where they take and even more in depth look at the baby.

I had this appointment, June 18th, booked for over 2 months. That date lingered in my mind. I was sitting at my friend's wedding on April 18th thinking "two months from today...". Work documents, commercials, any talk about mid June my mind went to the ultrasound.

I haven't blogged about this yet, but at 20 weeks with Claudia was where things got very stressful. So that was always on my mind.

Enter June 18th. Craig and I both took the day off and headed to my ultrasound. We had a scare earlier in the week as well where I heard some fetal arrhythmia's on my home doppler. I was freaked out. I had talked to my doctor, they would make sure to do a fetal echo cardiogram on the ultrasound. They would figure it all out.

There we were. Me, on this table in a darkened room. A screen in front of me. The tech was all chatty. "Are you going to find out the gender?"

"Uh, yeah."

Gender? Great, yes, finding out the gender is fun. But what I wanted to tell her is "I want to find out if the baby is healthy."

Realistically, I know this ultrasound can't predict a healthy, living, full term pregnancy. I have multiple perfect ultrasounds with Curtis and we didn't take him home. But, in that moment I wanted to know everything is okay.

A few minutes into the ultrasound, she scans between the legs. Now, thanks to my years on baby message boards I have seen a lot of ultrasound pictures. Plus, I have had a boy and a girl ultrasounds. If given a clear shot, I can tell.

"That is a boy."

I was the one who said it, even before the tech got the words out. I saw it, and I do mean IT, clear as a day. No mistaking. Craig grinned and said "How did you even know what you were looking at?"

I don't care about gender. I honestly don't. But I was shocked. Hard core shocked. I was convinced the baby was going to be a girl. I had a feeling after we lost Curtis, not a bad feeling, but just a feeling I would only have girls. I did wonder, deep down, if this baby would be a boy. But I was fairly certain it was a girl. I didn't care. I had images of toddlers in matching Christmas dresses and teenage girls fighting over the bathroom.

The next hour the tech took all the measurements, telling me what looked good, what she was measuring. The doctor came in, started jabbering away, saying he looked 100% healthy and we had nothing to worry about. He also said some total jerky stuff like "Bad things don't happen twice." (um, why don't you talk to women who have had multiple stillbirths, then? Because there are women who have had this happen twice.) He also said it was "Better to have the girl first." Which just isn't factually true for us, we had the boy first.

But...I was in a good mood. The baby, in this moment, looked healthy. We found out the gender. We wanted to celebrate as a couple. So, I didn't say anything. Because this doctor I would never see again (he is not my doctor, he belongs to the high risk group). I just wanted the hell out of that room.

Craig and I carried on our tradition of going to pick out a few outfits. A boy. A boy. A boy. I hadn't allowed myself to even glance at the blue section of baby sections in years. 3 years to be exact. I had learned to avoid and head straight for the pink.

We told our families that night. They were very excited for us, my mom cried, my father in law jumped up and commented it was time we had a boy with the girl boom recently (Claudia and my niece who is 10 months) which led me to have mixed emotions. How would everyone had reacted if it was "another" girl? Would they have been AS excited?

I know I would have.

And then as we have told other people the last few weeks, I knew it would happen. The comments we would get.


"Now you have a girl AND a boy." Well, no. We have 2 boys and a girl.

"You are so lucky to get one of each!" Well, no. We have 2 of one and one of another.

"You will have the perfect little family!" No, we won't. Perfection is having all your children on Earth.

"So excited about the birth of your first son!" No, he is the second! Trust me. I gave birth to Curtis. I was there. I remember.

"When number two comes..." No, actually. Number 3.

"So great Claudia will have a brother." Now, I know she doesn't have a brother in a traditional sense, but once again...factually it is not true.

Craig heard something about his 'first' son as well.

And on and on and on.

I knew those comments would come. I cannot let them go. I am kind about them, I do not get on my high horse. But I will say "Nope, number 3!" Or "Well, we have a little boy who died, so he will be our second son and we are very thrilled he looks healthy."

But those little comments really bother me. I think anyone, anywhere with kids get gender comments. My cousin has 4 girls and I am sure she is ready to strangle the next person who does the "Hohoho, just you wait until the teenage years!" comments. Or my friend who is pregnant after having 2 boys who hears "I bet you are hoping for a girl this time!" I bet she wants to scream....she tried for a baby. Not a gender. Like she is going to ask for the kid to be put back in if it is not the 'correct' gender?

It is an odd sense of emotions to be expecting a boy after losing a boy. Like I say, for me it was a win/win situation. I WANTED a girl, because I wanted Claudia to have a sister, I wanted to see two little girls grow up together. Share that bond. Plus, I love our girl's name we had picked out. I WANTED a boy, to experience dirt and firetrucks (yeah, totally gender stereotyping here.) and getting to experience a son on Earth.

How could I *not* win in a situation like this?

One day, in the future...as we are out as a family of 4 (please, please please...) some other people will see us and think "One girl, one boy...perfect little family" but we will always know that isn't true. Our family chain is forever broken. There is a link. A link between us and Claudia that is forever missing. I just hope and pray people realize that things aren't always what they seem.